PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!! Ever since my boyfriend was shot he is different?

Question

I have been with this guy for a couple of months everything was perfect, it moved kinda fast and we moved into togther right away. One night 3 months ago some guys robbed our house and to make a long story short he got shot. I was by his side the whole time in the hospital and still am. Ever since the hospital he has been acting different. I had to move out bc we didnt think it was safe for me and my son to live there with the guys not caught. He doesnt want to move back in with me bc he thinks my son is too much for him right now, we dont talk everyday, he doesnt show me any affection, and i found out his friends told him they are mad at him for not calling them or hanging out with them anymore. Even though i never said he couldnt. He stills says he wants to be with me and still says he cares but i just dont know. I moved here from NY and ive been wanting to go back, all my friends are there but ever since i met him hes what is keeping me here. PLEASE HELP!!! What should i do?

Answer 1

Oh... I'm so sorry to hear that!
Give him some time he has to deal with him getting shot. And he might be scared that could happen anytime now when he leaves the house and he wants to protect you. Maybe you should suggest him to go to a counsellor. Try to talk to him about what happened but don't force him... I think giving him time is the best thing to do right now. Good luck to you guys!

Answer 2

Where was he shot at? That's kind of important...Was he shot in the head? If so, he may never be the same again.
If not, either way, he has still been through a tramatic experience that has probably changed him forever and you have to figure out if this is something that you can deal with. He might just be going through things right now because of the whole ordeal or he might be like this for the rest of his life. You just have to figure out how long you can deal with it.
But like I said, if he was shot in the head, there is a great chance he will never be the same again.

Answer 3

Getting shot is pretty traumatic, ( speaking from experience here) It sounds to me like your b/f is suffering from some guilt over the incident you described. He definitley needs some counseling. As for not moving back in with you, if he says helping take care of your son is too much then you either have to accept that or make a break and go back to New York.

Answer 4

This is pretty serious.

Getting shot is extremely traumatic, on every level. Even if the gunshot wound was not life-threatening, it still represents a loss of power and control over one's environment. Home is where we go to feel safe and nurtured - so, if someone could violate us in our own home, then where in the world IS there to feel safe?

I think this is especially difficult for a man, who wants to know that he can protect his loved ones at all times. If a man cannot protect his family, it can be very difficult for him to feel like he is "the man of the house".

Your man obviously cares for you and your son, and your safety, or he wouldn't have asked you to move out (presumably to a safer place). Why is it that HE did not move to that safer place with you?

The fact that he is also avoiding his friends tells me that he may be isolating himself as part of a "post-traumatic" stress type disorder. He may be having trouble coming to terms that he is not the all-powerful person he always believed himself to be, that he is just a man, and he is vulnerable just like everyone else.

I think he would benefit from speaking to a counselor to help him move past his fears.

So far as you and your son are concerned, your responsibility is to keep you and him as safe as possible. You don't say how far away from NY you moved, but, if you are close nough to just visit your friends, then stay put for now. Moving around too many times is not good for your son, either.

Talk to your bf and see if he will agree to speak with a counselor. If he agrees, go with him. The counselor will be better able to develop a treatment plan with your input. If he DOESN'T agree to go and speak with someone, and his behavior doesn't improve anytime soon, then I suggest that YOU might benefit from speaking to a counselor. Your self-esteem is too valuable to be jeopardized by constant feelings of insecurity.

Best of luck to you, your son, and your bf. You have done all the right things so far. Stay on track.

Answer 5

This had to be a very traumatic experience for him! yes, I am sure he has changed, you would too, I guess that is why he is not hanging out with the old gang, he is still afraid, may be it will be a good idea for him to move all together, and that way you can be together. Or he may not want you and your son, with him, because he feels that the two of you will not be safe around him, and he just does not know how to deal with it. He needs to go for counseling! See if you can convince him to go.

Answer 6

You need to talk to him. Although I understand your point of view and I probably would've wondered the same thing, but you have to realize that what he went through isn't easy. You were there for him to recover from his physical wound, now you need to be there for him until he emotionally gets over the whole thing. He's probably the one who needs affection and love right now. So give him all that. Maybe you can also seek professional help. If time passes by and he still hasn't changed, then I guess there's no use in wasting your time on someone who doesn't seem to care anymore.

Answer 7

Go back to NY.
Sounds like he is having a hard time trying to choose between his friends and you.
If he really wants to be with you
he wouldnt care what his friends say, he would be a man and find a safe place for you all to live and feel safe together
and he wouldnt say your son is too much for him or make excuses.
Your son is included in the package
and if he cant deal with that then hes not the one for you and your son.

Answer 8

Moving too fast is risky, but now he has to deal with the fact that someone was willing to take his life. Thats pretty traumatic. The way he is acting may not have anything to do with you or his friends. He might be a little depressed. Im no Dr. but if you wanna stay with him, give him some time and let him know that you are there for him. But if his attitude is too much for you, then it might be best for you to leave. There are things you might not yet know about him. Give it time sugar..you'll know what to do.

Answer 9

Having a near-death experience often changes people's perspective. He's probably re-evalutating everything in his life, based on what you're saying.

The best thing you can do for him is remind him of how you feel for him, and then inform him that you're giving him his space. Move back to where you came from, where your support system is, because he's in no shape to give you any right now. If he can get through this (and there's no guarantee he will), then he will find you. I can't imagine him leaving your relationship unresolved if he can find his way through this maze he's in right now.

It sucks, but so does being shot.

Answer 10

Tough question... why did you move there to be wih him after only a couple months? Girl, you have to do right by your son, and you have to do what's right for you. It sounds like he's suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome... but you can't help him with this. He needs professional help, and it will take time. Just tell him you have to do what's right for you. Go home where it's safe and you have a support network. Good luck! :o)