My boyfriend never follows through...?

Question

My boyfriend never follows through with anything. We have beeen dating for nearly five years. I just graduated from college and managed so save money. He has worked full time and lives at home and he hasn't saved a cent. He wants to get married, but he hasn't done anything to work towarad accomplishing that. He has a lot of expenses that make it impossible for him to move out on his own. He wants to move in with me, and I love him, but I don't know if he is the man that I need him to be. He promises to save money, clean up after himself and be responsible. He has promised to do this in the past and I keep giving him another chance. I want to believe that he will make an effort, but I have a feeling that if I stay with him, I'll be more like his mother than his lover. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

I know the feeling. Mine is an engineer, and would rather call in sick to spend 150 dollars to race his car on the track, then go to work and actually get paid for unused sick days. Men. If you dont feel like he will be a good and responsible father/husband, then you might have no other choice than to move on. I take it you guys have talked about it? Maybe you should live together and try and see. I used to be against living together before marriage, but letely I am thinking itsa good thing, to see how personalities will change, and how habits might clash.

Answer 2

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like you will always be more of a mother figure to him. If you've given him several chances in the past to clean his act up and he hasn't, why will that change if you move in together? Maybe things would change for a few months, but he would probably resort back to his old ways. Even though he has a lot of bills, living at home and working full time should have afforded him the ability to save SOME thing. After being with someone for 5 years breaking up seems almost impossible, because this person has been a huge part of your life for so long, how are you supposed to just cut him out if it? Maybe the best thing to do, since you love him so much, is to tell him about your concerns, take a break from each other, and see what he can get accomplished. Perhaps your absence will remind him of all the broken promises he made to you and he'll actually do something about it. If you're going to spend forever together, what's 6 months apart? And maybe during those 6 months or so, you'll realize you're better off without him. Or, you could realize that you can't live without him and you're willing to make certain sacrifices in your life to be with him. At any rate, a break from each other is probably the best idea. It could make him realize that he has to depend on himself to survive, not on you or his parents. I hope everything works out, good luck to you.

Answer 3

I think this is a legitimate concern and something you two need to work out together. Your boyfriend may not realize how much of a serious issue this is. You need to impress upon him these feelings of not wanting to be his mother but his partner! Help him get the idea that you aren't going to be his safety net, but together you can figure out the future.

Perhaps, since you seem to be fairly good with money, you can sit down together and figure out a budget for the both of you. If he wants to get married he needs to realize that a marriage is a pool of resources and together you can pool your financial smarts and his cash. Work out an allowance system. I've often found that if I take my budgeted allowance out in cash, I have a better understanding of how much I can spend on things.

As a slob myself, it is difficult to make the change between leaving shoes and clothes on the floor to scrubbing the toilet with a toothbrush. Perhaps you can have "cleaning time" together so that instead of it being a chore it becomes an activity to spend time together. You can do the dishes as a team or split up bathroom/bedroom or something.

Another thing I've found that helps with the mess is having places where things always go. Have a place you ALWAYS put your shoes, have a trash can readilly available in the areas that get soda can and paper plate buildup. Perhaps he can take over the garage and turn it into his "messy room".

edit: also don't be too stressed out on this, these are issues that all couples go through. Issues of mess and money, of past relationships, of frequency of sex, of spending too much time apart...these are all common problems in relationships.

Answer 4

I feel that everything that you need to know is directly in front of you. You see firsthand that he doesn't want to do anything now so what makes u think that he will take responsibilty later on when u two are living together. Pleae don't fall for what he is telling you. He is only trying to tell you what you want to hear just so that he can get his foot in the door. Once that is accomplished, you will see his bad habits all over again. Plus, with him having alot of expenses, you know that he is going to want to combine both of y'all's income to pay for everything and right then the majority of your hard earned money will be going mainly toward taking care of him. I can go on and on... but to make a long story short... don't make that move.

Answer 5

You have good reason to be concerned. His current actions are a pretty good indicator of what his actions would be if you two lived together. Trust your heart on this matter, he isn't the man you need or want for your future. Maybe some day he will grow up and change but you shouldn't wait around until then just hoping it happens or have him live off of you until then. Move forward with your life and maybe that will force him to move forward with his life as well.

Answer 6

Well first off when you move in with your significant other aren't you expected to share expenses. That means he will probably expect you to help out with all his expenses(since he has so many). If he is still at home and can not get it together then I don't see how moving in with you will change him. Before you let him in your door you have to make sure he can and is willing to take care of himself on his own. If you don't have children you really don't want to bring one in that IS old enough to take care of himself.

Answer 7

Whatever he does now will NOT get better with marraige. Please don't be one of "those" naive women that marries some bum on the belief he will change. He WON'T!!! He'll get worse as a matter of fact. I am a guy... SAVE YOURSELF. And find a nice, responsible guy that can make your dreams reality, whatever those dreams may be. This guy will provide nothing but a life of debt, irresponsible spending, and do you really want that for your children?

Answer 8

ok, that's heavy. i think he's means tripping. I at the instant are unable to ascertain the different objective to not straighten out your existence or maybe threaten to soak up a diverse vice in place of smoking pot. I propose you ask for help before than he's previous it. How approximately checking him into rehab/counseling once you communicate that probable he has matters jointly together with his paintings or conceitedness and are unable to submit to to make himself susceptible even to his very own gf/important different. How approximately consulting his properly pal which you're additionally snug with? Or his brother or all people he's very practically and who supplies you you a proof why he's very consistent together with his vices. for my area, i think it extremely is actual which you're hesitant to marry him. i could do the very equivalent element. i'm guessing it extremely is once you communicate that a minimum of you will definitely bypass away on an identical time as the predicament progresses too an prolonged way. i've got attached counsel approximately long term results of marijuana use and maximum of them are extreme. according to probability you will reveal this to him to sober him up. stable fulfillment!

Answer 9

Don't think you can change him, because you can't. If you move into together, he will mooch off you. You are probably thinking that if you break up, you wasted 5 years of your life, but try to imagine another 20 years with him. You will still not like the things about him and will really start to hate him for them. If you are okay being his mom, this is the guy for you.

Answer 10

if he agrees, sit down with him and go over his expensives. find out what he is spending all that money on.

come up with a plan to cut his expenses if he is spending needlessly.

does he have credit cards? combine them into one and start paying it off.

since he doesn't save, set up a savings account and have money automaticly transfered every paycheck.

he should feel confortable sharing his financial inforamation with you since your going to be married. if he doesn't... that's a serious warning sign of your furture with him. he could also see a financialy planner to help figure out a budget