Bf's daughter sometimes calls me "mommy" or "lets pretend you"re my mommy"...?

Question

I don't really know how to respond to that...I don't encourage it, I don't discourage it. I'll either ignore it or try to redirect her to "let's pretend we are princesses...." Her mother is not in the picture, only a couple of visits in a couple of years, doesn't call, write, etc. Would there be a better response?

Her situation is sad and I have spent more time with her than her mother has. I do have some maternal instincts toward her, but even though her mother isn't around, she does have one and she KNOWS she has one. The bf doesn't call her out either when she says it,and when we're out together and someone refers to us as "mommy and daddy" we just let it slide. (why explain it to a stranger?)
This is just the beginning, as she gets older, we know the questions will begin. It's a fine line to walk, he doesn't deny the mother visitation but she only pops up every couple of years. It will only get more confusing for the child.

Answer 1

Sounds like the child needs that connection right now. I don't know how old she is or how serious you and her Father are, but at this time that is what is on the child's mind. If you and her Father are seriously considering a permanent life together, then I don't see anything wrong with her calling you mommy. However, it would be disastrous for her if you ever took that security away from her. What should be the uppermost concern for both you and her Father is the child's security and peace of mind. God bless you all

Answer 2

Have you been with this guy for several years, like to the point where you figure you will be together for the rest of your lives? Because if you are considering marrage it is great for her to think of you as her mom. As she gets older she is going to need a "mother figure". If you know you will be around, and her mother will not. Then i don't see a problem with her calling you mom, even regually. Alot of kids call their stepmothers mom.

If you personally (or anyone else internally involved) are uncomfortable with her refuring to you as her mom, then when she says "let's pretend you are my mommy" just go along with is as a game. Sometimes you can be the mommy, but other times tell her to pretend that she is the mommy, or you are sisters, or maybe even neighbors. Mix it up a little so that it is just a simple game of house.

Answer 3

I think that this is something that you and your bf need to talk about.. But first before doing so you need to reach inside your self and figure out what type of relationship that you want with this child. If you feel love for her the kind of love that would make you stop at nothing to make sure she is happy and provided for than you are her mom regardless of weather you delivered her. And you should want to stay in her life if you and your bf break up. When it comes to children and new partners the both of you need to be upfront and honest about what role you intend to play in this childs life.
I feel so sorry for this child. All she wants is a mothers love and if you can give it to her dear please do. But if you feel in your heart that you can't then its best to end this relationship for the childs sake.

Answer 4

I don't think you should have her call you "mommy." If you and your boyfriend were to break up and she was calling you "mommy" it would break her heart. When she calls you "mommy," I would just explain to her how much you care for her, that you wish you were her mommy, but her mommy is (tell her where). Tell her to call you by your name or come up with a "pet" name she can call you instead.

I think it's fine if you play pretend games where you pretend she is you child and that you are her mommy. But make sue you empathize that you are pretending. Best of luck to you and I hope you remain in this child's life!

Answer 5

I'd discuss it with your bf....
if you've been dating for a long time then i don't see the harm in her calling you mommy. You don't say how old she is but if she's in school..even preschool she may be trying to "fit" in with the other kids by having a mommy. if you dont want her to call you mommy then gently tell her no i'm not your mommy when she calls you it. or maybe even call you mommy ____ insert your name here type thing.

Answer 6

well ignoring it or redirecting it isnt going to solve any problems, you have to get the child to call you by your name, its your boyfriends responsibility to. the next time she calls you mommy your boyfriend should explain to her that you can't be her mommy etc. of course all this depends on how old the child is. she's obviously old enough to know that you aren't her mother tell her that your sorry but you can't be her mother but that you love her and you can be friends etc.

Answer 7

Gee, thats kind of sad.

Do you have any maternal feelings for her? Sounds like she's desperate for a mother figure. If you don't, then do you know of some lonely, nice woman around your age who might "just happen" to be there next time she is around? Maybe some friend of yours would love to have a 'daughter.'

Answer 8

You need to sit down with your boyfriend and see how he feels with that. I married a woman that had a child and my rule was no one was to encourage her to call me daddy (similar situation - daddy not around and she did not know her daddy). She started calling me daddy on her own. Now that I am divorced, I would not want my kids calling anyone I date "mommy" and vice versa. I would not want them calling her boyfriend daddy. So, again, see how he feels about it and how you should handle it.

Answer 9

You could say that you wish you were her mother cause you wish you had a little girl just like her. But it sounds like she is getting attached to you perhaps you should make sure this relationship is something solid first so she suffers no hardship if you guys break up.

Answer 10

This child is reaching out to you because she feels close to you. Since her mother basically abandoned her, she's probably really confused. Have you asked your BF how to handle it?
I feel bad for her.