Has anyone else never forgiven a parent for something they did when you were a teen/child?

Question

I'm not talking about abuse, but things like reading your diary, breaking you up with a boyfriend, never letting you sleep over friends houses etc? I treat my mom terribly due to things she did 15, 20 years ago that I have just never forgiven. Did she really think I would just "grow up" and forget?

Um, ok I guess you didn't understand the question. I was giving examples. I don't really feel like posting what I am still upset about. Telling someone to "grow up" who is still upset about something 20 years later. Wow, I suddenly feel so much better! Um, not really. I was actually looking for help you dipshit.

I'll clarify a little more, my mother was not strict. As a matter of fact I was never punished or yelled at a day in my life. In most people's opinions she is mentally ill. But it still hurts when someone who didn't notice a child not coming home for weeks, would then rumage through thier things and follow thier boyfriends family in a disguise. Burning my journals snearing at me that she wanted to go to church instead of spend time with us...these things I am over. The things I hold on to are the little ones.

Answer 1

Ummm...I am very sorry, but if you're not talking about abuse, meaning that never happened, but yet the other things did...OMG honey, that is TRIVIAL and you DO need to grow up and forget about it!!!

There is no reason to not forgive your mother for caring enough about you to protect you from things...sure, it might've been overprotective, but you know what, at least you had a mother that cared.

Answer 2

I think alot of mothers do things like this. They may not know that it really hurts, but here's what you should do, just try to be mature enough to let go. Accept that that was her way of raising her kids and learn from her mistakes. Don't hold it against her, you are an adult now and those things shouldn't be a problem to you. If you are holding a grudge maybe you should find a good counselor/therapist to help you out. My mom did alot to make me feel bad but, when I think about it, I shouldn't have written down certain things in my diary, been with certain guys etc. I'm glad she was on my back about certain guys and deprived me from even talking to them on the phone, they were and still are losers til this day. Focus on the good she did for you.

Answer 3

Jess

My mother thought the same thing she thought that as i grew up i would forgive and forget but i never have either. It started that why as you discribed to later her hitting me and threating me and telling me that i was the mistake in the family that the only reason she had me was because my dad wanted me.
It did end up in abuse and within that it was sad to end up that i have taken her out of my life. i am now 7 weeks pregnant with my first child. It will be sad that she wont be in our lives but that was a decision i made purely on the fact that i cant place my child in harms way with a person that abuses her body with alochol.

She still thinks that after everything she has done i can forgive her but the truth is i cant. She has been informed that she wont be part of my families life or mine.

If you only had something small like you discribed then let it be the past its not worth loosing someone that you need later in life.

Answer 4

Your Mum did what she did becos she cares and is concern about you and your future. She wants the best for her daughter and she tries very hard to prevent your life going bad and unhappy. Your Mum can't bear the thought of you having a problematic life. Like getting into drugs, have some boy make you unhappy and having children when you aren't ready. These are consequences that will change your future if it were to happen.

I have a 2 yr daughter and I want the best for her and can't bear the thought that some boy is going to hurt her or get into the wrong crowd. I want my daughter to be happy in her life and be respected by everyone. My Mum too had rules when I was a teen and I didn't like them. But I understand why she did those things.

I cherish my daughter every waking moment. I've lost a child and that is something I don't wish for any Mum and Dad to go through. I look at my own Mum now and I treasure her. I don't want her or my Dad to pass away not knowing that I appreciated what they did for me and continues to do so. Their love is unconditional and my love for my daughter is also unconditional.

I hope you'll find it deep in you the understanding of what unconditional love is.

Response to Additional comments:-
Whatever your Mums reasons were, nobody can make right the past. You can't change your Mum's ways even now. If she has not given you an explaination or apologized, you can change your attitude towards the other things you can't forget and forgive. The question you should ask yourself is do you want to feel disappointed and angry for the rest of your life and forever be under her mental control?

The fact that you are writing in here sound like you want some kind of peace within yourself. I hope you find it.

Answer 5

It sounds to me like you and your mother have some issues. It is okay to still feel mad at her, but forgiving her is for your sake, not for hers. Forgive her for your own health, so that you can move on and be happy. Try writing to her. Write down all the things you've always wanted to say but didn't. Cuss at her and scream at her in writing and just let it all out. That's what I do whenever I'm mad at someone. Afterwards, read over what you wrote and cross out the things you didn't mean. After you've processed your feelings that way, talk to your mom (DON'T give her the letter). You will have gotten out all the angry, potentially relationship-killing stuff on paper and will be more clear-headed to talk to her for real. Tell her that you're sorry your relationship didn't work out better than it did when you were a child, but you want to have a good relationship with her as an adult. Tell her that you've forgiven her for x y and z (even if it's not true) and appologize for anything you might have done, even if you don't think she deserves an apology. If you want to salvage your relationship it is your responsibility.

Answer 6

Maybe your mom did have some type of mental illness. You're not giving much detail as to what you are not forgiving. Are you happy still being angry with her?? Because as an adult it isn't so much how she is feeling, but how are you living your life. If you have unhappiness maybe you could give her forgiveness to help yourself. It just depends on your situation. If you can't say to her I forgive you then maybe you could forgive her to GOD. He is always there. I hope that you are able to let the ill thought go and move on with your life. Remember mental illness is a disease. Would you be angry if she had a heart attack or cancer?? I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Answer 7

Ha... my mom use to drag me around the house by my hair... at 12yo I was doing all the house work and the laundry... and my mom was a stay at home mom... my dad wasn't aware of the abuse till after she died... about a year before she died she tried to apologize... I refused to let her... today even though the things I went through were tough... I wish I had accepted her apology... forgiveness is a gift you give youself... you may never forget... but if you can just put the past behind... you said your mom was mentally ill... then she can be held totally accountable... I don't mean it excuse her behavoir... my mom was a lazy control freak... I don't know but when I read your "story" I thought about my mom...

Answer 8

I am 33. I always think what they did to me for a reason I am treathment until now. Try : Remember the good things, our parents made mistakes and also we will make the same things that hurt in the past or worst. We are
human being, when we are young everthing became big in our hearts.
Pray for God and sing nice songs.

Answer 9

It sounds like your mom was controlling. I'm sure you aren't telling us all.
There are other forms of abuse besides physical abuse.
She could have verbally or emotionally abused you. Or neglected you in some way.
I'm definitely sensing some emotional abuse here.
No wonder you are angry.
However, you need to let it go. I don't mean you need to be her friend if you don't want to, I just mean you need to not let it bother you so much.
I suffered severe emotional and verbal abuse and neglect and I've been in therapy for years and am finally coming to terms with myself and my parents.
I spent a long time (nearly a year) without speaking to them while I was in the throes of this.

BTW: She probably did think you would just "forget." She has!

Please see a therapist. It's helped me so much!

After reading your additional comments, I see that I was right. Your mother did abuse you emotionally and neglected you (which is also abuse).
It's normal to be mad, but since she is mentally ill, she's not going to change. You have to find a therapist to work on yourself so that you aren't lugging around all that baggage.

Wishing you well.

Answer 10

Forgiveness is for you, not her. It is to help you move on, not her. Someday she will be gone, and this bitter resentment will have kept you from finding real peace.

Many of us had less-than-perfect parents. But it needs to be understood that they were just trying to do what they thought was best AT THE TIME. Did they make mistakes? Absolutely. But they are only human, and their lives and childhoods were much bleaker than ours.

It is a humbling thing to forgive, but it really is very rewarding. Take the time to work on it for yourself. You will thank yourself later.

Answer 11

yep, my sisters and I have many things we will never forgive her for. I even moved out at 16 just to get away. The thing I know for sure I will never forgive is her trying to put me away in a hospital. She thought I was crazy because I was too shy and never wanted to talk to anyone. It wouldn't be so bad but she did the same thing to my sisters but used different excuses. That was her way of trying to get rid of us when we turned into teenagers.