I became engaged this year (we had dated a year prior to the engagement). My fiance had been married before and divorced. He came to MD 5 years ago without his children (12 & 8 yrs boys). The children's mother sent them to Maryland March of this year. The problem is the children had been allowed to raise themselves while in Florida. Their mother has two other children from a previous marriage. I'm here to help my fiance while still having issues of my own with my mother and 14 year old neice who came to live with me almost a month ago. I have sisters who do not help with my mother so everything is left up to me. My fiance and I have been arguing since the children have arrived but we were never like this before they came. They keep his home soooo nasty and unclean. He works two jobs and I work only one (we don't live together but I go over to help with his children) and I work from 6:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. I enforce the rules my fiance doesn't because he works 2 jobs. HELP!!!
2006-10-13 07:24:23 · 14 answers · asked by AnneMaria 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Oh dear, may the lord give you strength...it sounds like you have your hands full. Bless you for having the will to attempt to get through it all.
As for your FI's children, that is very tough. It is unfortunate they have not had proper parenting, but it is not too late to get them on the right path. One thing that you and for FI need to both understand is that they will soon be "your" kids as well, as you are about to become a family. They may not call you "mom", but it will be expected that they respect and obey you.
I know it must be very difficult since he is working two jobs, but you need to talk to your FI and explain this all to him. Say you are willing to help out with the kids, but you cannot be the only one laying down the law. If comes home and is too tired to care, it's only going to lead to further discord.
As for the children themselves, you need to attempt to get them into some sort of routine so they will acknowledge MD as their new home. Give them chores and responsibilities and make them take pride in where they live. Discuss with their father a way to keep them involved, and how he can also keep them on track when he is at home.
Just be open and honest with your FI. Over time, the arguing should settle down once everyone reaches an understand and the stress decreases.
Good luck!
2006-10-13 07:33:26 · answer #1 · answered by Sativa 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is a very difficult situation and I am sorry that you find yourself here. His children are there to stay, while your mother and neice may just be temporary. First, evaluate your financial situation. Is he working two jobs to pay for an elaborate wedding or to make ends meet? Talk with him about the disciplinary actions you take with the children. Keep the communication open and determine what you are arguing about. Good luck.
2006-10-13 07:28:35 · answer #2 · answered by sounsure90211 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just my opinion but I would run for the hills. The two words that usually don't mix are Fiance and children.
There are years ahead of obvious problems here and unless you are willing to sacrifice your life to be involved with those problems then get out while you still can.
I know you two are in love but the kids have been let to go and w/o a lot of work and compromise your going to have problems.
Just a thought. Best of luck.
2006-10-13 07:30:03 · answer #3 · answered by sideways 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
let's first decide that it's not the children's fault.this is where we as adults should be role models.You and the other adults involved here have to have a meeting among yourselves and decide together what system will work to bring harmony and peace.Then after discussing and being honest and actually considering the children,hold a family meeting with the kids and discuss the decisions you adults have made.Family meetings once a month really help get feelings and thoughts out in the open and encourage talking to each other.
2006-10-13 08:44:45 · answer #4 · answered by punkin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, then the best thing to do his to tell him that he needs to explain to his boys that ,they need to clean up behind themselfs because when them become of age and start dating aint no women going to want a nasty man! Or he can say there friends will talk about them him they see there house is a mess,or u two need to move in togather and maybe things will work out meaning u wont have to runing back in forward trying to clean ther and look up on them then trun around and go home and do the same thing,that away your mother can also kind of help out u feel me!
2006-10-13 07:33:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Are the boys just visiting or permanent? Maybe part of the problem is that they came to see their dad and aren't. Sounds like they would be raising themselves here too if not for your decision to help out.
Watch a lot of Super Nanny and Nanny 911. They have a lot of good techniques for dealing with unruly children. But remember that they are children and respond the best to love and honesty. Good luck.
2006-10-13 07:46:10 · answer #6 · answered by Judy W 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am pretty much in the same situation my fiance has 3 kids and they are allowed to do what ever they want at there moms and when they come over he does not enforce rules he is scared they wont come over it doesn't get better it get worse his daughter calls me a b***h and nothing is said to her i going to make him go to concealing before i marry him we have been together for 4 years
2006-10-13 08:02:46 · answer #7 · answered by sambonesgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sit down with your finance and lay out some rules concerning the boys upkeep of the home while he's working. If he love you he'll consent to the boys helping out and stop leaving his/their home a wreck. As for your niece and sisters they could use a little sit down time with you and your mother. GOOD LUCK!!
2006-10-13 07:32:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
To start off its your Fiance's responsibility to discipline those kids. He needs to take time off and tell them... She is my future wife you have to respect her as you would to me. If you guys don't do as you are told you will be punished. And you should not let them take advantage of you. You have enough on your plate as it is. If your Fiance can not take the time to talk to those kids or have a family talk then you really need to reconsider marring him. He is the man of the house and those are his kids. As long as you show the kids respect they should return the favor. But if your mistreat them then I would not blame them for the way they act. I have 3 step kid of my own and till this day I have not had a problem. I joke around with them I make plans for all of us to do something (including the father) But they know that they have to respect me or they will have a problem with there father.
2006-10-13 09:16:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
he probably feels guilty about not spending very much time with his two kids because of his jobs. you are his fiancee which means future step mom. he is gonna have to get on to his kids while he is at home with them. tell him how it is making you feel. things dont always work out like we plan. when you are the step mom it is hard to find a place to fit in plus the kids were thrown on you. it takes time to adjust. it takes work so keep trying dont give up unless nothing else works.
2006-10-13 07:46:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋