mother of my daughter who is 16 and hates me.. how do i know what the right thing is to do if i'm constantly feeling judged and condemned.. have i never been taught forgiveness have i installed the same things in my daughter.. i don't wnat to kill myself or anything that drastic i just want to find out who i am i want to move away to where there is work i have qualifications in horsecare.. i have never left the place i was raised and i want to see different things yet if i leave will i be selfish as my daughter doesn't want to come with me am i allowed to discover who i am without been judged?
2006-10-14 04:42:24 · 35 answers · asked by . 6 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
jusat go witht he flow of life. it will lead you to who u are!
2006-10-14 04:45:04 · answer #1 · answered by open_minded_grl 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are a daughter and a mother. That's a fact. You can't be a failure as a daughter, because that would mean that there is some perfect way to be a daughter and you ( and most of the rest of us ordinary women) have not made the grade. Sounds like your parent(s) had expectations of you and they were disappointed. That's their problem, not yours. You were little more than a child at 16 - for God's sake give yourself a break; you were probably a bit starved for affection and found it in a way that meant you ended up with a child when you were still a child yourself. Decide now that you've paid the price and let yourself off the hook and get on with your real business which is to find a way to communicate with your daughter. As a mother of four, I can tell you it's normal for your child to hate you sometimes. Allow her to be angry with you - it's her right; but don't let that stop you doing what's best for both of you. Make sure she gets some kind of training or educational qualification so she can be confident and independent - you owe her that. Let her know that you love her and want the best for her even if she's angry with you. Praise her when she does anything good and encourage her to have a dream for herself. Give her the love you never got and be patient - no matter what she says to you, you're her Mum and don't desert her, but don't always give in to her either. You've had it tough - good luck.
2006-10-14 05:17:56 · answer #2 · answered by Frankie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are still a young woman and you have given up so much to bring your daughter up. It was a great thing to have done and one day your daughter will realise what she owes to you. I don't think that it is at all unreasonable for you to start looking for possibilities to enjoy a more fulfilling existence. They may not present themselves at once, so it is probably not a matter of rushing off immediately. You have prepared your daughter for this. Why doesn't she want to come with you? That is an important issue. If she's still at school, you've got to stick around for another two years. And if not, is there anyone -- a relative, perhaps? -- who could keep an eye on her and make sure that she's all right? If you've always lived where you are, there must be people you could turn to. Has she got into the habit of having you just where she wants you all these years and is she manipulating you?
At worst you give it another couple of years until your daughter can stand on her own two feet. You are not failing in life. You have raised a daughter and you are capable of earning a living in a job you enjoy. Whoever put it into your head that you're a failure? If it's your daughter, then it's time she was put right about you!
2006-10-14 05:24:00 · answer #3 · answered by Doethineb 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry I don't think so. From the things that you mentioned about yourelf, you seemed to be capable with a lot of things. You see, life (hehe) is not always always about failures or bad things. Like what the old quote says, "there's always a silver lining in.... dark clouds"? lol! Anyways, there's so many things that has happened in your life; and you are so capable of things but not given the opportunities. I don't exactly know what to say but, you still have your choices. Thre's always a solution to every problem. There'll be sacrifices and you should also be careful with every decisions you make. Do'nt easily lose hope because you're still young and can do a lot in life whether you're already commited to something or not. Life doesn't end there. Keep going no matter how painful things are. I guess you shouldn't repeat the things that had happened to you in your past to your daughter. Start a new and better life. I know it's easy as it sounds, but nothing's impossible. Everything lies in your hands now; and in how you make your life. Well, hope this helps in a way. Good luck!
2006-10-14 04:58:41 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Claire, I don't kow if you're a Christian, but I can assure you that God's will is NOT for you to fail.
You may not have sought His advice when you were younger, and that may be coming back to haunt you now. BUT, you CAN change the direction of your life.
All you have to do is let Him have control over your life.
However, one thing you must see - your 16-year-old daughter does NOT determine your destiny either. If you leave, you will take her with you because to not do so would be leaving a child alone in the world with no guidance, no accountability, and no chance to see her mother change. She'll end up completing the circle that you started.
There's only one way to re-direct your life, & you have a responsibility to your child to head her in that same direction.
No doubt she'll fight you, no matter what. But you know better than she what is in her best interest.
As for "being judged," know that no man determines your destiny either. God judges us lovingly, & directs us in the paths that will best serve us. Man judges based on pride - no loving admonition there. Find comfort in the fact that no man can contribe or take anything away from God's salvation. God's opinion is the only one that counts.
2006-10-14 04:55:22 · answer #5 · answered by azar_and_bath 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not too late for you or your daughter. Enroll in some family counseling, and perhaps a support group for you. You nor your daughter are failures. She's 16, and it is a natural part of human adolescent development to become angry (and sometimes hateful) with your parents.
The trouble with consistent heavy criticism is that you carry it with you, and it echoes inside your own head, even when the critics are no longer around. Turning off that criticism takes some work, but it's achievable. If you pursue it, you can set up a good model for your daughter. It will be hard for your daughter if you move, but it is not a disaster.
Think it through. Get some advice. Then make a plan that is not based on impulse, but is based on reasonable expectations, conversations with people in your life, and a vision for who you want to be.
2006-10-14 04:45:55 · answer #6 · answered by NHBaritone 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You must have been also rebellious at 16 to have had your daughter, so she is behaving as a rebellious 16 year old just like you did. But you have brought her up on your own ,no mean feat. Can you leave your daughter with grandparents, if not you must wait untill she,s found her own place in life and then go your own way. Never mind what other people may say or think, you do what YOU want to do.
2006-10-18 02:04:34 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I also had a baby out of wedlock. That didn't make me a failure at life or as a mom. Just because your teenage daughter is rebelling does in no way mean she hates you! Show me a girl who didn't act like that some time or another in her teens! As for you moving to find work? You should go. It is for the good of you and your daughter. God forgives and he did not make you to be a failure, but to do beautiful things! Pray about it. If you move maybe that will be the place that you will be are supposed to be. I know you can find your way in Christ, I did! I really was ready to commit suicide! I will be praying for you and your daughter!
God Bless!
2006-10-14 05:00:08 · answer #8 · answered by SteelDove78 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sad to say there are consequences to the decisions that we make.
if your daughter is 16 that means she will be 18 in two more years and on her own.
Have you, for the past 16 years, fed and clothed your daughter?
Did you see to it that she received an opportunity for a decent education?
Did you do the best you could at giving her the things she wanted and needed as she was growing up?
You say you failed as a daughter, perhaps it was your parents that failed you.
There are positive things you have in your life look at those.
If you know in your heart that you have done the best you could with what you had to work with then you are judging yourself to harshly.
When your daughter is on her own, she is responsible for herself and then you can pursue a better life for yourself.
Perhaps over time your daughter will come around.
Good luck and God Bless.
2006-10-14 04:52:32 · answer #9 · answered by drg5609 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if you have the opportunity Go for it. first you must forgive yourself. I am sure you have been the best mother you could be. my mom died when I was 11 I have 3 children I brought up virtually alone they are all doing well now but I have had hell from my daughter since she was 19 I started traveling and seeing other parts of the world. it is a real eye opener. I did take the older children with me the first few trips but now travel alone. follow your dreams in the end she will accept you did right
2006-10-14 04:51:10 · answer #10 · answered by Sam's 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We all fail. Some of us more so than others. My advise is never give up. Giving up is easy, picking yourself up and trying again and again is hard, but necessary.
Only you can decide what choices to make and if they are good reap the benefits, and if bad, you will have to live with the consequences.
Have you tried therapy? I would suggest this for you and your daughter. It is normal for 16 year olds to hate their parents and they usually get over it. It is part of being a teenager, but never give up on your daughter.
A good therapist can work with the both of you and can help you become the parent you desiere to be and help you help your daughter.
2006-10-14 05:53:38 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋