Before I was born, my father left my mother, and my dad was never around. Since I was little, I've had abandonment issues. I would go to my aunts house over a weekend, and I'd cry uncontrolably when my mom would come to pick me up. I also remember doing the same thing when I would get really close to my babysitters, mom's friends, etc. Now I see that I am protruding this feeling of abandonment onto my boyfriend. It's like I have these panic attacks and I feel like there is this huge hole in the pit of my stomach. I always have doubts any time he says he loves me, or that he will do something for me, see me later, you name it, I doubt it. I also hold things inside because I'm affraid he won't want to understand this issue and he'll leave me. I know it sounds so pathetic, but I can't help myself, and I don't want to loose my boyfriend, he's a good guy, and I'm hurting him by feeling this way. Has anyone delt with an issue like this? How do I stop my feelings and get my mind straight?
2006-10-13 10:46:52 · 7 answers · asked by Tracey 4 in Health ➔ Mental Health
I know a suggestion would be counseling, but I'd like to see if I can be able to overcome this on my own. I've already contacted my father, and I thought we were finally going to get a chance to be father and daughter, but he decided to be a real jerk to me, won't let me see my baby half sister, won't return my phone calls, because the last time I saw him he invited me to San Francisco, flew me out, didn't spend any time with me, I spent more time with his girlfriend then him, and then decided on my last day that he wasn't going to drop me off at the airport because it was in Berkley and was too far of a drive, so he made me go with his friends while he got drunk and ate sushi. He's not a very nice or responsible person, and I know I shouldn't expect anything from him, but this issue is because of him and I don't know what do do........ All of your suggestions are greatly appreciated.
2006-10-13 10:47:04 · update #1
First of all - I have to give you SO MUCH credit for giving your "father" a second chance. You were the grown-up in that situation, and it sounds like you're a pretty amazing person.
As for your feelings of abandonment, try to remember that those feelings are a part of the relationships you've had with people you love, particularly your dad. You can't really address it alone, especially if it's something that affects your relationship with your boyfriend. Explain it to him. You say he's a good guy and I believe you. Once he knows everything, he can help by being supportive and understanding your feelings better.
I think counseling actually would be a great idea, and it's awesome that you thought of it yourself - that means you're probably open to the idea of getting counseling. Definitely look into it - your school probably has something where kids who only have one parent can talk. Usually these kids have abandonment issues like yours, due to divorce, separation, death of a parent, etc. They can understand and give you advice as a peer and a friend who knows what you've been through.
If you really want to try it yourself, try making some really good friends by joining club or activities, etc., so that you have a really strong support system of people you like and feel close to. That'll probably help alot. There are also books you can get to try to understand your own feelings better - Here's one that is a collection of true stories and how people got through it:
Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear (Paperback)
by Claudia Black
2006-10-13 11:13:59 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I under stand Ur issue and yes i feel the same way u have to let him in a little at a time but i never let anyone completely in i always end up pushing them away it is very hard tell him what you are going through and explain to him it is going to take time for you to let him do things or your reactions to things like him saying he loves u very hard for you to say it back or to even except it i know if you can get a couple of books to read about your problems and start a journal it helps so much write everything you feel every day what you done how you feel what a certain person did said so on and so forth it will help but sweetie you will need a lot of time and as for your father he will need you one day and it will be to late so keep your head up and just know that the man you got loves u and slowly talk to him about things u would want him to know about you good luck sweetie
2006-10-13 11:11:26 · answer #2 · answered by babytiger1211 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your story shows the impact that early relationships can have on our sense of security, safety, attachment, and ability to nurture healthy relationships with others. It's clear that you've been thinking long and hard about things and you show a good deal of insight into some of your feelings and motivations in your current relationships. Sounds, too, like there are changes happening in other key relationships in your life (i.e., with your dad) at the same time.
As much as it's tempting to "go it alone", I think that the situation you describe is sufficiently complex and potentially overwhelming enough that seeking counselling, even if it's just supportive, can help to keep your mind clear and help you to sort out where you and your needs fit in all of this. You describe a need to "get [your] mind straight," and it's easy to imagine how confusing all of this must feel at times. At the end of the day, you are left with yourself, and it seems that that's where much of the work will need to start. A skilled therapist or counsellor (worth the search, investment, and hopefully, easy to access in your area) will help you to concentrate on the things that you are feeling and the things that you can reasonably control in your life amid all of the "the noise". The fears and struggles that you've identified are legitimate and need to be addressed in direct, effective ways, and there's no shame in getting some assistance with that process. Know that it will take time and will be really difficult at times. By becoming more balanced, centered, and sure of who you are and what you're about, you enhance your ability to be a good partner in all of the relationships of your life. You start choosing relationships that affirm you and the other person rather than reproducing familiar but unhealthy patterns. Once the healing starts, you can start looking outwardly and assisting/supporting others in their journeys. That would seem to be the best gift you could give yourself and others. Why not document this very personal process by writing entries in a journal when you can? Hope this helps.
2006-10-13 11:11:33 · answer #3 · answered by semper 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
First thing is you need to learn how to let go of the hurt your father has caused you. Until you deal with that you will always have the same issues of abandonment. Every relationship you get into will turn to that same feeling for you and you don't want to live your life out dealing with hurt from the past. One suggestion you may not like is to confront your father ask him why he abandoned you. Tell yourself he abandoned you because of something going on with him not because of you and stick to that. Remember non of us asked to be born in the first place. He needs to be a man and tell you why he left and he also needs to apologize for making a child hurt because he was too selfish to deal with being a father.
2006-10-13 10:52:01 · answer #4 · answered by jozetta W 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to understand that you don't even have a relationship with your dad now, anymore than when you were a child. You seem to a wonderful girl and your dad it a useless man. You need to let that relationship go. He is not giving you the emotional support that you need. Let your past go. The only person you need to trust right now is yourself, and learn that you are a person worthy of being loved. People go in and out of our lives all the time. L:ive for the now. If your b/f is really loving and trustworthy, you really need to tell him. It will help him understand some of your issues. But you need to let him do his thing to and learn to trust. If he loves you he will stay. If he doesn't then it wasn't your time yet.
2006-10-13 11:27:09 · answer #5 · answered by oddbutterfly1 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Apparently you haven't overcome this problem on your own so far. Please see a counselor. I know that it's a hard step, but it'll help.
2006-10-13 10:54:36 · answer #6 · answered by drshorty 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You mistake your past for who you are. Let go of it.
2006-10-13 10:51:10 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋