Has anyone gone from a completely miserable marriage to a happy one and how?

Question

My husband and I have gone so far off the deep end it is rediculous. We fight over every little damn petty thing. We both have a problem with having to be right. We will argue and argue friggen details that don't even matter in the big picture, but if we don't remember something right we will fight and fight. It's almost as though we are two people living side by side and sharing a child as opposed to a married couple. Has anyone had success turning a situation like this into a happy marraige? If so, how and what did you do (I'd like to do counceling, but my husband is not up for it)?

Well, we fight about everything, even things we agree on we find some little detail and it blows up into a huge battle like "you did not say that, you are lying" that was an quote from one of tonights. We fight so much that it's almost like a normal routine, we fight, then it goes to talking again, but kinda pissy. We've had so many "heart to hearts" that trying to sit down and have another would just be a joke. I tell him so often I want this to work, us to be happy, but we both end up screwing it up somehow. It seems like the only way to be happy is if I just agree with every word that comes out of his mouth, even then he questions me until I break cause he knows I'm lying and he hates a liar. I just wish there were some hope, some small glimmer of something. We have always fought, bad, but we at least used to have the passion to love one another at the same time, now it has just wore us out, it's almost like we aren't in love anymore. I want to love him again, but how?

Answer 1

My wife and I have been married for over 56 years, most of it happy, but not without times when one or the other wanted to quit.
It sounds to me like both of you have ego problems.
Remind yourself that when you married, you were creating a new entity. Just like two partners starting a business. So, realize when you do something that benefits him it also benefits you and the marriage.
It would certainly help to get marriage counseling. but, let him chose the counselor, not you. Otherwise he may think you just want someone to help you gang up on him.
Ask yourself "Is arguing about this worth our marriage and dreams?" and try to really listen and understand what he is saying, instead of thinking about a reply to make yourself the right one.
Good luck.
P.S. Meditation can make a world of difference in one's attitude. Unity Church has been a godsend to me in learning how to benefit from meditation. Maybe you have a local Unity Church near you.
If not, subscribe to Daily Word. You can do that by googling Daily Word, or Unity Church.
It is hard work to stop our ego from destroying one's marriage, but it is worth it.
Don't one day get to the point where you say "What was it all about? Why did I drive him away from me?

Answer 2

I have another question. Did one or both of you come out of a seriously bad relationship before this one? Does he have any baggage with his Mother and do you have any with your Dad?

For the first question, you may both have defense mechanisms and walls built up out of fear of being hurt, distrust. You may love him but hate him for not making you happy. He may feel the same. These are things that commonly happen with people who have been really hurt.

For the latter question, I have found that a lot of people with "compatible" baggage (example: his mother was horrible to him your dad was inattentive to you) fight like this because deep down inside they resent the opposite sex for all the hurts incurred from youth. Boys get a lot of thier ego from thier mother.

Also, are there any drugs involved or drinking. This can make even the most agreeable people a nightmare, especially if they use it to cope and are not just social drinkers.

Are you sleeping in the same bed? Do you have alone time with NO KID/S? Do you ever enjoy any recreational activities together? (baseball, hiking, motorcycles??? just examples) All work and no play make jack a jackass.

Just trying to dig a little deeper and see where all this is coming from.

Answer 3

We did, and the bad parts were all my fault.

I couldn't stop lying. For four years, I was a compulsive liar, and not a great mom or wife. We moved to another state to live with my husband's family, where we decided to get a divorce, but we had to wait a little longer because of finances.

Then I was sent to the hospital for internal bleeding from a stomach ulcer. After I started taking care of myself, I had more energy and was a better person and a MUCH better mom. My husband and I became friends again, and we decided to give it another go.

Then my husband found out that I had been on the outskirts of adultry (didn't actually DO anything, but talked a lot) with a guy I worked with. He said he didn't want me in his sight and kicked me out of the house. I went to my best friends' parents house (I'm friends with them, too), and they let me stay there for a few nights, talking to me, counseling me.

My husband called me there at about 4 am the second night, and we talked. He was obviously SERIOUSLY hurt, and I felt just horrible. When he asked what I thought he should do, I had to admit that if I knew anyone else who had gone through what he had, I'd tell them to leave, so I told him that I thought he should leave me. After a few hours of talking, he said that he would probably regret it, but he wanted me to come back home. We talked that entire day, and he saw that I had been hurt, too (I honestly had thought he'd been dating another girl for a few months), and we made up for real.

We've put up a lot of safeguards that a lot of women would not be comfortable with (I have very little access to the bank account, he has all my email passwords, etc.), but with those safeguards in place, I'm no longer tempted to lie (it was almost always about money). We've worked hard (and still have to work hard) to keep honest caring (not defensive) communication open, and our marriage is better now than it ever was before.

But I must emphasize the MAJOR importance of being willing to accept criticism, talking through problems, and keeping each other accountable. It's a LOT of work, but it's been worth it.

Answer 4

We have. OMG! Your story sounded JUST like us! That's scary.
What's scarier is that there are many other people out there just like us. The amazing thing is they have make it work, so why can't we? Ha ha ha
From one control freak to another (about always having to be right)......First....take a deep breath. When you aren't fighting and you have a moment to yourself try to analyze your last fight. Were you REALLY right, or was he? Try to figure out how and why it happened. Be careful not to OVER analyze it though! Then try the best you can to talk it over with him.
It's hard not to (stay calm) and I know that, but its a start. It only gets harder when you add a kid in the mix, but everything will be alright. The stress isn't worth it but it will always be there.
Good luck and God bless!

Answer 5

WOW....well my hubby and I don't get that far, but we do have spells. Usually one of stops and realizes how silly we are being. This need to be right is what is making you both crazy. There is no way you both can be right all the time...part of being grown and mature is accepting sometimes you are not right...and even harder is admiting it. Maybe if you start setting that example then your hubby will follow.
I think counceling would be great and for the sake of your child you have to...what example is this setting of how marriage works? Tell hubby that ask him just to try for the kids sake and hopefully that will change him around.
Good luck!

Answer 6

The "turn-arounds" happen, but not nearly enough.

As Ann Landers would say, "if he doesn't go to counseling, -then you go alone".

I'm divorced from a nut-so first wife, but I learned a lot from that bad experience. You can tell when conversations start to "go south", you can create phrases that speak on how you feel, vs what he/she did. You can initiate, "I'm sorry", and the spouse will pick up on that and (maybe) pattern his own conversation that way.

There's a lot you can do.. After all 2nd marriages are typically end worse than the 1st marriages.

PS.. Ann Landers / her daughter is not that great,... so take her with a grain of salt.

Answer 7

after a similar situation, sat my wife down and told her that if we were to carry on like that, there is no need, and better get divorced. Explained that neither of us is perfect, and we were different from each other (the way we want to conduct our lives ...etc), so we can't expect to agree on every thing; what is the point of arguing about every thing that is so stupid (little things), major things need discussing and that's it.
we were there for about an hour; we never had an argument since (four years ago)