My beautiful 24 year-old daughter had an emotional break-up with her boyfriend of 3 years in July. Since that time she has spent most nights with friends hanging out at bars. She is losing her job in two weeks when the business closes and has no other job lined up. She will not be able to pay her rent and other bills, but she seems to be almost frantic about going out every night to drink and party with these friends. I am worried about how she will get by. Can anyone help me understand what I need to do or say to get her to accept some responsibility for her choice of activities? By the age of 24 she should have grown out of the bar and party scene. She has no plans or goals for the future. She dropped out of college so she has no higher education. Please help me understand what to do.
2006-10-13 14:11:23 · 20 answers · asked by physandchemteach 7 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
stand back and watch, there isnt much you can say or do, she is old enough and daft enough to make her own mistakes, if it was a bad break up she is probably letting off some steam, she was with him for 3 years meaning that they got together when she was only 21, she is just doing a bit of catching up, all you can do is be there if she needs your help, dont preach because she really wont want to hear it right now, i have been there and it takes a while. life has a very funny way of working out when you least expect it.as for bills etc rightly or wrongly thats probably the last thing on her mind right now, again she may get into trouble but would you really be doing her any favours by bailing her out when she is in this frame of mind.she has to make her own mistakes, we all make them and most of us learn from them.
2006-10-13 14:19:36 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
When kids jump into serious relationship right away they leave the party scene behind (she was 21 when she started the relationship) she missed out on a lot and with the added stress of losing her job and not knowing what to do next she is going to want to party. Take her aside and ask her how she feels about her current situation. Don't remind her of something she already knows. Just listen to what she has to say and if you can help her get out and do other more healthy activities that she would love to do. If she likes theater take her to a play. Helping people invite her to volunteer at an old folks home. Even though she may not work right away you will be helping her relieve some of the stress by having someone to talk to (not nagging her), and getting her to be more proactive. She will eventually get out of her rut and want to go into bigger and better things.
Just google stuff like free concerts, theatre, art shows, you don't have to pay for a lot of stuff to show your daughter the richness of life. And if you get her out doing what she loves it may entice her to go back to school to pursue a career in that field.
Good Luck!
2006-10-13 14:30:13 · answer #2 · answered by Rita 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What can you do?
You can't hold her hand or nag her about her life choices.
You can ask her questions and see what response you get. You can tell her how disappointed you are and hope she does have some good choices lined up. Can provide some locations that are hiring and offer to help setting up resume. But she is grown now to do the rest.
She is a big girl. She knows what she is doing. She just needs a wake up call. When she gets in a hole, do not bail her out. Let her bail herself out of her own mess. Guide her, but don't do the work for her as she needs to learn what she does now will affect her a year from now and 10 years from now.
If she looses her apartment. Then it looks like she will learn a tough lesson and shouldn't expect to move back in with you. Which seems the direction this will be going. What will she learn about that?
If she has no jobs lined up KNOWING she is loosing her's and rather spend her time partying, then pretty much she is not mature enough.
It is one thing to help her out when she needs it. but right now, what she needs is to fall on her own to wake her up. Welcoming her to adult hood on being responsible for her own actions.
You won't be on this earth one day. What will she do then? Reason why I say you can support her by giving her choices. But not do the work and bail her out as she won't learn a thing from it.
2006-10-13 14:26:12 · answer #3 · answered by Mutchkin 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems like she took the breakup pretty hard. That's why she's back in the party scene to show the world that the breakup means nothing to her. to show the world that Hey look at me! I'm doing great!!! Have you tried sitting down and having a heart to heart talk with her? Not the I know what your going through stuff but more of the hey wake up and welcome to the real world!! but before you do this you have to assess the "attitude" of your daughter. Maybe the party scene is her way of reaching out to you that she needs your help. Has she ever talked about the breakup with you? If not let her open up. It could help a lot that you're there by her side to comfort her and not to judge her.
2006-10-13 22:37:38 · answer #4 · answered by willda_ph 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First mom, you have to let her fall. You just be there to help her up when shes down. but you must let her fall.. She will see soon she may have to move in with you and i know we dont want that but she is your child.. Now i understand how your daughter feels it happends to use all the lose of a good job and a serious relationship its hard but she'll get thought it.. The drinking and partying well thats another case.. 24 isnt to old to go out and party now if she is acting like she is 21 and is goin home sloppy drunk then theres a problem and you should sit down with her and have a long talk...
2006-10-13 14:31:59 · answer #5 · answered by unicorncatering 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I've been the kid in a tough spot, and now I'm a mom with an 18-yr-old.
All I can tell you is that it's her life - she has to figure it out. Be there to listen, try not to talk too much. You'll only get frustrated if/when she doesn't heed your advice. Something's up with her - but she may need the jolt of the hard reality that is about to slap her in the face.
If you're in a position to let her move home when the inevitable happens and you don't mind letting her...then do. But lay down some ground rules just like the Unemployment Commission does. She has to look for a job - and if within a reasonable amount of time she can't find one in the field she wants, she can wait tables or clean houses - but she has to have a job. Make her help with the bills a little bit - but be reasonable. If she can't get it together and do this little bit that you ask...cut her loose. She'll figure it out and get it together, but if you're too quick to rescue, or if you make it too easy she'll take advantage. Let her depend on those great partying friends for a place to crash if she can't live within the guidelines that you set. Remember that she's 24 and make the guidelines appropriate to that - don't set a 12 o'clock curfew or anything if she can come home late without disturbing you - but she still has to get up and either look for work or go to a job. Don't comment too much about her personal life unless it in some way affects yours - like waking you up by being noisy if she comes in late, or making a mess of your house.
OR...be supportive emotionally but don't even offer to help financially. Just say, "Wow, what are you going to do?" when she tells you of her troubles. Talk to her like you would a friend in a similar situation - be nice, don't judge...offer suggestions...but don't try to fix it for her. The biggest favor you can do her is to help her figure out how to deal with things but not do them for her.
2006-10-13 14:23:11 · answer #6 · answered by shannonfstewart 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sadly, she is 24, and she's an adult. There's not much you can say or do at this point that she's going to want to hear. Obviously she's going through a lot of emotional changes right now. Have you sat her down frankly and put it to her bluntly, do you realize you don't have a job? Do you realize you have bills to pay? It really sounds like she's depressed and turning to friends and alcohol as treatment. Ask her why her time with her friends is always spent in bars, can't they go for a hike, go canoeing, go to the movies, volunteer? She needs an appropriate balance between WORK/FAMILY/FRIENDS. See if you can help her budget her time better. If sitting down with her and discussing her future isn't working, then you need to stage some kind of intervention. If Mom's worrying isn't enough, then she needs to seek professional help. :( She's lucky she has a mom who loves her as much as you do. :)
2006-10-13 14:17:08 · answer #7 · answered by Tessa ♥ 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I had a really bad break up at about the same time in my life. Looking back I realize that I was depressed and I couldn't see it at the time. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me but now it's obvious. She could be depressed but like the other answer, she is 24 and an adult. I'm not sure what you can do.
2006-10-13 14:21:35 · answer #8 · answered by porkchop 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just be there by her side, that's all you can do at this point....if you scold her she will turn away from you and hide what she is really doing.....you want to be as understanding and open minded as possible at this point. She will probably have to hit rock bottom to learn from the mistakes she is making right now....but to try and help her I would suggest looking for jobs for her, NOT paying her way completely for her mistakes (rent , grocery, etc..)...possibly a move out of state....a change of atmosphere may be what she needs to regroup
Good Luck
2006-10-13 14:20:11 · answer #9 · answered by questions 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Break ups are hard to deal with. Going out with her friends may be her way of escaping the pain from the break-up. Let her know you love her and care about her well being. Be as supportive as you can, but let her know that that is emotional support, not financial. Maybe read the classified and tell her about the employment ads that you think she might be interested in. Let her know that her heart will heal and someday she will find someone who will be the love of her life
2006-10-13 14:16:06 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋