I need serious help on coping with this!?

Question

Well, two days ago my mom gave my family the worst news we could ever hear. She informed us that she had a serious brain tumor called Pontine. We've done a lot of research on the web about it. I was wondering if anyone knows anyone with it or any important facts?! Its a rare tumors for adults, mostly in children below 16! And my second question is, how can i cope with it? I can't sleep, I cry all the time....the first day we found out we couldn't even look at her without crying, but today she's been cracking jokes saying shes dying and telling my dad not to get another girlfriend and stuff like that. It hurts when she makes comments like that, she knows it does. I usually just end up walking out of the room! The thing that scares me the most is that she won't be there to see my 9 year old brother grow up or see us 4 girls get married! We know this tumor is serious because it is in the center of the brain. Therefore it not being localized we dont think they can do surgrey! Help me!

Answer 1

Huge hugs my dear...

Last year, my wife announced she had a breast tumor. A week later, my mother in law told us that she had terminal cancer. My mother in law's parents died of cancer, too.

Let's just say that my daughters took one look at the family history, and freaked out. It was a long summer, and I about went nuts too.

Your doctor will give you lots of info on that cancer. Unfortunately, it won't help you cope much. You'll want it, but the answers never seem to help.

First of all, humor is a great thing. It is anger trying to find a way out. You're all gonna cry, and you might as well cry while laughing. People who laugh tend to live longer, and in fact, humor is great medicine. You need to let her make jokes, and you need to laugh with her.

Second, you need to tell your mom how you're feeling. It might cause a lot of tears, but it won't be a pent-up secret anymore. The last thing you need right now are secrets.

Third, there are all sorts of people who will support you. Friends can sometimes be great, but at your age, they won't know what to do. Family can be great too. However, you might want to talk to a religious leader (sometimes that works) or find a therapy group. In fact, I hope you do go to a therapy group.

Fourth, what you're going thru (and will go thru) is a process called "grief". Your life has just changed, and the life you had is now gone, never to return (I'm crying now too). That causes grief. Grief makes people have all sorts of "strange" thoughts and feelings, and they are all perfectly normal (though they feel stupid, or like you're going crazy). You need to understand grief as much as you understand cancer. Your mom is going thru grief too, as is everyone else in your life. It's important that you understand what they are feeling, and what you are feeling.

Sigh... email me if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm always here.

Answer 2

Well Let Me Start Off By Saying That I'm Very Sorry. I Think She Jokes Because She Doesn't KNow How To Act So She Tries To Lighten Up The Situation By Joking About It. Just Try To Talk To Her And Let Her Know That You Don't Like The Way She Jokes About It In Front Of You And That It's Already Hard Enough On You. Hope THis Helps. God Bless

Answer 3

Find someone you can talk to--a friend's parent, a teacher, etc. Dealing with something like this is difficult at any age, but you will get through this. There are often peer groups for such things--check with local churches, hospitals, etc.

Everyone handles things differently, including your mom. She is trying to cope when she makes jokes so please don't tell her it hurts you. Think of your mom first. Don't make this any more difficult for her. Be loving and supportive--she is suffering the most. She knows she will not be here for your weddings or to see your brother grow up and hundreds of other things that she envisioned for her life (some of which you may not even know about).

Answer 4

There are many, many alternative cancer therapies available.

Western medicine's downfalls doesn't have to mean the end... as long as your mother has the will to live, there are plenty of treatment alternatives that she can try... everything from herbal supplements to entire programs devised by naturopathic physicians.

They are, of course, not a guaranteed cure... but of course, nothing is. In any case, they can improve the patient's quality of life and chances of survival. And if there is nothing the doctors can do for her, it certainly isn't going to hurt anything.

At this stage, she may not feel like going on a wild goose chase across the country to find a "miracle cure" which may or may not exist... but there's no reason not to inform yourself of other options. And as long as she has hope... well, all I can say is that attitude can play a large part in the outcome of cancer. I'm not talking about hiding from the truth, I'm just saying that telling yourself, "I have a serious disease that I'm trying to overcome," is going to put a lot less stress on her already weakened immune system than saying "I'm going to die."

I'd love to point you in the right direction on this, but there is such a wealth of information that it would be impossible to link to everything I want to show you.

http://www.newstarget.com is a great springboard to get you in the state of mind to shift your way of thinking on this situation.

Googling "cancer alternatives" will bring up an endless amount of information as well.

As long as there is faith, there is always hope. Take care.

Answer 5

Please accept my heartfelt sorrow for all of you. She is greiving and dealing with something that is effecting all that she loves. If she could make it all okay she would do so in a heartbeat. Her pain is even worse because she is powerless. She can only send out painful humor in order to try to cope. First of all this is about her and not YOU or any of your family members.Believe me when I tell you that all of your concerns are with her each and every moment that she is awake. Even in her sleep she is reminded that what she had wished and hoped for may never reach fruition, Your concern is for a future she may never even know. The effect is and will have on all of you, as well as the loss of control and dignity never leave her mind.... your weddings and future events are not under her control. She is using sad humor to deal with what will probably not even happen in her life. The grief for all of you is unimaginable. The jokes and the one liners are the only way that she can cope with what is happening. Her name is mom and not God. Not only is her life and the quality of it about to change without her control but she knows she will be missing out on events that will define memories that are not probably going to ever happen for her. This is a very unhappy situation. Know that life will continue....she will always be there even if you can not see her. Make memories...because it will sustain you. Love and know she is now dealing with an end that will hopefully be a beginning for her family, There is not a right and a wrong...take it as it comes. You are all in my heart, thoughts and prayers.

Answer 6

Your mom will definitely want to know how you're feeling. Please do not keep your feelings bottled up inside, they are bound to explode and people's feelings may get hurt. If you think your having a hard time coping, think about what your mom is going through. Your mom seem to be very brave and courageous because of the way she is coping. How would you feel if everytime you saw her she kept herself isolated and became nonsociable and cried all the time (became depressed)? Then you have to think about what would you have done if it was you. Honey, your mom refuses to live her life like that. It's going to be hard. It will be good if you and your family could maybe talk with her and discuss all of your feelings, crying together is good.

Try praying.....pray for strength, guidance, patience, and whatever you need to get you through. But most importantly, be thankful!!!!Be thankful you are able to see her beautiful face everyday!!!!

Answer 7

Awww... Sweetie, I am so sorry. I wish there was an easy button here, but there really isn't. I know it can hurt when your mom makes jokes, but you have to think about it differently. She is most likely trying to ease the tension. She wants your family to be happy. She doesn't want you to remember her like this, but as the happy person she was before. Try to swallow your pain when you are around her, and do your best to enjoy your time together. Talk to your dad about finding a therapist that will see your family as a group, so you can all cope together and learn to accept this- so you can spend time with your mother absorbing her and making memories, instead of just crying.

I know it will be hard. I lost my dad when I was thirteen, and while it does eventually get easier, the pain never really goes away... I know when I got married, it was so weird having my step-dad give me away- knowing he didn't know my life, my heart... He wasn't my dad. No one ever could be. And when my sons were born, it was so hard. Sometimes my oldest asks about him, and it's hard to know what to say... It's ok to be selfish when it comes to greiving. You have to work through it whichever way you can best.... But try to avoid greiving in front of your mother. She isn't gone yet, so just love on her and ask her questions- learn as much as you can about her while she is here to pass her wisdom along, that way you will have more things to remember her by...

Again, I am sorry you have to go through this. You will make it through though, that's the important part. And I believe in an afterlife, where you will see your mother again- but without her fears and pain... Hang in there, honey. If you need someone to talk to, you can email me anytime!!! ♥ ♥

Answer 8

sorry for the bad news
# 1 what kind of tumor (pontine localize it to the pons but doesnt tell about its nature)
# 2 is she currently receving any kind of treatment?
# 3 is it in the (( Cerebello-Pontine Angle))? (a common tumor with available surgical/radiotherapy).
My cousin had a really serious brain tumor & life expectamcy was 6 months to 1 year but she lived 5 years (dies of complications of chemotherapy )
let me know if I can be of any help

Answer 9

I'm very sorry about your mother's diagnosis. If you google the name of the tumor, you might find information. As for your mom cracking jokes, she is probably going through one of the five stages of grief. People can grieve for themselves just as they do about other people. Perhaps she is tired of seeing everyone cry and is trying to cheer you up, but hasn't quite gotten the hang of it. It is going to take a lot of patience on everyone's part to get through this ordeal. As for dealing with it, realize that from now until her last day, you need to make the most of the time you have left. Do you want to remember her last days as being sad, or do you want to remember good times, doing things she has always wanted to do, going places she has always wanted to go, watching movies together. She could do a tape recording of her voice telling you about her life, or writing it down. It would be a treasure to share with your children and grandchildren. Of course, this will depend on how she feels. If she is too ill to do t his, don't pressure her..just enjoy spending time with her whenever you can, and try to make her life as normal as possible so she doesn't feel like she is a burden to you. Learn the art of massage and give her scalp or temple massages, she should enjoy that. Find ways to make both your life and hers be the most positive it can be for whatever time she has left. God bless all of you.

Answer 10

Your whole family would probably benefit by seeing a therapist, also known as a family counselor. It will be important to all of you that you manage your fear and grief, so you can support your mom because she's going to need you all to get through this.

Talk to your dad and mom about talking to a counselor. Tell her you're scared and you want to be less scared and strong for her.

Keep the faith. People do survive this kind of thing. Best wishes to you all.