My friend kinda neglects her 15 month old...?

Question

My best friend in the world (I love her dearly) has a 15 month old and a 3 month old. I know for a fact that she is busy considering I have three kids myself- however I don't believe she is treating her 15 month old properly. Supper will consist of hot dogs (most often this is the case) or an egg or a griled cheese or just mac and cheese. This is not nutritious and I understand she is busy but her daughter is going to pay for this in the long run- the poor kid goes weeks without pooping. The house is disgusting with bugs and flies and dirty dishes smelling and the dog drags the trash around. There are close to 10 loads of laundry on the laundry room floor spiling into the dining room. They have an old cat who can't control his bladder so he pees on everything and there's cat puke on the dining table. I really want to call child protective services but I thought I should talk to my friend first and tell her how unacceptable this is. How would you tell her/would you tell her at all?

I don't really care if she knows it was me who called CPS either. I will not hide it from her- she needs to know it's unacceptable I just wonder if maybe she doesn't realize it's so bad. While MY home is clean and my kids have good food I also am a stay at home mom who has time to do things like that. This girl does work.

I've been trying not to say this (LOL) but everyone has the same suggestion- to "help" her get caught up and get her on track. I've helped several times. Every few months she gets help from me to clean up her mess and while I love those babies and I will clean the nastiest things so that they are healthy- I won't be able to "help" forever. I've been doing this for 4 years now- ever since her and her husband moved into their first apartment together. It's getting old- and now there are children involved.

Hubby is useless. He only contributes to the mess and filth. He complains to her that she is lazy and fat and that she doesn't do anything around the house and then on his days off he goes fishing. Yes- I believe she is depressed; I know I would be. I know she is not "mis-treating" her children and that she loves them with all her heart- she just works long and hard hours and her children are at such demanding ages that she has to take care of the "now" not the laundry. I understand that.

Answer 1

Have you ever suggested her and her hubby hiring a service maid or nanny once or twice a week?

In her case, I rather fork out that extra 80 a week than have my children be at risk to have them taken away or get seriously sick.

She doesn't realize all the mold, bacterial and other virus are growing in that un-cleaned house that can attack her young children that don't have high imune system yet.

You are right, you can't keep doing it as your family will be affected too. You got 3 children to care for and she needs to care for her two kids.

Sad to say, but she also needs to get more strict on her husband. If he complains about it, then he should be a stay at home dad as she is working.

Her children are young, but the 15 month old can learn some small routines on helping "mommy". Such as putting clothes in the washer, seperating colors (good education to teach colors and small numbers), help her vacuume (you be surprised what dreading activities children enjoy that young). As the child gets older, can have a little more respect and value in cleaning. Just can't over load and not expect much from a 15 m onth old. But, it can be done.

Up to you, but can offer to take her kids for a few hours to the park with yours while she can have "mommy time" to clean and do what she needs to do.

Help find an affordable babysitter one or two nights out of the week.

Infant/toddler pre school for a few hours.

Give suggestions and see where it goes.

CPS can ruin friendship if she finds it was you. However, best interest of the children are priority.

Answer 2

If your not afraid she knows, then sit her down and tell her! It's gross and unhealthy and if she doesn't straighten her act up, you will call child services on her. Also, I learned this with my horrible sister....take pictures! Go over with a throw away and pretend to take pictures of the kids "to use up the film", so there is some evidence. Kids deserve more than that, they deserve a real home and decent meals. I will be the first to say, my house isn't spotless, but it is toys all over living room, and papers all over my husband's desk and clean clothes in a couple laundry baskets needing some time to be put away. That is a big difference than bugs and cat puke. Those kids could get sick or even die if something happened. Get her help, in the long run, she will understand.

Answer 3

I had a friend like this once. The way I handled it was I told her I knew how overwhelming it was to have two children that close together and I offered my help. I got a baby sitter for my children and I went over to her house from early in the morning until late in the evening for several days. On a couple of the days I took some young men from the church I attend and they installed child proof locks all over the house for me. We cleaned the house from top to bottom and got rid of a lot of stuff that was broken or useless. We mopped and scrubbed and did all the laundry. We cleaned out the children's drawers and got rid of the things that didn't fit them any more. We put all the clean laundry away and put a laundry basket in each room and the bathrooms for the dirty clothes to go in.

It gave her the jump start she needed and she started keeping her house cleaner as a result. I also taught her how to make some quick easy meals that the children would eat. I felt much better about the whole thing and it taught her how to keep things under control. I went over periodically after that to help out when she needed it. She has been forever grateful to me for my assistance. By the way, she had 4 kids under the age of 5.

Answer 4

Whats most important here is to do whats in the best interest of the child. Children don't have the power to make a difference for themselves. They depend on adults to look out for them. From the sound of it, it sounds like your friend is got more then she can handle right now. This is definitely unsafe and unhealthy living conditions for a child and especially an infant. I would talk to her and tell her how you feel if shes your Best Friend she should be able to take it from you better then anyone. Then give her a chance to get things straight. If she couldn't do it I would call Child Services. The only reason is if something ever happened to her kids and I knew I could have made a difference or helped them and didn't it would haunt me for the rest of my life. She may hate you at first, but from the sound of it you would be doing the best thing for her and her kids health. Or you could just call Child Services doesn't give the name of the person who filed the complaint. Good Luck this is a tough one. Hope this helped.

Answer 5

I would get together with a few friends and offer her a day to help her "catch up". Hopefully she will take you up on it. The thing about calling CPS is that your standards may be higher than your friends, but from CPS's perspective, what you've described may not be enough to take her children away. You can suggest that the cat be confined to one room (bigger than a laundry room or bathroom) so that he's not peeing on everything, and make that room as pee-friendly as possible. Otherwise, if she can't keep up, you should sit her down and explain that if things deteriorate any more, she could lose her kids.

Answer 6

Maybe you could talk to her about taking her laundry to a laundry service that washes laundry and folds it up for there costumers. Maybe she could afford someone to come in and clean her house once or twice a week. On the other days your friend might be able to keep it somewhat clean. Your friend may also try hiring a organizer to help her get her house in a better order.

Maybe you should call C.P.S and have them look into the situation over there.

Answer 7

there might be more going on with your friend (even though it sounds like there's already enough going on right now.) I would definately try talking to her. if you or someone that you both know could offer her help, get the place cleaned up, proper food made, and something done with the animals.....but she might not even think that anything is wrong with what she's doing. i would try to explain to her that it's not a good living environment and if someone were to find out there is a high chance that heer kids would be taken from her. keep in mind though that i'm sure she'll be upset by you or someone else confronting her about the situation but also, it's not about her, it's about the kids and what is best for them....

Answer 8

I would still call child protective services. I don't know if talking to your friend will help or not. Her child's health is being compromised and I think it's better to do something about it now rather than later. It would be hard for her children to be taken away if it came to that but they need to be in a healthy enviornment. Good luck, I hope works out for the best for all involved.

Answer 9

You've been a really good friend. Give her another chance. Before taking the drastic step of calling CPS, how about encouraging and helping your friend get in to a counselor? Being taken away from their mother would be traumatic for those babies. The best solution for them and your friend would be for her to get the help she really needs. Giving up on housekeeping is a symptom of an even bigger problem. She has a mental illness and needs help.

Another answer mentioned a parenting class. I think once she is seeing a counselor and getting healthier mentally, this would be good for her. Go to classes with her.

Answer 10

If you have already tried to "help" several times, then maybe the best thing is just to call them(CPS). Then, tell her that you called and why you called. She may hate you for awhile, but her kids will be in the system, and maybe this is the motivation that she needs to care for them properly. This is not a good environment for children to thrive in, and they deserve something better.