I have to tell my son that is adopted. how young is too young and how old is too old? and what do i say?

Answer 1

Well i think it really depends on the maturity level of the child involved, i think 12-16 is around the perfect age to tell a child he/she is adopted. My cousin was adopted by my aunt. My cousins father was to immature to take care of a child, so his sister adopted her. My aunt told her when she was around 13 years old i believe. My other aunt adopted a boy from a agency and didnt tell him untill he was around 16-17 years old... very immature and didnt handle the news very well... i dunno i would take a look at his maturity level, and see if that makes a difference. Personally i think 10-12 is too young and 16-17 is to old, some where in between is a good age... use your best judgement!!!
Hope i helped!!
~CHEERS!!~

Answer 2

My son is adopted.

When he was about five and asking about babies I added the simple fact that sometimes when ladies have babies they bring them home. Sometimes if a lady knows she isn't able to be the kind of mother a baby needs for some reason she asks another mother to be her baby's mother. He knew the basics that a baby starts from a little egg and grows in a (my word then) "special pouch" (just to make sure he knew it wasn't where the food goes but because I didn't like the word, "uterus", for a little boy that small) and that the lady goes to the hospital, has the baby, and usually bring it home - but sometimes is not able to.

I told him when that happen the lady who had the baby asks a social worker to bring the baby to the mother who will be his mother. That's when I nonchalently told him, "Another lady had you and couldn't take care of you right, so I became your mother."

When he was about seven, and it seemed as if the issue may have come up with his friends I said, "Whether or not I had you or someone else did is between you and me. It isn't a big deal for us, so it shouldn't be something other people need to be thinking about. Its not a secret, but if it doesn't matter to us it shouldn't matter to anyone else."

My son grew up knowing that, so as he grew if he had any questions that I could answer I would. Although I knew the facts of his beginnings I pretended I didn't until he grew up and asked. I didn't want him having his mind-boggled before he was grown up. Even then, learning the facts threw him a little for a loop.

My belief has always been that children have one mother/one father. I wanted the emphasis on that and not much emphasis on his biological beginnings until he was good and grown up.

He should grow up just kind of knowing the basics. There won't be any big shock later.

I have two biological children (I had the advantage of not adopting because of any problems with reproduction, so there has never been the thing about "but if you could have had children..."). I have been honest in my telling my son that it didn't make a difference whether I had him or not. I've been able to back that up with my experience of also having given birth to his siblings.

I've done a lot of studying up on how much nurture influences babies. Science now knows that it is the mother's influence during the few years of a child's life that builds brain connections and contributes to a child's brain development. I've always told my son that "the other lady" gave him his hair color and eye color, but he is who he is because he has been my son since infancy.

Not that you asked for this, but I can't resist offering it: My son is grown now, and do you know that song, "I'm everything I am because you love me" (Celine Dionne)? As the mother of an adopted and grown son, I pretty much have to hope that my local grocery store doesn't play that one while I shop because it makes me a basket case almost every time I hear it. Still - listen to the words of it. Some day it will mean so much to you.

Answer 3

No age is too young, and no matter how old he is now is the time. You should be very open about his adoption...It is not a bad thing, it is a very good thing and something that he should be very proud of. After all you chose to love him for the rest of his life. Explain to him that you may not have had him in your tummy, but you certainly have him in your heart. Be as open as possible, answer all his questions honestly and I'm sure he will be as happy to have you as his mommy as you are to have him as your son. Children need honesty...the rest will work itself out.

Answer 4

i was adopted and when i found out i stopped tlkin to my "parents" and left to my cousins house this happened wen i was 15 until one day i realized that they were always by my side and its not about who had u but who raised u n gave u everything u needed in life so i went back to them but it was kinda too late it took me 5 yrs to realize this n for 5 yrs i missed from their lives now im 21...so plzz seriously this is not a question some one can really ans here..juss take ur time get closer to ur son..and try to tlk to him about what if things were like that..take it easy n all..cuz it can really traumatized him and make him not feel the same way about u..so u have to think about how mature n close u r too him..this is delicate so do it at the right moment..cuz wen i found out a big part of me died ..dont do that to your son n just b carefull with the words u use to tell him this...hope u do good.!

Answer 5

I advocate being honest from the get-go. When a child starts asking questions like "Where did I come from" then give him the straight answer. You know your son, so you'll know how best to word things for him to understand. Always emphasize how special he is and how you wanted (and want!) him so much. I would never bad-mouth his biological mother. That might go astray later. I guess overall, honesty is the best policy.

Answer 6

3-8 to young 13-20 to old I would tell him at about ten. He will probally be sad a couple weeks , but i bet later on he'll come hug you and thank you for a great life and home.

Answer 7

start at 2 . tell him how special he is as he was chosen and how much you wanted him. There are story books about kids that are adopted that you can read with him and as he gets older explain a bit more and answer any questions. If you start at this age it is a part of his life, not something he learns later on and has to deal with

Answer 8

my adoptive parents had a biological son 8 years older than me. I was always told-by my adopted mother- that I was "chosen"
here is an adoption forum that might be helpful.
http://forums.adoption.com/

Answer 9

I would say just have it as a known fact around your house from the get-go. Celebrate his Adoption Day as well as his birthday, and on his Adoption Day, tell him all about how you got lucky and chose the best kid in the world or something.

That's what I would do.

Answer 10

Tell his as early as you believe he can understand words and bring it up from time to time througout the years, as a natural and special thing, not something to be hidden. You can read all the ways to break it to an older child but beginning young, you won't have to explain why you hid that fact from him/her.