Unrequited love. Am I doing the right thing?

Question

After telling my best friend I'm in love with him and getting (politely) turned down, we are still the closest of friends.

At first I was just glad that he wasn't completely freaked out and horrified. The fact that he wanted to remain close friends was more than I could ever have hoped for. It was a huge gamble, after all.

The problem is, as we continue to spend most of our time together, I'm finding it increasingly painful to cope with the fact that he doesn't return my feelings. I value his friendship so highly- but, the fact is, I am in love with him and it's hurting me a great deal to be around him and have the rejection reinforced on a daily basis.

So I have been trying to ration my time with him. But the problem is that hurts too. So, should I just continue to be a good friend to him and learn to cope with the pain?

Please understand that I've never had a boyfriend and have never opened up to anyone in the way I did with this guy. I'd never make myself that vulnerable. I have major issues with my appearance and never thought I could even fall in love. Being rejected has only confirmed to me all my fears of being ugly and undesirable. I'm worried this was my one chance of happiness and it's gone. What should I do?

Answer 1

Aw, sweetheart...you don't just have one chance at happiness even if right now it feels like that. The fact you are still infatuated with this guy means you aren't emotionally available for other guys.

At least he was nice about it--many aren't. And it doesn't matter if you look like a movie star or Jabba-the-Hut, we all get our hearts broken. You will love again if you open yourself up to the possibility. Also, don't be so hard on yourself--you can't help who you are attracted to, you can only manage your reaction to that attraction. Congratulate yourself for having the guts to tell the guy--read the other posts here, most people don't have the guts to tell the person they are attracted to. You will grow from taking that leap of courage, have faith.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I hate to say this, but confidence is very attractive. Sometimes people who aren't even that good-looking in the classic sense are completely sexy because of how they just are, if you know what I mean. It's all about confidence, which you can't teach to someone. Whether or not you feel like you're attractive, if this guy has told you he isn't interested in you in anything other than a friendly way, then you have to just take that and deal with it, though it may be hard to do. Sorry. It just is what it is. You can't (unfortunately) make someone feel differently, and hanging onto the hope of his changing will only further erode your self-esteem. You can still be "friends" with him, but you'll probably need to distance yourself and really work at cultivating other fulfilling friendships. Of course, that will take time and effort, but it will surely pay off in the long run and in turn, probably give you more confidence, which, just may, in the end, be the thing that hooks your guy. Best of luck to you!

Answer 4

Don't be so hard on yourself...your probably not undesireable and you seem like a very nice person with nice feelings. Don't break the friendship off because he really sounds like a good friend and you should cherish the friendship. Try to cope with the pain by participating in activities with other people. That way you meet new people and you get time off from your friend. You don't have to sit around and mope. Time will help you heal, if you are willing to move on. Good luck...and try to keep in mind that true beauty radiates from within. Your happiness doesn't depend on your looks.

Answer 5

If it hurts to be near him then learn to stay away from him. You can still be friends even if you don't spend time together as often as you did. In time the hurt will disappear. Just accept the fact that he's not the guy for you. It will hurt you more when the time comes that he will find a girlfriend. Put some distance..

Answer 6

If you feel you can't separate your romantic feelings for him from your friendly ones, it would probably be best not to see him frequently anymore. But, if he is such a great friend, and he didn't freak out on you when you told him, it shows him to be a superior person, which would be hard to replace. Quality people are hard to find sometimes. Living with the pain of rejection is not easy though, so if you feel you can't get past those, it is probably best to not be so frequently around him.
Try and not be so hard on yourself. As another poster said, looks aren't everything. I have known quite a few people who weren't so great in the looks department but couldn't fight the suitors off of them with a stick. It is all in your attitude.
Best wishes

Answer 7

Continue to value your friendship with him, the fact he didn't flip out shows what a great friend he is.

Also spend some time away from him doing other things to, you're more likely to get approached by the guys when you're not already out with one. Eventually you will find another that feels the same about you as you do him.

Answer 8

Stop thinking that he is your one and only shot at happiness. You expressed your feelings to him in an honest and open fashion and you got your answer. Having said that, I can understand how it would be difficult to maintain the friendship since he couldn't reciprocate his feelings. I hate to say it but I think you are just subjecting yourself to unnecessary psychic pain by spending time with him. Your best bet is to wean yourself off of him, and stop being so hard on yourself. You will find the right person one day.

Answer 9

You know, I understand how you feel, i've been in that situation myself about the fact that you're not "Desirable" to other people.. and you know.. it's ok, be patient, there are so many guys out there that would want a girl like you.. don't go after love.. love will come to you.. maybe not now, but it will come, just be patient and don't worry about your looks.. a guy will come around and see right through you and see.. who you really are.. what you truly feel.. and believe me.. when that happens.. in the end... it's worth it...

Answer 10

Honey, hang in there and spend as much time with him as you can. In a good relationship, you have to be best friends, right? They have to know you and love you anyway ! And even if it never happens, well then you have some great memories.