What would you do, if your 16 yr old got pregnant?

Question

My baby is going to have a baby... I am devestasted. I am mad, upset, hurt, angry, scared, numb, and feel like the world that I knew is gone. I know that she is should be the focus right now, but I am having a hard time dealing with my own feelings. How could she go and do this? Why??? Why me??? Why her??? Can I kill the jerk that is going to be the baby's father??? Should I send him to jail. I tried to keep them a part, I should of tried harder to get him sent to jail when he would not stop seeing her, but she keep seeing him too. So it wasn't all him, but he is an adult and she just turned 16. I just need to get this off my chest. I don't know that there is going to be any real meaning to this or logic. What are we going to do? Am I ready to raise another child, know that she is not. I screwed mine up so badly, I don't want to screw someone else up too. Maybe it would be best if we gave it up for adoption. But she doen't want to do that. I don't know that I could do that.

Answer 1

Give yourself some time to deal with this. All the "what ifs" in the world aren't going to change anything.

I know you are in shock, and you're wondering what you could have done to stop this, but the truth is, what's done is done. And you probably couldn't have done a thing about it anyway. She made the decision to have sex with him, and she made that decision without you. If you had sent him to jail, it would have just made her hate you, and if you do it now, with her pregnant, you can guarantee it will.

I know it's impossible to see right now, but when you look at your grandchild, all this is going to go away. All the doubts, fears, anger, etc. is going to be swept away with love, and you're going to know that even if this baby didn't come into this world in the ideal way, that it is meant to be here, and you're job is going to be to help your baby to nurture and love her baby. This doesn't seem like it right now, but it's going to be a blessing.

Just help your daughter, love her, support her, and be there for her, whether she chooses adoption or parenting. Just don't push her into anything. Let it be HER decision, and she will lean on you more, trust you more, and listen to you more while you're helping her to learn to be a loving parent.

It WILL be ok. It doesn't seem like it now, but it will. And this baby will fill your life with so much love, you'll wonder how you ever got along without him/her!

Hugs,

Amy N.

Answer 2

First: if he's over 18 then technically it's statutory rape whether your daughter thinks it was "consensual" or not. And honestly, you may not have a choice whether to report him or not ... in my state, if the doctor thinks the it's a case of statutory rape, incest or rape then he/she is obligated by law to report it to law enforcement.

Second: you should know that it takes 9 months to "hatch" the baby and you will have time to adjust to the idea. Yes, right now you are feeling violated and hurt, but that will pass. I would suggest counseling for both you and your daughter -- together and individually.

Third: right now she is probably "in love" with the idea of having a baby, it's romantic and all that rot. But the idea of a baby and the reality of a baby are two very different things. Expose your daughter to as many babys as you can -- babysitting jobs, a job at a daycare, volunteering at a women's shelter, etc. This will start to show her the reality of dealing with a small human that can't walk, talk or take care of itself.

Fourth: have her start shopping for the baby furniture, the baby clothes, the diapers, the formula, the car seat, the stroller, the daycare costs and everything a baby will need. Have her work up a budget on how SHE is going to afford the reality of a baby. If she wants to be the mother, she has to be the mother 100% ... not grandma being the mother and paying for everything.

Fifth: as part of the counseling, the budgeting and such, have her attend parenting classes (the counselor should know about something in your area). If she truly wants to be the mother, she needs to know about mothering ... the late night feedings, teething, etc.

Sixth: buy a doll baby about the size of a real baby. Buy a bag of marbles or BBs or fishing weights. Split the seam on the doll baby, and add weight to the toy until it weighs about 8 or 9 pounds. Have your daughter carry the doll baby around night and day for several weeks. Have her set her alarm clock for every two hours (or set yours), and make her get up to carry around the 9 pound doll baby for an hour -- reset the alarm and repeat it every 2 hours. The idea is that reality is much different than the romantic ideal of having a baby, and you need to give her a crash-course in "Parenting 101".

Seventh: have her talk with an adoption counselor. Some adoptions now are "open adoptions". The child doesn't live with the biological parents, but the biological parents are allowed to be a part of the child's life through visitation, pictures, etc. That way the birth mother (and father, if possible) aren't shut out of the child's life, but they also are not responsible for the realities of parenthood.

Eighth: remember this isn't the end of the world. Yes, your baby is only 16 and she's going to have a baby. It's happens. My mother was 17 and unmarried when she had me. She chose to keep me and did it on her own without a lot of help from my grandparents. I'm now in my 30s with children of my own, and my daughter is 15 going on 16. No, I don't want to see my daughter in this situation but I'd still love her despite her "mistake".

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

You are in shock right now. You won't be able to make any decisions right now. Your daughter has made her decision it sounds like, she wants to keep the baby.

Your next decision is what role do you want to play in all this. I am sure the mother in you wants to help her in every way possible, but this is also a time for her to realize what an adult she became with this situation.

Helping her through the next several months, and having her make adult decisions about health care, managing her pregnancy should all be decisions that she works on making. Maybe you should also have her reach out to a group that works with pregnant teenagers. They might help the both of you.

Your life is going to be different, but at the same time your life is still intact. Your daughter's life is the one now forever changed, even if you talk her into adoption. She won't forget that child, so she will carry that with her always.

Deep breath mom... this is where you pull out that strength that kept you going at 4am for the feedings when you daughter was an infant and you thought you would never get through it. You got through that, all 16 years of it no matter want she put you through, so you can do this as well. She screwed up, and she will need you now to be her support system. This is the part of motherhood you never heard of- the ugly end of it.

As for father to be... if he can go to jail for statutory rape, then do it. He fought you for your daughter when sex was the mission, so now he can fight for that right with the law. Maybe he should of minded you the first time you told him to "cool" it with your daughter. Make sure you go after support as well. Don't let this guy make a mess for your daughter and just walk away. GET HIM MOM!!! Now is your chance to pay him back for all the emotional mess he has been running you through.

Remember, you have some time to make all the decisions you need to. This baby does not sound like it's coming tomorrow, and making snap decisions will only bring more grief. Stay strong... and good luck!

Answer 4

Probably best not to kill the jerk, because if she doesn't give the baby up for adoption, you'll need to make sure that he's on the hook for child support. If your daughter thinks she's ready to be a mother, she needs to go to some parenting classes, not just prenatal stuff but classes where she can learn what it's going to take to raise a child. She needs to talk to other young women who are trying to raise children they had as teenagers. You cannot approach this with the assumption that you will raise the child. She has chosen to engage in adult behavior with an adult and she will need to be making some adult decisions. Your job is to keep her healthy and help her to get the education she needs to face what comes next. She needs to understand how the decision to raise her baby will affect her future, her educational options, her career options, everything. She also needs to understand that adoption may be the most loving thing she can do for her child, so she should not just dismiss that alternative. She is going to be a parent and she is now making decisions not just for herself but for a new human being she has helped create. You need to love your daughter and support her, but do not let her continue to act like a child. I pray that this will work out for you and that in the end, your daughter will do right by this baby. You have every right to feel angry and disappointed, because your hopes and dreams for your daughter have just been shattered, but with love something good can come out of even the worst situation. Good luck to all of you.

Answer 5

Just take a deep breath and don't make a hasty decision. I would tell her about how you are feeling about all of it. Then she will know how you feel and you can get it out. I would be furious, my daughter is 16 and I know she has had sex. I found the PG test box under her mattress, and that was just the first I found. She is lucky, that's all I can say. She doesn't date anymore and she and her boyfriend had been an item for a year and a half. And thank God he broke up with her when she started refusing to have sex with him. And I suggested that to her, and she took my advice just to see how much he loved her, well she found out and it was all very sad and took her a few months to get over, but she has had a taste of worrying all the time if she if PG. If she comes to me one day, and still underage. I would make the decision for her. It's my job as a parent to do what is best for my child. And the abortion part, well that will have to be you and God's decision, but as you know this will change her life forever in every way. Just let the storm calm down some and then make a rational decision.

Answer 6

Even the most well-intentioned 16 year old couldn't possibly be ready to face all the responsibilities that come along with being a GOOD parent. The best option for her would to have an open adoption. This would mean that she would still get to have contact with the baby and family and such. Of course, if she does not like that idea, there is no talking her out of having her child. I do know, however, an older friend that gave a child up to an open adoption family whe she was two years away from completing college. Several years later, she still sees her daughter weekly(or bi-weekly), and now has a child with her husband. She feels confident that she did what was best for her child, although it is never an easy decision. It calls upon mothers to do what is right by their children and not be selfish. To give them a better life.
My mother had my older sister when she was 16. She had me at 21. She never "grew up". She married the first man that could get her out of her father's house. My dad has a personality disorder and treated my mom and my sister and me like crap the whole time I was growing up. Now my mother is 41, and for the past several years I have had to help her with so many problems it is damn near overwhelming. I am married and have a child of my own with my wonderful husband. And now she wants to leave my father, finally, and I find myself being stuck in the middle of all the crap. Having to help her learn how to stand up for herself, communicate effectively, etc. Things like this that were going on when I was growing up affected me severely. It is not a good feeling knowing that you are more mature than your parents. I had drug and alchohol problems and suffered from depression.
If your daughter could think about all the possibilities and outcomes of her decision, I think she could make a more educated choice. Try and remind her of all the things that come along with having a baby. Such as sacrificing your sleep, personal time, and hobbies. For the first couple months she may not even get any sleep! It would not be fair of her to expect family to watch the baby so she can do whatever she wants. Continuing school would be difficult. The child may love her more in the long run for choosing a family with the time and room and money and love to care for her better than she could herself. I don't think there is any right answer to a situation such as yours. I know it is painful. But you need to take over as Parent in your household and help your daughter figure out what to do. I am praying for you all.

Answer 7

All you can do is be there for her. If she chooses to keep the child, she has to realize the party stops. No more hanging out on the weekends or going to the movies. She has to know that you are there to help her find her way to become a good mother but not take the responsibility off of her. She made her bed and she has to sleep in it. I do believe it is your job to help her finish school not because it's your fault she is who she is but because you are the only chance her and that child have. You did not screw up in raising your child, she made her own choices. As for the man, all I can say is get his social security number. No matter what, that is his responsibility. And you never know, he may become a good father and add to the possibility of this child having the life it deserves.

Get out the tears because you have a right to them. I know it hurts but the joy that child will bring you will encompass all pain you feel now. And always let your daughter know that it's never too late to make you proud of who she grew up to be.

Answer 8

From the way you talk I really doubt that she is mature enough to raise a child.I wouldn't raise that child for her.If she wants to keep it, then make her take the responsibility.You obviously love her and kicking her out will be hard, but sooner or later she'll have to take the responsibility for what she's done.Give her a choice, keep the baby and move out or put it up for adoption and continue being a 16/17(most likely age she'll be when baby is born).And locking him up, won't keep her away form him forever, but I'd DO IT FOR SURE Hopefully if you have him locked up, then it'll be a while before she sees him again and she'll find someone else.

Answer 9

I would have all the feelings you do. Perhaps I will be facing something like this in just a few short years. I can only say what I like to think I would do. I would give her all the support I could. I would try not to condemn her since that is not going to do any good. I would try not to kill the guy since that is not going to do any good. The one thing I would insist on is no abortion. I would try to get her the resources and help her make the decision on whether she wished to keep the child or put it up for adoption. But, again I am hoping, the final decsion on that would be up to her.

Answer 10

Wow, I cant even imagine. But DO NOT get mad at her you don't want to lose her. If it were me I would give her the following options...

1.) Go to night school & get her diploma, tell her she will also need to work part time & pay you when you or whomever to watch the baby.

2.) Give the baby what she can't a great life with 2 parents that can give her baby everything. Ask her to talk with a adoption counsler (no preassure / just talk) she may discover that she feels that is what is best for the baby, a secure home, finances love stable parental enviroment.

*** Also, I don't know what I would do w/ this guy. But if you do not press charges & revoke his parental rights he will be able to contest adoption or be apart of your daughters life & grandbabys for ever, which from the sounds of it will not be a good thing.
Good Luck!