Is it a good idea to meet a father you last saw 18 years ago when your parents split up?

Question

My Girlfriends parents split 18years ago when she was 6, her dad now wants to meet her, but her family think its a bad idea, do you think its a good idea or not

Answer 1

She's twenty four years old. Of course she should!

BUT she needs to go in with eyes wide open, low expectations, and no preconcieved judgement.

Sounds like she should take you with her. She needs a hand to hold.

I had almost the same exact thing. He was 'absent' for most of my life, and it wasn't a happy scene before he left.

I had absolutely NO family support when we tried to reconnect years later. I KNOW I couldn't have done it without my husbands help.

My dad and I have a good relationship now, but I don't depend on him for much, or have very high "dad" expectations.

Every once in a while he takes it upon himself to surprise me which is nice, but I can't (however sadly) count on him in a pinch.

Nor would I EVER ask him to babysit!

Answer 2

I think your girlfriend should question her family to find out why they object so strongly about her seeing her dad. They are probably wanting to protect her from hurt that he inflicted upon them in the past. However, when marriages break up there is a lot of acrimony and prejudice towards the other person which can be unjustified. Her family should understand that she has a need to know who her father is. Her mother chose to have a child with this man but when things fell apart it is not fair to then expect the child to blank him out of their life to suit everyone else. I have friends who, just because they have split up from their husband/ex boyfriends they want to cut all ties and give the father a hard time. That isn't really fair on the child. It is a positive thing that her father wants to get to know her. At least he is bothering to try so maybe she should meet him and see how things go. I hope there is a happy ending. Good luck!

Answer 3

Baring in mind her parents spilt up- is this the reason her family don't want her to meet him? If it is her Mum's side of the family then there is ovbiously still some hard feelings and that is possibly a reason they don't want the meeting to take place.
If however, it is her Dad's side of the family that are against it then there is obviously a VERY good reason as to why it shouldn't happen.
You're girlfriend is now 24 so it really is her decision and whether SHE actually want to meet HIM, the decision needs to be made by her and not influenced by anyone else.I've been in a similar situation with my parents and i know how difficult it is when one parents wants to meet and the other says its a bad idea becuase if personal reasons.
She really should not listen to anyone else and just do what she feels is right :-)

Answer 4

Well my mum and Dad split up when I was 4 years old, my Dad used to pick us up on a sunday and take us out but that only lasted 6 months, my mum was already with another man, so the court decided it would be in our (me and my elder sister) best intrest to grow up with mum and her new man. After a while we started to call the new man dad and mum went on to have 2 more children with him. I wouldn't sya I had a great childhood, so at 16 I decided that I wanted to get in touch with my real dad It had been almost 13 years, luckly there are only 29 people in the country with my surname and only 3 in our area so I found him pretty easily. Me and my real dad who I do call dad have a good relationship now. It doesn't matter what has gone in the past it's the relationship you can have now that counts. The fact is this man has probably changed over the years and is nothing like the man that your family remembers. I think tht your girlfriend, has got to make the decision for herself and not allow her family to persuade her either way. The fact is my mum was devestated when I got back intouch with my real dad and if I had spoke to her about it first she would have probably persuaded me not to get intouch with him, but then I wouldn;t have a loving relationship with him now if I hadn;t took the chance.
Good Luck to your girlfriend.

Answer 5

It really depends on the situation at that time. Why did her family say it's a bad idea, was it because of abuse (physical, sexual etc). If that is the case, it's best that she just forget about him. But if its because her parents had disagreement and differences during the past that caused the separation, this is an 'adult' problem that has nothing to do with her back then. In this case, she SHOULD see the father. I hope she will make a wise choice though, because this is her rights and she can do whatever she feels is right.

Answer 6

Firstly speak to her mother and find out the reasons for the break up and what the mothers reasoning is for not thinking its a good idea. Also, has her father given a reason for wanting a meeting at this point in her life?
Once she has all this information she can sum up the emmotional cost a meeting with her father (apparent stranger really) only then can she come to a decision, but remember the past is the past and can not be changed by words alone actions speak louder than words. i speak from experience and the heart on this matter, good luck with what ever you decide to do, and good luck X

Answer 7

I think it's a good idea, if the Father is not deemed to be unsafe/violent.
I split from my wife sometime ago and she has denied me access to my 2 girls who were 4 and 3 when we split. For the first 2 years of their lives I was a house husband and looked after the girls all day everyday while their mother was out at work or at her boyfriends place. I have not seen either of the girls now for 11 years and still miss them everyday. I am longing for the day when hopefully they will contact me. I never did either of the girls any harm when they were small and was never abusive to their mother but her mother married again and her new husband told her to not let me have any contact with the girls and they even changed the girls surnames to her new husbands name (not officially, but at school etc) I fought for access through the courts and even when the court gave me access right and threatened to put the girls mother in prison for repetedly breaking court orders, I still didn't get to see my daughters. The courts are a "dog with no teeth" when it comes to enforcing acces for absent fathers. I have paid £500 maintenence for 11 years, even though both my ex and her new husband have good paying jobs, yet my girls have seen none of this money as their mother used it to buy other properties. Fathers need their children as much as children need their fathers. So please tell your girlfriend to at least meet with her father and hear his side of the story.

Answer 8

Blood is thicker than water , meet your father and then make up your mind whether you would like to see him again.
What ever your family may think it's not their business he is your father and he still loves you even though he has split with your mother, in so many of these cases the truth gets twisted by bitterness, give him a chance to put his side of things

Answer 9

What does your girlfriend think? Why are her family so worried?

If she wants to meet him, then it might help her to gain some closure, there could be questions she needs to ask. But if she doesn't want to meet him and she is only going for his sake, then perhaps it's not such a good idea because it could open up a whole new can of worms for her.

Answer 10

it's a good idea...of course. everyone should know about their parents...because relationship between to of them is actually should be very good even the parents has been split up, but father and children is always like that, and never be split up...so it's a good idea to meet each other...father is need to be loved by their children..