My son is shy at preschool - should I take him out of it?

Question

He is so excited to go and talks about it all the time. When we are there, he demands I stay, or my husband. He hides most of the time. I tell him that we don't have to go back, but he wants to. I am worried that the teacher will ask him not to come back. Should I take him out of it or his effort to go is all that matters and being shy is something we have to work on?

Answer 1

You need to stick with it.

Ask his teacher how long he usually is upset after you do leave. My three-year-old acted like the world was crashing down around him when I dropped him off, and I found out later that he's fine before I even have time to get out of the parking lot.

The thing is, most kids "put on a show" for you, in a way. It can make it VERY stressful on the parents, but the kids probably don't even remember having been upset after an hour.

Almost all preschools and daycares have absolutely no problem with parents calling to check up on their kids. In every daycare my kids have been in (and this goes for preschools, too), they recognize that it can be harder for the parent than for the child, and they've been wonderful when I called after an hour to check up on how my kids were. After doing that, and finding out they are doing great and playing well, I can concentrate better on what I'm supposed to be doing.

You need to let him work through that, though. If he has a shy personality, that may not change before kindergarten, and you'll have to deal with this eventually anyway. The later you deal with it, the harder it will be for him.

The teacher will NOT "fire" your kid for being shy or being upset at being dropped off. If he/she does, you need to find another preschool. They realize that there are all kinds of kids, and shy kids aren't in less need of a good education than talkative outgoing ones (this coming from a woman who had SERIOUS worries about a child being asked to leave because of speech/potty delays).

I would guess he really loves his school (if he didn't, he wouldn't be excited to go and talk about it all the time at home). But, like 95% of young children, no matter how much they like it, telling Momma and Daddy bye and being left with a teacher is not easy.

If you're going back and forth, one minute saying he needs to go, then telling him he doesn't have to go back, saying you need to go, staying when he's upset.... all that stuff will just confuse him.
His little munchkin mind doesn't have the logic needed to think "I'm upset now, but I really like school and I'll be fine for the rest of the day, and Momma will come get me." Therefore, you as the parent need to enforce that logic.

Here are some things that worked for us:

Start talking about school and what will go on (in detail) as soon as he wakes up. There are even times we talk about it the night before. We tell our kids when they get up that they'll eat breakfast, get dressed, brush their teeth, comb their hair, get in the car and go to school (be as detailed as you like... it works for us to tell them what they'll have for breakfast and what they'll wear, etc., or let them pick it out). On the way to school, I talk to them about what they like to do on the playground, what their favorite centers are, what they talk about in circle time, and get the latest kiddo-gossip about the kids in their classes. When we pull up to the school, there may be some hesitation, but just keep reminding him of things he really likes about his school (playground, best friend, coloring, snacktime, music time, whatever). When you drop him off, don't linger (and that, I promise, will be one of the hardest things you'll have to do until he gets to be okay). If the teacher is occupied with another child, I'll go into the room and set them up doing what the other kids are doing, either pointing their attention to the early morning cartoons, sitting at the table coloring, taking them over to a favorite toybox, etc. If the teacher isn't busy, I pass them off, give a "kiss-a-hug", tell them I love them, and tell them when I'll pick them up. (A lot of times, I tell them what they'll have for dinner that night... it seems to help them realize that the day will be kind of bookended with being with us at home). If he "demands" that you stay, give him a minute, or an extra hug, and assure him that you have to go right now, but you'll be back to pick him up after school. Yeah, to start out with, he's NOT gonna like it. That's why you need to walk away, even if it bothers you. He'll be alright after a short time, and once he realizes what the "policy" is, he'll be a little better.

Some parents find that it helps them to figure out a way to be able to watch the kid for a few minutes without the child's knowledge. One mother with a son in my 3-year-old's class brings him every day during the time when they're outside playing. She drops him off on the playground, then sneaks inside and peeks out the blinds for a few minutes to make sure he's okay. He always is, after a few minutes.

Keeping them informed kind of helps them deal, because it's not like they're just being dropped off and abandoned.

Another little trick that has worked wonders with one of my boys: a "semi-closeness". You know the little rubber bracelets that are everywhere these days, that have things like SPIRIT or HOPE or are for Breast Cancer awareness or whatever? I have a pink breast cancer one, and my little one has a red spider-man one (Spider-man Gummies Vitamins have red (spider-man), green (hulk) and blue (captain america) ones free in the box). If he seems to be upset about my leaving, I remind him that I have my bracelet on, and he has his, and that means that even if he's at school and I'm at work, we're thinking about each other all day.

With the shyness issue as a whole, trying to force him to be outgoing won't work. But if you pull him away from situations where he might be a little uncomfortable because of the shyness, you're denying him the opportunity to grow comfortable in those situations on his own. Not to mention, if you're going back and forth on how you handle it, you're giving the impression that it's worse than it is, and he's picking up on that.

I hope all this has helped. I do feel like he's probably more okay with the preschool than you think he is. And it's harder on you than it is on him.

Answer 2

What would THAT accomplish? He obviously needs to adjust to groups of kids and the preschool should be the place to do that. Try and talk to the teacher about what other children he likes. Then hang around at pick-up time and ask the teacher to introduce you to that mother. Arrange for a "play-date" at a park or restaurant where you and the other parent can get to know each other. A 20-30 minute time together like that will give him confidence in a non-academic environment and either of you can leave whenever you feel it is time.
Try and wean him from clinging to parents. My daughter required two adults to peel her off of me every morning- I cried all the way to my work, but her screaming stopped before I left the preschool parking lot! I thought it would never end, but nowshe's a outgoing 13yr old so.. don't worry, your son will grow into a well adjusted adult anyway!

Answer 3

What your son is suffering is just sepearation anxiety. The teacher should understand that. Unless he is hurting other children or the teacher they will not ask him to leave.

As far as the shy thing and hiding it won't go away if you pull him out. You will just have the same problems again once he hits kindergarten. Let him adjust to preschool and the seperation anxiety on his own. The fact that he wants to still go means he wants to be there and it is not as threatening as you might think. If he is going to be more social with children his age he needs to be around children his own age.

Answer 4

as a mom who had the same problem, and a daycare provider, i say take him. first of all, he needs to know that you make the rules, not him. take him to school, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him you love him and will see him later. dont linger around. dont go back for another hug if he cries. make your good bye like pulling off a bandaid, quick and get it over with. He will get used to it. i promise. If your teacher is a good one, she will greet him and get him occupied. She should come over as you are saying goodbye and take him and lead him away, even if he is kicking and screaming, after you say good bye. then she should find something to occupy him. your son needs to be ready for kindergarten and preschool will help. i know it will be hard for you, but belive me, i speak from experience, its what is best. my son was also shy and quiet, he actually got an award in first grade for talking. that really helped. hes still shy, but he has a lot of friends and is a great kid.

Answer 5

This sounds like a classic case of Manipulation. Children will often do this to their parents especially before their parents want to leave them at preschool. I can almost guarantee you that the moment you or your husband has left he is fine and will go off and play.

There is a simple solution for this problem: Do not take any of his nonsense and leave him at the gate, say goodbye and leave straight away. The longer you linger the longer it will take for him to settle.

Answer 6

I think... THINK being the key word here, that it's something new to him. Whenever we all (Adults or not) encounter a new situation, we're afraid... Maybe he's just shy when you/your husband are there? Maybe ask the teacher how he is when you're not there... or sneak out when he's busy with a craft, snack, etc. If possible, help him meet a friend at that daycare, so that there's at least one familiar face that he knows. Once he sees how easy and fun it is to meet new people, maybe he'll catch on!

Good luck! =)

Answer 7

If your son wants to go to pre-school and enjoys being there, then let him stay. If he needs you to stay with him, then do so. Once he finds his place in the group, he will gradually lose his dependency on you.
This is not uncommon with only children, who love the idea of being with other children but aren't quite sure how they should react. It's something he needs to learn before he gets to regular school, so stick with the pre-school and give yourself the time to stay with him until he is ready to be a little more independent.

Answer 8

Well if I were you, I'd let him stay there a lone with the teacher sometimes..But before you leave, tell him that he'll be all right and there isn't anything to worry about. Or try to find a good friend for him!

Answer 9

The best thing to do is drop him off, tell him you will see him after school, have a nice day, I love you, and just walk out the door. He will eventually get over it. Do not give into him. He needs to learn independence. If you nip it in the bud now, the transition to kindergarten will go much smoother.

Answer 10

I think you should leave him in, if he is shy now image if u take him out and he will just become more shy. sooner or later he will come out of his shell, maybe you should get some one on one play dates so he can get to know one of the kids so he can maybe 1 of the kids and then get use to him and see that new ppl aren't so bad I hope this helps

Answer 11

If he enjoys it i think you should let him stay. Try encouraging him to play with other kids or introduce him to the other kids. Since he obviously feels more comfortable with u and ur husband u should probably start by playing a group game including your husbad (or you), other children, and your son. If he want to keep going back, he likes it, so keep trying!