I have 4 children spaced way apart, the first one I bought his school clothes in about 7th grade-not a lot of money-I happen to get a lot of flannel shirts-not poplar at school-i know now--some kid come up to him one day, said I would hang out with u more if u had better clothes???? It has probably been 25 years but I feel like it is my fault and it is hard to deal with! The son brought it up.
My oldest daughter brought up about crayons in Kindergarten-=-
I got a small pack of 8 or 16---whatever the teacher ordered-the rest had the big box like 64--not on the list...........u know it hurts so bad-I am their mother---I never meant to hurt either of them! They r great kids!
2006-10-12 16:50:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Mental Health
What does a person do when feeling so guilty-to make ammends. I have given my grown son and daughter money when needed.Their first car-not new was paid for. I paid other expenses. It is not that we r rich, we were dirt poor during the crayon, flannel shirt thing---just wish I could do over even if it meant more laundry. I love my kids very much!
2006-10-12 16:54:59 · update #1
Forgive yourself, then the guilt will go away. You did what you had to do. Every kid gets teased about something, and that they are bringing it up now is their personal choice. It may be that they just need to let you know what the effect was on them and may not know how much it is hurting you again (cause it hurt you back then - right?)
Think back - was it crayons versus good food? Would you feel any better now if you had starved your daughter but got her crayons?
Again, forgive yourself, first. Find a book in the library on how to do it, if you don't have someone that can teach you. (I learned in assertiveness training class.)
If you are obsessing on it, check out OCDs, and low blood sugar, on the web. You may just need a pat on the back because it sounds like they grew up all right despite not having everything. They may be at the age where they are more into material things than understanding life is about good relationships and laughter, not toys.
I care, and hope you feel better about yourself, soon.
2006-10-12 17:09:19 · answer #1 · answered by Pegasus90 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that you have permanently injured your children. Sometimes people cannot afford to dress their children as well as they might like but at least you dressed them. You can always go to a second hand resale shop and find clothes that are still in style and in good shape. I highly doubt that your daughter will have bad memories over a box of crayons either. It is not that traumatic of a situation for you to think that you were a bad mom by not being able to give them the best. Relax the world doesn't revolve around a box of crayons so Mom give yourself a pat on the back you did the best that you could. Good Luck. Again there is absolutely no reason for you to feel badly about a situation that you had no control over. You did the best that you could do at the time, so sit back in a chair, get a good book and start relaxing you cannot change the past you can only make the future better for them.
2006-10-12 23:57:36 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This makes me want ot cry!!
You did absolutely nothing wrong and if anything it sounds like your kids consider your efforts as inadequate, b/c you feel like the efforts were inadequate. Tell your kids in a loving way, that you did what you knew best with the best that you had at that time. The should consider themselves lucky if they can claim the same when they're pparents themelves. Be unapologetic about it when you tell them this. They will realize how unimportant crayons and shirts are from that long ago. These material things don't matter. The person who would have hung out with your son, had he been better dressed, would have not been a very good friend to him. Explain, unapolegetically, and release yourself from the guilt and more importantly teach them a valuable life lesson that being grateful is more important than just about anything in the world.
One of my favorite quotes says: "you're rich, not when you have a lot, but when you need the least".
Pass it along. It will be your new legacy.
You sound like a GREAT mom.
2006-10-13 00:02:34 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You so do not need to feel guilty!! Let me relieve you of your guilt. Listen, you did the best you could for your kids, and it's SO typical of kids to bring these things up! I didn't have this or that, this is such normal behaviour. I'm sure they don't mean to hurt you. We didn't have much at all ourselves when our kids were small and there were things they went without.
You need to focus, (and so do they), on all that you did give them. Love for a start....now that's a big thing.
So they only had a small pack of crayons.....at least they got a pack of crayons!!
Actually, if that's all they have to worry about then it shows how well off they really were!!
So let the guilt go. Not having so much has probably made them into better people.
Good luck.
2006-10-13 13:09:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell them that there is not money for the best. You're not a bad mother for telling them the truth. That way they can learn about money and that you cannot just spend everything you have on what you want - not need. Food is more important than the chartruse and magenta crayons your daughter is missing. I had very well off parents, but they taught me the value of a dollar. You are the parent and in charge of YOUR money. You make the decisions about how it is spent. If you are giving them the basics - food, shelter, clothing and LOVE, then you are doing your job. Don't let them get caught up in the cycle of "I need it now".
2006-10-13 00:02:09 · answer #5 · answered by Joe S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey, if they know you didn't have much money and did the best by them that you could, they love you. I'm assuming they are older now and telling you this stuff. If so, it means that they just want to share more of themselves with you. That's good. It also means they don't feel they need to protect you, which also is good. That they didn't have every new gadget or even as much as many others is just a reality that they've experienced. Some of it might have hurt at times, but it's not a reflection on you. It's just the way it is and ALL kids have stuff that hurt when they were young. Be glad yours are now sharing, and appreciate the relationship you have with them.
PS - I had to buy my car and I certainly don't think less of my parents for it. They did the best they could, and believe me, it's not the lack of possessions but the lack of healthy love that's damaging.
2006-10-13 00:01:14 · answer #6 · answered by Alex62 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard being a parent and trying to provide for them when you don't have much. If you did the best that you could, then you have nothing to feel bad about. I'm sure if you could have done better you would have. Stop beating up yourself, what's done is done, you can't change it. Your children should now understand and appreciate you trying so hard, and they should thank you for getting them to the point that they are. Let go of the guilt and be happy, because you could have done a lot worse things to your children. Being there and loving them should have been enough.
2006-10-13 00:04:28 · answer #7 · answered by Queen Sis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes making amends is the worst thing you can do. While this may sound harsh I was the son in this scenario and as a result I developed a far more caring, humorous and durable personality than I might otherwise have done. It's tough now for you to see your kids like this but the beneifits when they're older will be worth it. You are helping to develop strong characters and overcompensation sometimes ruins people as I also know from the experience of my cousin who was left without a father. His mother over-compensated and now he's a complete ****.
2006-10-13 00:00:51 · answer #8 · answered by wilf69 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Growing up, my mom wasn't able to buy me nice clothes, or new shoes or anything that I felt all the other kids had. Because of that, I learned to appreciate everything that she could give me. Now that I have my own child, and luckily am doing okay financially gie her some of the things I walways wanted growing up. By no means do I hold a grudge against her, she did as best as she could. If your children loev you half as much as I love my mom, then you'll be okay. You've given them more than enough jut by being there for them.
2006-10-13 15:46:24 · answer #9 · answered by chelly01 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your children about it. Find out what they think. It sounds like you love and provided for your children the best you could at the time. If these things are bothering your children now, ask what you can do to make amends. We can give you all kinds of advise, but it is not us you are trying to please. Only your children would be able to tell you how you can fix it. Did your children bring these things up to make you feel guilty or were they just reminising about the past and you felt guilty that you weren't able to provide more. I know that when I was visiting my family recently my sisters and I were reminising with my mother sitting with us (we are all in our 40's), we certainly were not trying to make our mother feel badly in any way.We were just talking.
I think I will send my mother a card now. She may also feel guilty. I think most parents want the best for their children and later feel guilty for something. Which is a very good sign of a very good parent. My parents gave us everything they could with what they had. I love them very much. I am sure your children feel the same about you.
Thank you for your question. It has really got me thinking good things about my parents.
2006-10-13 00:26:09 · answer #10 · answered by apes 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋