My beautiful 24 year-old daughter had an emotional break-up with her boyfriend of 3 years in July. Since that time she has spent most nights with friends hanging out at bars. She is losing her job in two weeks when the business closes and has no other job lined up. She will not be able to pay her rent and other bills, but she seems to be almost frantic about going out every night to drink and party with these friends. I am worried about how she will get by. Can anyone help me understand what I need to do or say to get her to accept some responsibility for her choice of activities? By the age of 24 she should have grown out of the bar and party scene. She has no plans or goals for the future. She dropped out of college so she has no higher education. Please help me understand what to do.
Please give serious answers only.
2006-10-13 14:13:24 · 13 answers · asked by physandchemteach 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Tuff love, and stand your ground. but be ready to catch her when she does fall. sometimes they have to learn the hard way. as sad as that sounds, but l will also include this...
I said a prayer for you today
And know God must have heard-
I felt the answer in my heart
Although He spoke no word!
I didn't ask for wealth or fame
(I knew you wouldn't mind)-
I asked Him to send you treasures
Of a far more lasting kind!
I asked that He'd be near you
At the start of each new day
To grant you health and blessings
And my friendship to share your way!
I asked for happiness for you
In all things great and small-
But it was for His loving care
I prayed the most of all!
By: Kenny P. aka-Cobra
2006-10-13 14:24:03 · answer #1 · answered by Cobra 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She's trying to "drown her sorrows" due to the break-up and thinking that going out is the solution which is not. Chances are she'll get into trouble if she continues these activities. We parents worry a lot about our kids but there are times when we seem so helpless especially when they are already of age and have a mind of their own.
You could try to have a serious talk with her about the situation. Invite her to your home often or make frequent visits to her apartment. Try to get her interest on other things that will occupy her mind. Most of all, be her friend by being supportive and understanding. It really will not help if you get angry with her coz that will only alienate her more. Pray and pray hard. God works miracles and what man cannot do, God is fully capable of doing.
2006-10-13 14:23:43 · answer #2 · answered by Ai 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My brother is almost 26 and doing the bar thing every night too. He started when his girlfriend died about 5 years ago and still hasnt stopped. Its his way of getting rid of the pain. That may be one reason your daughter has taken up drinking. It makes her problems go away for a while. You have to be supportive and encouraging, but let her know you dont like her drinking and being irresponsible. Remind her that with no job, she cant afford to buy food, clothes, pay bills, etc. Eventually she has to come back to the real world and deal with the things she's trying to avoid. I hope evrything works out for her.
2006-10-13 14:31:21 · answer #3 · answered by missie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh, what a hard question. Every answer I came up with was basically useless. "Talk to her, ask her about her budget, ask her friends yada yada".. none of them seemed to solve the problem.
So, (1) I assume she's a smart girl and this is abnormal behavior for her. In which case, can you get her away for some time? This is not great advice, but I just thought if you could get her away on vacation somewhere where she couldn't ignore what was happening anymore and away from her friends, she might have to think about what was happening in her life. Someplace without cell phone reception. Do you have, or know anyone with a cottage? Maybe you could volunteer to help them close it up for the season. (I know, probably not what you were looking for, but it's a really hard question.)
Also, if she saw part of her sense of self as being part of a couple, she may need reminding what a wonderful person she is by herself. Maybe a hug and a reminder of how proud you are of her would help. (Again, lame, but looking back on my life, those were the moments that seemed to help me turn it around when I lost faith in myself - that unconditional love from my mom)
2006-10-13 14:26:41 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to understand that people who are in/just out of college tend to go to bars to cope with their problems. If you don't like the idea of a place to go and drink and get trashed, then tell the bartenders stories about your life that nobody cares about, you need to do some reading on coping mechanisms of youths. She's losing her job -- big deal. Give her $400 and tell her to go to a bartending school, that way she can work AT a bar, killing two birds with one stone. If you knew how many people break up with college lovers (yes, lover, deal with it) after a few years...
Give her space to do whatever she wants. It's her life, let her fck it up however she wants. Tell me you didn't do ANYTHING wrong with your life, that you have no regrets, and I'll call you Jesus Christ. She can always take classes at the local community college, but if you pay her way through that I'll disown you, son. If she's dropping out of school and doing her own thing, she sure as hell better be paying her own bills.
The one thing I'm thankful of that my parents did for me, was they let me drink as much as I wanted in high school and college, they let me go wherever I wanted, they let me do WHATEVER I wanted when I was there -- as long as I could pay the bills at the end of the month and still maintain a "healthy" professional and social lifestyle. I went to college and got a degree for communications, which means you have no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life. I'm working for a huge firm in NYC right now. If you don't like your daughter's choice of action, tell her about it, but don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to -- let her drink until she's got to get a new liver, if that's what she wants. Give her space to be an adult -- it's probably why she isn't acting like a grownup anyways, is because you never gave that to her when she was in HS and college.
Accept the fact that your daughter isn't you, and learn to love her for what she is and what she does.
Her next boyfriend's going to have to, anyways.
FROM MARTIN:
"Usually excessive drinking at that age is a sign of alcoholism, and the recent breakup is triggering a phase of heavy drinking. People who are addicted will turn to their addiction in times of crisis. If she had a food problem, she would be eating, since she has an alcohol problem, she's drinking. The fact that she is doing it with the consequences of losing her apartment is a classic sign of addiction. Doing something and ignoring the consequences is the hallmark of addiction. She needs AA. "
Open your eyes. Just because you frequent a bar doesn't mean you're an alcoholic. That's just about the most closed-minded statement I've ever heard... excepting for what the Republican party dishes out.
2006-10-13 14:21:57 · answer #5 · answered by Andrew Jesse Brown 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Usually excessive drinking at that age is a sign of alcoholism, and the recent breakup is triggering a phase of heavy drinking. People who are addicted will turn to their addiction in times of crisis. If she had a food problem, she would be eating, since she has an alcohol problem, she's drinking. The fact that she is doing it with the consequences of losing her apartment is a classic sign of addiction. Doing something and ignoring the consequences is the hallmark of addiction. She needs AA.
2006-10-13 14:17:48 · answer #6 · answered by martin h 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think all you can do is emotionally support her while she is going through this. She has to be the one to realize that it is not the end of the world and she will get over it. Maybe if she watched the news and heard the stories about the wife that lost her husband in the war it will make her relationship ending seem less important. If she still loves him than she should be thankful that he is alive and they have a chance to live their own lives.
2006-10-13 14:21:10 · answer #7 · answered by ginajimmy22 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well you need to give your daughter tough Love soryy to tell you as much as it will hurt your granddaughter is not your responsibility you have made 2 mistakes 1- let her move in with you without charging her the correct rent 2- baby sitting without charging you could have taken the money an open an account for your grandaughter you have 2 choices kick out or charge her more rent /and for babysitter put that money away for your Grand daughter but do not tell your daughter about it
2016-05-22 00:05:13 · answer #8 · answered by Greta 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't do anything. Anything you say she's not hearing you. Sometimes we have to just wait until people want to change, it's hard as a parent to sit back and watch your children make mistakes, but until she want to change, it's nothing you can do or say. Just be there to listen when the bottom drop, but try not to bail her out if at all possible, because if you do she'll never grow up and accept responsibility because she'll expect you to always pick up her pieces.
2006-10-13 14:29:16 · answer #9 · answered by mouse in chicago 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Take her out to a quiet place and tell her that you're concerned about her. Ask her if she would like to go to a movie or hang out sometime with you (your treat) some evening instead of hanging out with her friends. Let her know that you're there for her, but at the same time can't/won't be able to financially support her completely. If she asks for money, and you're not comfortable doing that, buy her groceries occassionally.
I know its hard watching a child make mistakes, but she needs to be willing to help herself out, with encouragement from you.
2006-10-13 14:20:20 · answer #10 · answered by mycrazyalligator 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋