My mother is 95 would you put her in a home?

Question

She has dementia and is getting to be mostly incontinent but is against going into a home and wants to come to live with me and my husband.

Answer 1

Others have addressed the emotional issues - but please - before you go to social services, explore ALL of the 'stay in your own home' options. If you are in the UK (England) , you can find out if there is a Home Improvement Agency near her who could come in to help her out. You need to look at www.foundations.uk.com for people who are experts and are in her area.

Then, go and check out the info available at the Age Concern England website - most specifically http://www.ageconcern.org.uk/AgeConcern/17E2B9AF730F4850B9B92D9387191CC3.asp

Or the Help the Aged website - most specifically - http://www.helptheaged.org.uk/en-gb/AdviceSupport/

and if you DO start looking for GOOD quality accommodation, check out the Elderly Accommodation Council - http://www.housingcare.org/

If you want help and support with living with your mother's dementia, the Alzheimer's Society can help you. http://www.alzinfo.org

I hope that you really do find a good solution that is best for your mum and best for you and your husband. Such a hard time in all of your lives.

Answer 2

I think there is a lot you have to weight up. Can you phyiscally look after her ie lift her, turn her, get her in and out of the bath? What effect would if have on your home life - are there still children at home or your husband? If your mother is 95 then I'm guessing you are no spring chicken yourself - what would happen to het if you fell ill yourself?

It was a very hard decision for my mum to have her dad looked after in a home when he began quite seriously confused with dementia and even though he didn't like it, we all believe it was te best in the end. They had doctors on call 24/7, the staff were lovely with him making sure he was fed and shaved and clothed decently - they'd even give him little hugs and even as an old man I know he liked getting hugs from pretty nurses - some of them even came ot his funeral. It was hard going to visit him but only because he was normally so generous and liked to give visitors a drink and a snack and he couldn't do that there.

No-one likes to think they are growing old but you also have to live your own life. Don't listen to these people who equate looking after an infant with a looking after someone with dementia the two are completely different. You must help your mum to live the rest of her life as comfortably and with as much dignity as she can and if that means getting her cared for by professionals in a home then that is what you should do.

Answer 3

If she has dementia then it is only going to get worse and you cannot be expected to care for her 24/7 as she will need. You will put your own health, and your marriage, at risk. What does your husband think about it? The best place for her would be somewhere there are people who can care for her 24/7 and as long as you visit her regularly and frequently, making sure she is being looked after, then this is the best option. My own Mum lived in a home where they really cared for her (I couldn't) and she was quite happy until she died 3 years ago. Hope it works out for you all.

Answer 4

If you and your husband talk this one through together and listen to each others points. However should you decide that her living with you on a full time basis is not an option ( and it would be 24/7 care of her and pretty invasive too) then take time to find a home she will like either way its going to be hard on you, good luck in your decisions

Answer 5

Dementia is a difficult thing to deal with at any age, let alone 95. Grandad tried to take care of Granny, but after about 6 months, he could no longer care for her. Take into consideration her rate of deterioration; you might be able to care for her for awhile, without it being too much of a burden, but if she is getting bad quickly, you risk her being a danger to herself and others. (Granny stopped eating, would lock herself in the bathroom or bedroom, or try to leave, and would get very angry with Grandad if he tried to help her) Do what is best for you, your husband, AND your mother. As for those who think you're abandoning her-well, when my daughter was born premature, I couldn't bring her home, I HAD to leave her at the hospital until she was strong enough to come home. I know your situation is slightly different, but DON'T let others make you feel guilty whatever your decision.

Answer 6

I looked after my mother at home and so did my sister( she had her for 8 years) she was practically a vegetable in all , but she did have her mind . it was very hard work , and my thinking on this is at 95 if she does'nt want to go to a home i would not put her there under any circumstances, what i would do is i would talk to all the family and work out a rota ,where each one could take a turn , if it was only to sit with her, they won't understand what 's invoved if they do not have first hand experience, if you are the only one to take her , i would still keep her she won't be around for ever ,i wish you luck in whatever you decide to do , you'll need it all. it is very very hard work mentally .

Answer 7

Personally I would rather not. Saying that, not everyone can manage and care for someone in that situation no matter how good their intentions. Maybe if she went into a home part-time and stayed with you the rest of the time with maybe a nurse coming in to help with washing etc. Would there be someone at home all day every day to care for and watch her? Sometimes you really do have to be cruel to be kind and i'm sure she wouldn't like you to put your lives on hold. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Answer 8

This is such a sad situation but you are going to have to be strong and bite the bullet and put her in the home, once she has settled in there (and she will) then things will be right. If you brought her home you and your husband will get so stressed that it'll make your relationship suffer and your health too. You know deep down your Mum is better off in a home. Good Luck & stay strong.

Answer 9

If you can't take care of her then you should put her in a good home...You really need to look at these homes and make sure they will take good care of her..There is no reason to feel quilty if you can't take care of her.If you both work then she needs to go somewhere where she is watch after at all times...So she can't do something to harm herself..Like leave something on the stove and burn the house down with her in it...Good luck.Oh and one more thing.Don't listen to these young kids saying stuff like did she get a abortion.They don't know what they're talking about.

Answer 10

You are probably in your sixties plus and therefore being so mature, should ask yourself, "How would I wish to be cared for by others if ever I am not able to care for myself "
If you have children of your own, ask them what you should now do for your Mother and the reply will no doubt open your eyes one way or the other. If it is to place your dear Mother in care, you will then know of your own possible future fate in similar circumstances.
Now your own conscience should give you the right answer to your interesting question. Good Luck.