Willful or ADD or ADHD and what is the difference?

Question

I have a stubborn child. She is hyper like crazy most of the time. Sometimes to the point that I can't even communicate with her. But, then at school she is quiet as a mouse. The teacher says she barely says a word. It's not that way at home though!!! She is to put it lightly 'obnoxious'. She screams high pitch screams. Makes huge messes that she absolutely refuses to clean up. Mornings are the worst. I have to choose her clothes the night before and ok it with her or the next morning will be absolute chaos. What can I do?

I am in a sense 'allowing' the behavior. My ex husband makes my life hell. If I spank her, she tells dad, and then dad calls DHS. My daughter knows this, so she uses it against me. She knows that she doesn't have to listen, because what am I going to do? I can't bust her butt, like some say. I can't make her stay in her room or time out because it's a huge struggle. I've even tried rewarding the good behavior with allowance. That got old to her. I'm at a loss.

and there is constant bickering and screaming and fighting with her sister. I'm exhausted :(

Answer 1

And it's never occurred to you that you're letting her get away with it?

Do you play with her? Or are you just sitting her down in front of the TV? You have to make things interactive... ALL THE TIME. Odds are she's exceptionally intelligent and just gets bored really easily. In many cases, ADD and ADHD are just a diagnostic excuse to medicate to cure bad parenting. The kid doesn't need medicine. She behaves in school, when her mind is occupied. Do the same thing at home.

I'm not saying this is you, but for all the other parents out there...

You don't just shove a kid in the corner and tell them to be quiet. You work, you're tired. But kids don't understand that. You have to keep them busy all the time, especially the smart ones.

She obviously thinks she can get away with it, and she is getting away with it with you, so make it stop. You're the grown-up. Outwit her.

Answer 2

The first thing you need to do is accept the fact she is not ADD,or ADHD if she was she would not be able to control herself at school all day. (sorry) she has learned how to push all your buttons. You need to set some limits with her before it is to late. I would start by choosing 3 outfits 1 night and tell her to pick 2, she wears one 1 day, 1 the next, you get 1 night off there and she has a say.The screaming needs to be outside or in her room. And make her pick up one mess before starting something else. Or take the item away for a while (like a week) . The most important thing is whenever she does something positive make a big deal out of it, praise her, put up a poster and get star stickers. Be consistent she will come around.

Answer 3

I agree with most of the previous answers as well. My son has ADHD and definitely can NOT turn it on & off. He has a tendency to "let loose" at home, but we just have to be consistent with him, which can be hard.

One thing you didn't mention is how old your daughter is & how long this has been going on. Unfortunately, she is definitely aware that she is able to play her dad against you. She obviously knows that he will use whatever she says to get back at you. (My husband's ex-wife is similar.) As long as he continues to give her the power, she will probably continue using him as a weapon.

She probably functions well at school because of the very defined rules. You said that her teacher says she is quiet & well-behaved. Have you mentioned to him/her that she is the polar opposite at home? Maybe the teacher can give you some insight on what kinds of rules/motivators they use in school & you can use a similar system at home. (I'm trying this & it seems to help all of my kids.) That would make her day consistent from start to finish. If she starts improving at home, you could motivate her by allowing her to participate in an extra-curricular activity that she is interested in.

Good luck - I hope you've gotten some information from all of these answers that will help you in some way. I understand how frustrating it can be to live in chaos!

Answer 4

I read an article similar to this in PARENT magazine yesterday and the opinion of the writer was that some children know they are to behave well in school. It can be hard for a kid to stay "on" much longer past that, so when they get home and they are in their comfort zone again they let loose. The article also said if you're trying to get your child to do something (homework, chore, whatever) give them some wind down time first. Also my son does have Adhd and although he loses control both at home and school, its much worse at home.

Answer 5

It seems to me if she can behave in school she is capable of sitting and being quiet, so I wouldn't think its ADHD (of course, who am I....).

I wonder, though, if its ADD and if she's so quiet and well behaved in school she needs to let off some steam at home?

I wonder, too, if you're expecting to much of her. Kids make huge messes and then get "too tired" to clean them up. Depending on how old she is, its normal that she wants to decide what to wear; but I think if it were my kid I'd get that established the night before with her input; and then all should be taken care of by morning.

With regard to the messes, is there some way you can stop making some of the stuff she's making messes with available to her? I'd just tell her as long as she won't clean up she can't have whatever it is to make giant messes.

You could try telling her with calm authority, "Look. We're not having screaming any longer because people are going to think y ou're a little crazy person; and I'm going to have to take you to a doctor if you keep it up." Stay calm. Allow for some slip-ups in the beginning, but then if she starts to scream lead her to her room and tell her to stay there until she knocks off the screaming.
(Watch Super-Nanny or read her books. I don't agree with everything she does, but she's pretty effective with out-of-control kids.)

Some day in a calm conversation just tell her how when it comes to our homes its important not to be screaming and yelling and being disrespectful because it is the people at home who care the most about us. Tell her how there is a lot of yelling and noise and violence and meanness outside, and how it is important that she work with you to make sure you have peace in the house.

If calmly having some conversations with her just doesn't work then give her fair warning that because it isn't working you are going to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist because you believe she is very unhappy at home and want to know why.

Finally, if you've been yelling stop. Yelling makes other people yell louder. It sets an example for someone's version of "communicating". It makes parents look out-of-control, and an out-of-control parent doesn't get respect. You may also want to try changing some of your routine or taking her out to a couple of different places to "break up" the existing pattern you have going. Tell her you'll take her out for danish and juice at some nice little place, but you need to know she'll be polite and act like a normal individual out. When you go out just enjoy her. Talk about things and listen to what she says. The more nice time you have together the more of a habit it will become, and the more she'll start to see you in a different light.

I know this sounds like rewarding bad behavior, but if you make the effort to change the dynamics of things and break up the nasty quagmire you're in now; it will be worth it in the long run. If you were able to change what's going on now, you'll then be able to return to being in charge in a more normal way.

Answer 6

It sounds like you may be dealing with a bit of both ADHD and power play. ADD by definition is Attention Deficit Disorder. Basically it means that a child has a major problem concentrating, paying attention,and staying on task. ADHD by definition is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It combines hyperactivity to the symtoms of ADD. The situation with dad is of course not good and comes with it's own set of problems, but may not be the real reason for all the problems at home. The school can test her for ADD/ADHD/LD at your request or her PCP can refer you somewhere to have testing done. I have ADHD children. Contact me at above email for more info if you want.

Answer 7

That sounds more willful than ADHD.... ADHD cannot be "turned on and off".. where the child behaves in one place and not in another.. Most kids with ADHD cannot sit still even when doing something they enjoy. What can you do?? Be very consistent. Make sure that the child understands the punishment for any given offence (time outs- short for minor offences longer for worse offences) and be consistent about the punishment. Letting her get away with this behaviour sometimes and punishing her other times teaches her nothing. I became more consistent with my ADHD son and my life has been easier since.

Answer 8

I'm truly sorry you're going through this. It sounds to me as if she's getting too much attention. She's quiet at school....so she knows how to behave in proper environments. She's acting out at home because she knows she can. My advice is...FIRST...don't reward the "good' behavior with money....give her priveledges....such as an extra 15-30 minutes of tv time per week....and if she misbehaves, start deducting tv time from the your normal weekly time. BTW...what is DHS...
Why aren't you on the same page as your husband with dicipline??? I wish you luck....
Please don't assume you're daughter has either ADD or ADHD.

Answer 9

your daughter doesnt have either ask a doctor she is useing you because she can you and her dad need to talk about this if possible and set some ground rules for her or she will keep running over you she is running back and forth for attention i know i did the same when my parents split know that i am older i regret it you need to set her down and tell her that you and your husband had your differences and it was best for her and everybody else that you seperated i dont know why you split but after my parents explained to me why i felt better and things got better i know this is not what you want to hear but if her dad keeps calling the dhs on you let him try to handle her and then maybe hell see something needs to be done

Answer 10

Hi there, spanking is not necessary. If this is a daily occurance (and it sounds like it is) do this. Sounds like she's young since you have to choose her clothes for school. (It's so nice being in Australia where our children have to wear a uniform). Next time she is at school, strip her bedroom of all her toys and nice things and put them into storage. All she needs is a bed/bedding/clothes. She will need to earn them back one by one with continual good behaviour. You can also take away privellages and enjoyment activities (ie going to parties, watching TV,food treats,favourite dress etc). It sounds tough and it is hard to pack up her room but if you leave it till she's older she will be uncontrollable. She has to be broken out of this habit she has fallen into.