I adopted a child who hates me. He abuses me constantly. We have 4 counselors involved with the 4 kids that we adopted as well as a case manager. We have called the police for domestic violence against us. We are not violent, just the kids are. No matter what the consequence my son continues to put me down. This describes it perfectly: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AsmhqeDMPF3LbleEeR_2A_4jzKIX?qid=1006050705653 except of course it is a child, not my spouse.
We have tried loss of privileges, a reward system, grounding, loss of personal items, including or excluding him based on his behavior, loss of allowance... what can I do? I am becoming depressed. I no longer have any friends. No one wants to be around him. I am withdrawn at work and do not even socialize with my coworkers. I am so tired of being told how stupid, ugly, fat, mean, retarded and gay I am. I have a husband and he is supportive. We just do not know what do do anymore.
2006-10-13 05:46:57 · 21 answers · asked by Melanie L 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
He was 8 when we got him; 14 now. We have a list of rules. We are consistent. We try something consistently. When it does not work we try something new.
I do not cry EVER in front of him. I do not know what he gets out of it other than it makes him feel better about himself to put me down. I think anyway.
2006-10-13 05:56:31 · update #1
The 4 kids are natural siblings. We adotped them together all at once, 6 years ago. The boys are more aggressive than the 1 girl, but right now the 14 year old is the worst. Currently it is not physical. From having the police called they learned that they cannot get away with it so now he is trying another route; verbal and emotional.
2006-10-13 06:04:14 · update #2
To PureSnow; we have read parenting with love and logic and are trying to allow him to make his own choices and then face the logical consequences. He is too young to get a job. We state our expectations and that is it. It is up to him to do what we expect or face the logical consequence.
2006-10-13 06:51:04 · update #3
It's a lack of respect. If he is an orphan, then obviously he feels some sort of abandonment by adults. he won't respect you until her learns that however he ended up a ward of the state, is not his fault. He's putting you off and keeping you at bay to avoid rejection and abandonment. So WHEN you leave him he will be prepared. And he'd rather be the cause of you leaving (by abusive actions) rather than learn to love you and then get left out of the blue. The best thing to do is speand one on one time doing what he likes to do (basket ball game, park, movies) and find the right moment to tell him how happy you are that he is in your life. How much he makes your life better and how you want good things for him. Don't be too mushy or available or it will come off as fake. But let him know that YOUR NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Punishment does not work because he's already punishing himself harsher than ANYONE can. He needs a consentrated dose of love, affection and support.
2006-10-13 05:53:44 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
With all the professionals involved you are probably afraid if you do the wrong thing that you will be the one in troulbe. The fact that you are trying so many things suggests a lack of consistency. I know you just don't know what works yet, but you need to always be consistent and not put up with anything that you don't want to put up with. Dr. Phil would ask what your son is getting out of it? If you can find the answer to that, you can turn it around. He would'nt be doing it if he wasn't getting something out of it. He is getting rewarded in some way. Maybe it is the fear in your eyes that brings him a thrill. You have to stop trying to be his friend, and be his parent. Put your foot down, be firm, be consistent, and tell him in no uncertain terms that if his behavior continues you will send him to boot camp! Make a list of rules and consequences for breaking each rule. Your son needs to know with absolute certainty what will happen to him if he breaks Rule #4 for instance. Good Luck.
2006-10-13 05:53:11 · answer #2 · answered by cherryred64gto 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am extremely saddened to hear of your situation! How unfortunate for you to have to experience such unacceptable behavior from a child whom you tried to "save". I am not sure what the story is that surrounds the child, or the steps taken upon the initial adoption. Such as- at what age was he placed with both you and your husband, etc.. I am sure you have been told on numerous occassions that you really never know what you are truly getting yourself into when one becomes a foster and or adopted parent. Often times the 'truth" as to the child's actual background is unknown and or sugarcoated. This is a risk you have to take into consideration before taking such a big step! You mentioned that you have 4 adopted children-I am curious to know a couple of more things...Such as- do the other children bhave in a similar manner? Does the "problem child" have any full blooded brothers or sisters adopted by you as well? Seeing as how the genetic make-up of the mentioned child is probably vague as well, you may never really get a chance to pin-point the problem. Instead, I suggest you stick with the counselors, etc.. take their advice and try to remain as patient as humanly possible. It seems to me that negative reactions to a situation often times cause a more volatile return. I agree whole-heartedly that you don't deserve to be treated in this manner, but seeing as how this is the road you chose for yourself, you have to hang in there and continue to do the best that you can. If worse comes to worse-scare the juvenile with a trip to a "bootcamp" type program, to show him how things can really be. Everything that we experience in our lives comes as a result of our choices and actions-we have to accept responsibility for these and work together as opposed to against eachother!
2006-10-13 06:00:46 · answer #3 · answered by PBnJ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Dear MUMMY...put him up for adoption? Are you nuts, he has already lost his bio mom, now you want his adoptive mother to abandon him? Oh, that's bright.
When was he adopted, how long have you had him etc...
I would keep him in counseling, that is the best way, especially if it's a counselor he worked with during the adoption / fostering phase. Some of it is just him being a teenager, but this is a bit extreme.
Remember, your not fat / ugly / stupid...etc. You are the target for a very angry teenager!
Good luck!
2006-10-13 05:56:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
keep in mind that kids who are involved in the foster care system always become aggressive depending on their history. Kids in foster care are usually there due to their biological parents abuse and neglect. Maybe your son had a tough upbringing with his biological parents. IF your son continues to direspect you. My advise to you is to find a youth residential program. Where he can get counseling and work on his anger management problem. Don't put up with his behavior. You're his mother and you have the right to look out for his future. He is probably holding something inside. It's hard for foster kids to find out that their parents abandoned them.
YOu're a strong mother and it sounds like you and your husband are trying really hard to save this child from becoming a juvenile. Hang in there. I know it's tough. Ask your case manager to look into housing programs or anger management classes for your son.
2006-10-13 05:55:13 · answer #5 · answered by Yessenia A. 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I hate to say this but if he can't appreciate what you and your husband are doing for him, he needs to go to foster care. I know its extreme but it's the last choice if nothing is working. I'm sorry to hear that your family has to suffer like this. It's not right. He obviously has some deep emotional problems and is taking out his anger on you. First,try all possible resources to get him help. Alot of people will not agree with me. I have seen first hand how this situation effects the whole family.
2006-10-13 05:53:54 · answer #6 · answered by Aidge 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
A good belt would work wonders. I know, I know, he's going to report you if you spank him. I'm in the same boat, only mine is a nephew that we have custody of, and he is only 7 years old. He's such a terror at times. He has acutally had my husband in tears. He physically abuses his classmates and his teachers. Nothing works with him either. We've even done the spanking, he doesn't care. I understand what you are going through and I am very sorry for you.
2006-10-13 05:51:54 · answer #7 · answered by zil28ennov 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
He's ruining your life and the life of your family. I would ask your counselors their opinions on what the best alternative is for making your family whole. This situation has upended your life, and your other children need to be protected. They need to know that you won't tolerate this behavior and are looking out for them.
You might consider giving up custody of him for a while. It would be a difficult decision to make, and only you and your husband can decide what's best for you.
2006-10-13 05:52:58 · answer #8 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
how old was he when you adopted him? how old is he now?
you need to be consistent about the rules you set and the standards you want him to adhere to. even natural children are sometimes extremely critical of their parents. they are using attack as a first line of defense. if by doing so you cry and retire that leaves them to have their way. you need to take a united stand and remain firm to all such provocation.you need to believe that they are being abusive not because they are adopted but because they are growing children.
2006-10-13 05:53:12 · answer #9 · answered by sumaravindran1958 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
When I drop my freshman son off at school each AM I've noticed that many of the young men going to his high school are physically very large, just like any full grown man these students have the physical size and strength to abuse their parents or other, especially mothers. You do not mention how old he is? 17+ maybe it's time to look into independent living for him. Obviously you have alot of professionals involved and if they can not come up with solutions then I do not expect alot of us will be able to.
2006-10-13 05:54:31 · answer #10 · answered by badmikey4 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋