His grandma is trying to ruin my wedding. What do I do?

Question

We are having a destination wedding in Jamaica (not MY decision..OUR decision). We sent letters out to our family members (who pretty much already knew). My fiance's grandma came over while we were at his parents house and went on and on about how we obviously didn't want her at the wedding because she is NOT going to that dirty disgusting place (we're going to an all-inclusive resort...). I sat there for quite awhile listening to her badmouth my wedding (as well as my engagement ring) and I finally stood up and said "If you want *****, go somewhere else. This is our wedding." She apparently called me a little brat and left (I had walked out of the room). She called my fiance's aunt (who I'm very close with) telling her she better watch out because I'll turn on her soon too, she has a bitter taste in her mouth about this that won't go away from a long time, blahblahblah....So, I emailed her that night (everyone said to just leave it alone and not even talk to her) apologizing for what

what I said and explained that she had hurt us both by the things she was saying. No response. (We've always gotten along great). This was a few weeks ago and my fiance's mom told me last night that I'm on his grandma's **** list, she's definitely not coming to the wedding (don't care about that and either does he or her daughters), and that I'm a spoiled little brat.
Few things-1. she's mentally ill (bi-polar I think) so everyone tells me I have to take it with a grain of salt and just swallow the things she says. I'm really trying, but I'm not one to sit back and let someone badmouth me and project their own flaws onto me (she's acting like a spoiled child). 2. She hates her life and tries to ruin everything for everyone. It's ridiculous. It's not my fault her life turned out the way it did and that's no reason to try to ruin mine.

I know there's not really anything I can do. I really want to confront her, but her whole family is telling me to ignore it. Any opinions?

That was supposed to say "If you want to *****, go somewhere else."

I truly think that she thinks I'm a spoiled brat for not planning my wedding around her. Soo...wouldn't that make HER the spoiled brat? It's not her wedding.

Oh, and she has PLENTY of money, so paying to go is not at all the issue.

Actually, the place we chose is beautiful and we're very excited about it. That IS the wedding, and that is what we defended (including my fiance's brother who was there).

How am I being a brat? I honestly do want to know...I don't see what I've done (besides what I said to her and I apologized), but maybe I'm truly missing something...if so, I would like to know.

And yes, I should "let it go" but it's not like it's over...she apparently hates me for whatever I did so wrong and the holidays are coming up which means I can't just ignore it or her...

Answer 1

Okay, first things first ... close your eyes, take a deep breath, picture your fiance in your head -- and SMILE.

Now, open your eyes, take another deep breath, and look at the GORGEOUS engagement ring on your left hand.

That ring is a symbol of the promise and committment that the TWO of you will make to each other. You won't be making it to his whole family; it is a promise between the TWO of you.

So his grandma is being difficult? Welcome to the wonderful world of in-laws. You are not going to get along with everyone. Remember that you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family and that by getting married, you are entering into a new family as a part of that extended family. You don't have to like what she did but you do have to try in your heart (and this is between you and God) to love her.

She does sound as though she is ill. She does sound like she is being the brat. You are RIGHT, this is about the two of you and just because she is miserable, you don't have to be.

One piece of advice girlfriend, if everyone else in the family is telling you to ignore her and let it go, I have learned from experiecne that this is the best thing that you can do.

It sounds like we have a lot in common and it has taken me the last year and a half to finally learn that I can't change anyone no matter how much I don't like it. My new approach is this:

"I can't change your mind, I don't even expect you to agree with me or like what I have to say. However, I do expect that you listen to what I have to say. I ask that you respect where I am coming from and, know that while I am not asking to change you, I ask that you not ask to change me."

This couple of sentences has gotten me VERY far with my in-laws.

At the end of the day, his grandma is old, tired and miserable (from the sounds of it) and regardless of where you will have your wedding, she will have some sort of issue.

Go on with your plans, I applaud that you stood your ground and that you remembered YOUR VOICE -- marriage has a way of stifling that.

You are going to marry the man of your dreams and it will be beautiful. You will have friends and family that love and support both of you and that is what is important. The people that have to rag about it, well, they just simply aren't worth this much effort.

Move on, enjoy your planning and engagement and last but not least ... Congratulations!

Answer 2

You did what you can and you had valid reason to be upset.

Due to your grandmother's ill state of mind, you have to word things in a respectful manner but still get your point across at the same time. It is harder than it sounds. I understand that.

She is upset that you and him are not interested in her opinion nor going to a place she wants to go to. Then saying what you did (which I would of said the same thing in the heat of the moment after hearing her complain) didn't help much in the situation.

You need to call her up or invite her over and explain the situation how you felt she was extremly mean and rude about your wedding that you had about enough hearing about it. If she doesn't listen and still calls you a brat, then unfortunitly, this battle needs to die down by dropping the issue. Some people rather remain sour lemons for awhile by sulking because they didn't get their way. Bi-polar or not (Bi-polar people make good decisions and don't excuse their bad ones for the disorder....)

Everyone is right, just leave it alone and let her be a sour lemon.

She has the choice to be mature and drop the issue to know you two are happy about the decision. If she doesn't, that is her loss and can't change her no matter how hard you try.

She doesn't go, then she doesn't go. If she does, especially while still mad or have a tendency to "complain" a lot, then what good is that on your wedding day?

My future grandmother in law refuses to go to Hawaii where my fiance and I are getting married. She said "Even if someone pays for it all, I won't get on a plane". That really hurt because in the past she said she hope we would get married and she would do whatever it takes to be there..... She has been on a plane before, nothing bad happened and won't look into other options like a boat. My fiance and I had to deal with it. I have a hard time talking to her now due to my anger towards her stubburness to not attend as I feel she doesn't care enough nor wanted to hear all him and I had to say. It was "what I said is final" attitude. So, I understand how a pain others can be.

Yet, your wedding. You enjoy it.

What you can do is say when you get back home, you and your fiance with others who could not attend can go to a nice restraunt or an outing somewhere (you know she would like to be) and ask her would she attend that since she rather not attend jamacia?

Therefore, you are validating her thoughts to not attend, but making an effort you still want her to attend something in relation since you want her in your life etc.

See how that goes.

Other than that, sometimes you have to learn to pick your battles.

Answer 3

I hate to say it, but I might consider going far away and getting married. That would solve the problem of psychotic mothers and sisters caught in the middle of trying to please everyone. Really, seriously, weddings are a little overrated, and few people actually get the formal candlelit wedding dream wedding, and even fewer get the family and friends to behave. Watch the wedding shows, so many destination weddings, so many price ranges. I would consider Las Vegas. And you can have a pretty dress, formal if you want, and the cake and the pretty chapel. Most of the hotels have a venue, a wedding planner, and you could always find your own. How are his relatives about the wedding? Are they sane? Consider taking his parents with you as witnesses. Will your Mom get over it, probably not, but you seem to have sensed that no matter what you do, Mom will act out. Option: catch Mom at a saner moment and just tell her. You are my Mom, and I want my Mom at my wedding. But if you can't take your meds, and behave like a Mom, I will have to make other plans. I love this man, and I am going to spend the rest of my life with him, with or without you. You might mention the in laws are supportive, and you would like her to be, too. And tell her what you want. Her in a pretty dress, walking down the aisle on the arm of an usher, wearing the corsage the groom bought her, smiling.

Answer 4

These are the problems you encounter when you join a new family. Not everyone is nice all the time. Try to accept that her opinion is legitimate for her. In other words, she is not "wrong" andyou are not "right" and she can say anything she wants.
You should probably let your fiance handle this since it's his family and not go about explaining things to his family. let him do that. I think you are overly involved in this. I also think from reading your email you might be acting a bit like a little brat. Try to think what a really mature person would do if a grandma-in-law had a problem with a planned destination wedding. Then try to do that.

Answer 5

How important is it to your fiance to please her? I am in the same situation. My fiance and I are planning a wedding in Hawaii and out family is disappointed they will not be there.

A great solution to this is simply talk to her. Tell her you understand she doesnt agree with your destination but it is 'your' wedding. Do not sink to her level by name calling. Do not feel badly about what YOU want. Do not fight with her or play into her hands like that.

Sometimes there is no pleasing everyone and you will just need to understand that and not let her get to you. She seesm to be trying to cause tension and waves. speak with the rest of the family, explain how hurt you feel and apologize for speaking out in a negative fashion,

A simple solution to this is get married at your preferred location and when you come home have your vows again in a church so they can be blessed by a priest. This option allows family to be there to witness your vows and feel a special part of the day.pehaps that would work?

Good luck and do not let other people casts stones of doubt or unhappiness on the most important day in your life. I hope you have an amazing wedding and wishing you all the best in the years to come. Let the love from your fiance guide and comfort you and enjoy your love, forget the others, for marriage is about creating your own family not merely marrying into someone elses.

Answer 6

This is a difficult situation. I know you probably don't want to do this, but I would write her a letter (not email). Just say that you are sorry for what you said to her, but that you wish that she could be excited about your wedding, cause it would mean a lot to you and your fiance. Also, say that you would love for her to attend your wedding, but that you understand if she cannot make it.

The key here is to be the bigger person, and try not to let things get to you. You don't want to have a bad feeling toward her right before your wedding. If you are sincere in your letter and she still acts that way to you, then there's nothing else you can do, but at least you tried, and at least you can get on with what you need to do for your wedding.

Goodluck, and congratulations on the soon-to-be-wedding!

Answer 7

I am having a similiar issue with my MOTHER. I am getting married in Mexico in December. Less that two months away and she has something to say about everything in the wedding. She doesn't like my dress. She doesn't approve of what he is wearing. She thought the decision of where to have the wedding was a poor choice.

The kicker is she isn't paying for anything. Sad isnt it.

My advice to you is that mentally ill people are just that, mentally ill. There is very little that you can do to please an already miserable person. My mother is alone and very miserable. Just watch out for future attacks from her and limit your contact.

Answer 8

Do you feel better?
Because after reading this post, if I was in your shoes, I would feel a lot better.

Write her a letter, not email, and explain that you both love her very much, and hate the fact that she will not be attending your wedding. Plan and simple...if you don't hear from her for the rest of her life...that is HER problem not your problem...get married in Jamaica and have a wonderful life together...grandma doesn't need to be there to make things worse

Answer 9

I understand your frustration when she was badmouthing your wedding but your reaction was harsh. You don't have to like her but she is your husband's family and she does deserve respect. I think you know that though and wish you had handled it differently.

She can be a ***** all she likes but you have to be the bigger person and patronize her to death. Fake it. You will sleep better at night and family won't turn on you down the road.

Personally I would do the 'catch more bees with honey' theory and send her a special bouquet with a very special, handwritten invitation to your wedding. BS through it and make it sound like you need her there, just can't imagine this day without her blah blah. How is she going to complain to ANYONE about you or that???

Bite your tongue and smile through it.

Answer 10

You are not just marrying your man you are marrying his family,hopefully for life. You were hurt and disappointed for obvious reasons, when people are hurt they tend to become aggressive and defencive so you reacted in an expected way. You need to try to mend this relationship simply because it is part of your future. If you could find a way to ask this Elder for some advice, telling her she is the only one you can think of who would have the answer she would then feel included in the planning , maybe something for when you come back from Jamaica. Surely you will be having a party or reception for those who for various reasons could not go to Jamaica. Remember you are marrying into a family and aren't you lucky! Congratulations