I was intentionally trying to anger my bf and his response was to throw a light fixture at me and then choke me when I was taking his property for collateral for the money he owed me. I accept that I was wrong for trying to anger him and then for taking his stuff. I also realize that physical violence is never acceptable and that I didn't deserve it. So I decided that because we were both in the wrong and that he felt embarrassed about what he did that we could continue in the relationship but see each other less until both of us had space and time to figure things out. Recently when I talked to him after I said You shouldn't have choked me in a conversation his response was Well you shouldn't have touched my f'n guitar then he told me that he doesn't understand why I'm making such of a big deal about things because he didn't even leave a mark. Well I thought that if he realized what he had done and we both went to counseling that things would be ok. Why is it so hard to move on?
2006-10-14 15:14:19 · 29 answers · asked by sleep2dream65 2 in Health ➔ Mental Health
I think it can often be hard to leave someone that we are with, even if we know we should. That said, you should leave this situation. It will only get worse. I think we females sometimes hope things will change and if we are "there for them", etc., they will realize how much they need to change and then we can live happily ever after. It isn't going to happen. I waited around six years thinking it was going to change. Trust me when I say it doesn't and it only gets worse. You have to believe in yourself, accept the fact that you are going to not be in a relationship and that not being in a relationship is okay - even good & fun (you can spend more time with your girlfriends) - and be strong about it. I know it is hard, but don't fool yourself into thinking you are staying because you love him. True love isn't like the situation you described. You may love the idea of what things might have been, but they aren't that, so you need to let it go. Time will make things easier and you will be able to see the situation in better perspective. My advice is to not see him or talk to him at all for a long time (4 months? 6 months?) and then see what you think.
Another thing, it seems like neither one of you is bringing out the best qualities in the other. (I behaved badly with my ex as well and I was often really ashamed of the things I did). When two people are in a healthy relationship, they should bring out the best in each other. I am not saying that you would never fight, but the majority of your relationship should be good, healthy interactions that build each other up rather than drag each other down. Sometimes when we are with the wrong people, it is hard to be the best that we ourselves can be.
I don't mean to sound callous; I have been there and I do know how hard it is. You deserve the best that life can give you - don't accept any less. I wish you the best of luck.
2006-10-14 15:28:22 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
To answer your question, yes you should move on. Change is always hard and we are always more comfortable with what we know than with what we don't know. You've probably had some great time with you bf but it also sounds like there have been some nasty times as well. If this were a normal relationship I would tell you to consider the good and the bad and see which is the most important to you; however, this is not a normal relationship. He has become physically dangerous to you and that outweighs all the good time you may have had. You might be able to remain friends but you need to distance yourself from this guy as quickly as you can.
If not, let's take a look at what might/could happen. Chances are he will physically hurt you again and probably much worse. It may not be the next time or even the time after that but eventually you'll have to lie to your family, friends, maybe even the cops, when the damage is so bad you can't hide it. Also, would you want to have a child with someone with this tendency? I would hope not, because spousal abuse can translate into child abuse. Urge him to get some help and move on with your life - you deserve a safe place to be.
2006-10-14 22:22:39 · answer #2 · answered by virtual_cynic 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you were both wrong, but he had no remorse on his part, that is the start of an abusive person. Next, he will hit you again and say. it will never happen again, then it gets worse and he says, you made me do it. Then it gets even worse and he damn near kills you and he says, I only do this cause I love you, and you made me do it.
Get out of the relationship, NOW.
Eventually you will find someone that loves you and doesn't use physical abuse when you have an arguement. It is always hard to move on, because you do care for this person, but it sounds like he cares more for his guitar than for you.
A guitar can be a cold thing to snuggle up to on a cold night, and it isn't very comfortable to hold in your arms when you are sleeping.
2006-10-14 22:29:14 · answer #3 · answered by nevada nomad 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, move on. Both of you were wrong, and I think you'd both be better off without each other.
He's completely wrong for physically accosting you in a violent manner. A man would only need to do that to me once for it to be the last time. I'd never give someone who did that a second chance. If they do it once, they'll do it again.
But looking at your actions, you were no angel yourself, per your own admission that you were intentionally trying to anger your BF. (Thank you, btw, for your openness and honesty.) It sounds like there's not a lot of love or tenderness between the two of you (because otherwise why would you try to intentionally anger him?), so I think it's best for the both of you to just walk away from each other and move on.
I wish you well in finding a person with whom you can have a kind and loving relationship. Remember you need to be kind and loving to get that in return.
Good luck to you, girl!
2006-10-14 22:15:46 · answer #4 · answered by I ♥ AUG 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Because you are still both hurt and angry. It takes as long to get out of a problem as it did to get into it. Both can't give up during the repair period. You should stay together and stay away from negative people who will try to tear you 2 apart and not help the healing of your relationship. All the little details that you 2 act out like guitar, etc. are typical play-acting that all couples go through during hate periods. All things will heal if you 2 work at it. Give each other space, let each other be your individual selves, separate for a time being if necessary and set up new rules, try a-new and love one another. Watch out for pathological jealousy..you both have a tad of that. Try bio-feedback.
2006-10-14 22:31:57 · answer #5 · answered by fishermanswife 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is never easy to walk away from something you have invested yourself in. There is always the what if's and if only's. I think it is healthy for you to realise that the relationship as it stands is not right. Very often in our lives we find ourselves loving the wrong person. It takes a very strong person to acknowledge that the relationship is not healthy and to try to work on fixing it. If both parties can not work together to make the changes that are needed than it is definately time to move on. And if your partner does not want therapy to resolve the anger issue than it is still ok for your to find someone to talk to to resolve issues within yourself. How can you be apart of a Healthy WE if you arent a Healthy ME.
2006-10-14 22:25:35 · answer #6 · answered by mrsblu0z 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I got through about 20 words of your post.
Yes. Physical abuse is not acceptable for any reason.
On the otherhand, why are you intentionally trying to anger your bf? Why do so many people play these stupid head games with each other trying to get a rise? Don't you have things more neaningful to do than to *uck with each other's heads? There are starving children in *your* country that need help!
2006-10-14 22:19:31 · answer #7 · answered by Frankie P 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's probably hard because you've formed a relationship with him... thought he was a great guy... then he went totally off of the wall.
Physical abuse is NEVER right.... Good for you for realizing that!!
Maybe some time to yourself, a night out with the girls, or at a friend's/family's house would help?
Wish I could be more help... be safe girl!
2006-10-14 23:46:52 · answer #8 · answered by Meggypoo88 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
because you love him?
leaving someone you love is never easy. even if it's the best thing for you.
he is abusive. he is not remorseful. he has no empathy for what he put you through.
i am not excusing you pushing his buttons and trying to anger him, but that does not gove him reason to put his hands on you. there is never a reason or excuse to put ones hands on another human being in a violent manner. someone that was not abusive would have said to you "you are being unreasonable right now and i'm not doing this with you." and walked away until everyone was much calmer.
you sound a bit codependant. get help with that. you don't want to end up in a relationship like this, again.
2006-10-14 22:16:30 · answer #9 · answered by annie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hormones carry emotional attachments ,,more so in long term relationships..so this is why the healing will take longer,,,
You need a 3 month departure and house cleaning of him and all the reminders...
Just to let you know he has abusive gene traits which
you need to steer clear of ,,Is this what your future or kids should be? You have been emotionally scarred ..start grieving with that loss and accept to move on...best 2 you
2006-10-14 22:23:39 · answer #10 · answered by debbi67 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋