He doesn't want me but won't let me go.?

Question

OK, I have been browsing this web-site for years. I've noticed a lot of the people out here seem to be quite young, I am 41 and so I am looking for some advice from the more mature set of browsers out there.

For the last two years I have been fighting a huge crush I have on one of my co-workers and best friends. We have talked about it a few times and he has told me that he just doesn't feel "a spark" I guess that's the attraction thing. However, whenever I try to move on, spend less time with him, etc. he seems to reach out to me more and more like he wants me to keep wanting him even though he doesn't feel the same way back. Also, I've been working on losing weight for the last four years and have lost over 100 lbs. I have 30 more to go. I sometimes wonder if he is waiting for me to become "an acceptable size" to pursue. I really love him although I try to move on and I see him at work so zero contact id hard. It hurts that he doesn't want me but why won't he let me go?

Answer 1

maybe he don't like you, but know you have a huge crush on him, and think it's just purely enjoyable to have someone like that by his side? Not because he loves you, just for the sake of that ego feeling? Maybe that explains why he just won't want to let go when he don't like you

But frankly, if he likes you, and is just waiting for you to slim down, I personally still find it an absurd reason for him to say the "no spark" thing, he should confess to you, and you two can work things out together, that should be the correct way to do things.

Give yourself somemore time to monitor the situation, if this still continues, you have to tell yourself this guy isn't worth to pay any more attention to, you have to let go and find someone else more worthy to love, to slim down for.

Answer 2

I know that im not as old as u.. not saying anything bad on that, but he knows u will still talk to him no matter what since u have been friends with him for so long.. I guess u can say i have the same problem, but in a different way i actually dated this guy for almost a year, but some how i still talk to him even though were not together. Its like i dont want to let go and same for u its like he cant let go and u wont be able to either.. I will never know the true meaning of it and cant really answer why... He tells u thier is no spark, but thier has to be other wise he wouldnt reach out for u like he does I dont think the wieght thing is a big issue.. Im gonna tell u if it is then u dont need him.. Size doesnt matter and it shouldnt.. U should sit down with him and honestly tell him how u feel and see what he says. U know he will open up to u if u go first.. oh and congrats on losing the weight!!!

Answer 3

I am 32 and I don't know if I have the answers for you but I can give you my perspective.

First I hope that you are wrong about him waiting for you to be an acceptable size because I think that is shallow.

Pehaps he is tossing the idea around of going into a deeper relationship with you, but is afraid if it doesn't work he will lose a good friend.

He may not want a deeper relationship with you but fears that he will lose a friend if you get involved with someone else so therefore he reaches out to you when you start to date people.

If the both of you have been in a sexual relationship together it could be that he is attached to you but yet is afraid of serious relationship, for whatever reason that may be.

Also the reaching out thing could stem from his lonelyness and again if you move on he may not have anybody else.

I know that you have this huge crush on him but he seems to be confused on what he wants. I think I would move on and find someone to date and "try" not to put much thought about your friend.

I had a simular situation where this guy wanted me, yet he didn't. He kept going back and fourth. If I was single he didn't want me and when I found someone to date then he would come forth and tell me how much he cares and wants me. I finally had to let him go and put him out of my mind. (easy said then done)

I heard through the grape vine that he regrets not giving me a true chance. I know that he may feel this way right now but I suspect it is only because he heard through the grape vine that I am seeing someone.

Good luck to you and don't let those rollor coaster emotions get the best of you.

Answer 4

He has told you that he doesn't really feel "a Spark", so in my opinion that is a polite way of saying he just doesn't have feelings for you, probably as a friend, and thats all. It's great that you have lost weight, you are too be congraulated on that, BUT..think about something...If he is waiting for you too become an "acceptable" size..and then he starts too take more interest in you,..would you really feel comfortable with that? I don't think you would, relationships aren't like that. If he only wants you for your looks It's not a relationship worth wasting your time on. You've spent 2 years having a crush on this guy, Let it go..move on with your life, and this time Don't let him stop you!! He doesn't want you but is afraid too really let you go, so please just move on. Tell him you have too do this for yourself. Tell him you two can remain friends if that's what he is scared of. Good luck..

Answer 5

Obviously you have some self esteem issues becasue of your weight. And that is normal in this thin society. However, you should love yourself for who you are. And I would stop giving this man so much control. You need to put a stop this once and for all, like last year. As long as you keep holding on to this fantasy of a realationship you are keeping space filled with dreams so the man who wlll love and appreciate you for who you are can not get a minute. Stop it! You need to give up on these ideas of maybe if i loose weight he will then want me. You need to love and respect yourself more, if he really was intrestred in you he would like you large or small. Beauty and character are from within. Beauty is skin deep and what do you have left ? The character you have given yourself. Stop giving him so much, put all of your energy into being the best you can be. He does not deserve you and if you did have a real realtionship with him, he will most probably only hurt your feelings. Stop this nonsense right now. You must love yourself and then God will send you someone who will love you with or without the weight. And Good for you for loosing 100 pounds that had to be a very difficult thing to accomplish. He sees the weakness in you and is playing on that. Move on and leave him in the dust. You are in love with the fanstasy of who you have made him. In reality what your guestion he is very self centered and should be alone. He is the kind of man who plays games and will probably do so the rest of his life. He is continuing to lead you on knowing how you feel about him and justifying it with the fact that he is telling you he does not want a relationship. Be good to yourself and leave the fantasy alone. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

I am guessing he is insecure or he loves drama. He does not want you but he don't want you to leave him in a dark corner either. Screw that drama and move on. One way or another you will have to. You are not getting any younger, for that matter neither am I ;P
Congratulations on losing weight ;)
Oh and if that is the problem with him he is very superficial and therefore is not capable of loving someone for who they are at this time. It can be gotten over but that is your choice on whether or not you can live with it. All else aside ask your self if he is worth it and don't take into account your perspective look at him from a friends point of view. If your answer is maybe or no then don't stick around and waste your time.

Answer 7

Grow up - you're not a teenager anymore. Either you both have that 'spark' or you don't. Don't keep thinking of the 'what ifs' - you'll drag this out forever and miss something even better. Distance yourself, from him, and keep it that way. If you can't let go, without feeling sorry for him, then perhaps you should find a job somewhere else. Someone has just got to sever this tie forever. I had to do this in the past and once I severed the tie - things became a whole lot better for us both.

Answer 8

As a weight watcher, let me start by congratulating you on your impressive weight loss. The problem you pose is a tricky one because this guy is a co-worker and will be hard to ignore. However, my advice is simple. You need to take charge, decide what you want and be uncompromising in your pursuit of your goal, much like you must have done in your weight loss.

For whatever reason, you and that guy (who I'll call Barney Fife and hope you get the relationship reference) are orbiting each other. The relationship is not healthy as it is currently constituted. I believe you should banish this guy to the friend zone and remain civil at work without allowing things to get too flirtatious. He sounds like he is both unable to commit to you and unable to move on, so you must do it for both of you. Focus your energy on finding someone to date who is not from work and not connected to Barney in any way. I met my wife on match.com. You might consider trying it.

When you put your new leaner, sexier body on the dating market and start getting some serious attention from men who desire you and want to pursue you for real, you will forget all about your feelings for Barney.

Answer 9

Congratulations on the weight lose, that’s wonderful! It’s a game, and sadly enough, he is playing it! He has already told you that there isn’t a spark, but of course he loves the attention that you give him! When you try and distant yourself, the attention he is receiving from you is no longer there, so then he grabs your attention and pulls you back in! It’s a never ending battle!!! If it is issues about your weight then forget about him, beauty is about what is inside and if he doesn’t realize that then he isnt worth it! He is better off your friend and you deserve better then that! It might be a game but you can take control of the situation!

Answer 10

I think for your own sanity and health, you need to eliminate this guy from your life. What he is doing is unhealthy.. he wont have you, but he wont let anyone else have you either. It isnt good for your self esteem and it is a extreme power trip on his behalf. He shouldnt have to wait for you to be an acceptable weight before making his move, he should want you for who you are NOW. Not who you could be.. after all, it is just your body, your personality wont change.

I think you need to show him that you are an independant woman of him and that you are capable of making your own decisions and can function without his precence in your life. If you do this, he might end up being more interested than he is now.

Dont let him ruin your life.. your only getting older.. Life life to the fullest and find a man who appreciates you, for you.