Can someone cheer me up with some jokes please?

Answer 1

whats better than eating a mandarine?
eating amanda out ;o)

Answer 2

Failing exams isn't fun but every once in a while some students produce quality stuff in some of the wrong answers to their exams.

These answers are excerpts taken from the British Exam Council:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you are eight

• Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
• Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
• The government of England was a limited mockery.
• Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
• Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted 'hurrah.' Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
• The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
• Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.
• Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking

chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to

ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
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I didn't make the following lines up, they are actual things said and written by people who work for the church. So : NO offense meant!!!)

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

6. Miss Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

10. Irving and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

11. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

12. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

13. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

14. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

15. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

16. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin .

17. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

18. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

21. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge- now - Up Yours
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Hope these cheered you up a little bit.

Answer 3

1) duck walks into a pharmacy. says to the clerk. I'd like some chapstick. clerk says will that be cash or credit.
duck says, "put it on my bill." arf, arf.

2) had a dream about heaven. st. peter showed me all around.
the golden city, the river of life, the throne of God. everywhere I looked I saw these clocks. some were going around normal.
some were going real slow, some faster.

I asked st. Peter what are these clocks.
he said, " those are sin-0-meters. for every person down on earth, there is a sin-o-meter. if they're sinning a little, the clock goes slower, if sinning a lot, faster.

then I asked where is your sin-o-meter.

St. Peter said, kind of embarressly, "Oh, um, well, we keep it in the office for a fan."

Answer 4

I am not good at remembering jokes. So I can't send one. But I sure have felt like you feel now on several occasions. I go to www. jokes galore. All types of jokes to suit your sense of humour. go give a go. count how many you read before you roar laughing. Good luck and cheer up.

Answer 5

The house was very dark,so the midwife asked 3 year old katie to hold a torch over her mummy so she could see while he helped deliver the baby.
very diligently.Katie did as she was asked.
Mummy pushed and pushed,and after a little time connor was born.The midwife lifted him by his feet ,and spanked him on his bottom and connor began to cry.
The midwife thanked Katy for her help and asked the wide eyed youngster what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katie quickly responded,he should,nt have gone up there in the first place, Spank him again, i dont know if thats your sort of humour,but i hope it cheered you up a little.

Answer 6

A english man is driving down a country lane in Ireland
He sees 2 men on the roadside one is digging a hole and the other is filling it in.
Puzzled the englishman stops and says
"excuse me mate but why are you digging a hole nd your buddy filling it in ??"
The first irish man says
"we are usally a 3 man team but the chap that plants the tree has got the day off !!"

It made me giggle

Answer 7

Did you see the one about the baby born with no eyelids . When the boy was circumcised the doctor used the leftover skin to make eyelids ,
Now the kid is just a little c_ck-eyed !!!
hope you get a chuckle out of it .

Answer 8

~ a man arrives home from the pub late one night very drunk. his wife snaps 'explain the lipstick on your shirt!' 'easy' the man slurs. 'i used my shirt to clean my willy'

~my husband being unhappy with my mood swings bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to moniter my mood. we've discovered that when im in a good mood it turns green and when im in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forhead

~a priest was seated next to paddy on a flight. drink orders were being taken and paddy ordered a rum and coke. the flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. he replied in disgust 'i'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips' paddy then handed his drink back 2 the attendant and said 'me 2, i didnt know we had a choice!'

Answer 9

Tony Blair

Answer 10

What have George Michael and a pair of wellington boots got in common?

They both get sucked off in a muddy field

Answer 11

Why to all the football fields in IOWA have artificial turf

A. So the cheerleaders dont graze

Go Gophers