I posted a question earlier, about my daughter, going off with a man in his 30`s, she is 18?

Question

She has only dated him 3 months, and was gonna give up her job, everything to go 150 miles away to live with him. I was so worried, although we have met him, we don`t know him that well. Whilst i was reading your answers, most supportive, she came in, and told me, she has changed her mind, she loves me (her mum) too much, and does not want to leave her family. Although, i am so releived, i love her so much, she is the best daughter ever, this guy is pressuring her to go, but i don`t want to get too involved, it is hard for her. Do I just keep cool, and trust her decision, she promised me, she will not go, but i do not like the way he is "on" at her to change her mind. I know now, she does not want to go. If, and when, do i step in, do not forget, he is 35, she is 18, she went to bed confused, her cellphone bleeping constantly, from him, trying to change her mind. When does a parent have the right to "interfere", when your child is being influenced?

dosent c, thanx, i have done this, beleive me, i have talked to her about all the pro`s and cons, i have advised her, carefully, on every issue, i love her, i will do anything to protect her, when she says, she dosen`t want to talk about it, i respect that. I will not pressure her, or lecture her, in any way. He is though. Makes me angry. And for you lot with your sarcasm, why not just ignore the question please, you are boring, not clever, sheer, boring!!!!

I am no wallflower, beleive me, i will punch his ******* lights out, if he does not let up. I need some serious advice here, i wanna go off on one with him, big time, but need to restrain myself, for her sake, if not mine!!

Answer 1

Although she is 18 and feels like an adult the truth is all children no matter what age feel its ok to get advice especially when it comes from the heart.I understand your concerns and belive m e they are just. He is 17 years her senior and even though she is 18 she is still a child especially when we compare ourselves at that age we were so naive. I am sure she feels like she is an adult she can make her own mind but she obviously is still a child if she feels confused or not sure. To me it sounds like an older man taking advantage of a young woman no matter how smart she is or how responsible she is at her age she is still very inexperienced in life shes only 18 . A person her age is easily influenced especially with men she probably feels like he must love her and he must feel that she will never find any one who loves her that much but in all reality they only know eachother for a short while and how much do u really get to know someone in three months? She is obviosly realizing that it is not a good idea to leave her family for someone she barely knows but she still might get influenced by him. I think you should tell her how proud you are of her for making such an important decision on her own and for making the right choice. Tell her you belive she made the right choice because she must do for her and not for him right now. tell her you are prooud that she is deciding to choose her life not his. Tell her its the best thing for her, maybe it will help her stay strong with her decision and not because her parents told her dont go but because she decided on her own and they are proud of her.

Answer 2

Though I've not read all of the earlier answers, I disagree with those who state 'you have a right to interfere.'

Legally, unless you can substantiate that she has a mental disability and in need of your 'guidance + control,' you have no 'Right' ~ beyond anything that she might grant you herself (and even then, she is free to change her mind).

Someone (earlier) stated to the effect, 'if he loves her that much,' BUT the point is that we, you, she do not 'Know that HIS feelings are about 'Love' itself.

It could be said that, 'if he Loves her, then he will respect her feelings, and as her parents, respect yours also' - and 'take all of these into consideration.'

Try not to be coercive, just be supportive of her - as best you can. And if there comes a time when you cannot say or do the 'Right thing' for her, then say and do as little as possible, allowing her to make up her own mind.

I can't appreciate how difficult this must be for you, but I can imagine some of it.

I wish you the Best of luck with this.
Sash.

Answer 3

the only way to involve yourself in helping her make a decison to stick to is get her to way the pros and cons of taking up with this guy ,im sure the questions you can implament will sway her to stay and dump this guy for ever .
1 why at 35 does he want an 18 year old on his arm his ego or true love
2 what age will he be when her first child reaches 16
3what if any health problems does he have that will affect her quality of life in future years with him
4does she trust him enough never to stray agin for a newer model of her
5 financially can he really support her
really you must have her serch her soul and heart for some realistic answers and draw up two lists and face facts about how well she knows this guy and how much trust she has in him
for peace of mind tell her to turn off the phone while she serches her heart she obviousley trusts you enough to be able to talk ti through with you so gentley intorduce the list idea to her as if its her idea .but all women know the saing love it blind and it makes you blind to real facts .

Answer 4

Gees, I'm sure sorry to hear about this problem. I can't give you any advice because I have no experience in this area and only know one person with a similar situation. She basically told her daughter that she is 18 and can do what she wants but some things really really drive her crazy, as far as holding back so to speak as you are with this man. I just wanted to say sorry and good luck. I'm curious as to how it will work out. (I don't like being even 45 minutes away from my mother.)

Answer 5

OH,!!
Well you are great for not going off about this already, it could backfire & she run off!
I guess you could say to her you will always be there for her whatever she decides. Admit that you're not too happy to see her so worried by this and ask if there is anything you can do to help?
Ask about what she wants in her future: How does she think she'd like things to be?
(Does she want to get married & have children one day?If this guy is 30 already, he's already had a shot at life: does he have any ex wives/kids out there?What is the draw in this place 150 miles away? Does he have a job there? Is he asking her to marry him? )
Obviously I'm not keen on him, stick to the "open" questions about how she'd like her life to go, and try to let her see she can get those things anyway she likes: he is not the only chance she will get in life!!!
Best luck to you both
M

Answer 6

Hi
Firstly, I think you are 100% right to want to support and protect your daughter. That is one of the most important "duties" of a parent.

To answer your question, nopt easy, but have you tried to tell this guy bluntly to leave your daughter alone? Is her father available? Sometimes a man can be more persuasive?
If he is really pestering her (I'm assuming you are in England?) you can always call the police and complain of personal harassment, but that is maybe going a bit far.

she can always get a new cell phone, with a new number

Good luck to both of you

Answer 7

The essence of being an adult is accepting the responsibility of making your own choices, and the consequences that flow from them. As an adult, your daughter has the responsibility of making this choice. And she must accept the responsibility for the consequences that will flow from that choice. The problem is, at 18, she doesn't have the wisdom to make the best choices. If we learn from our mistakes (and successes), then we are able to make better choices. It's part of growing up (some never learn, never accept responsibility, and never grow up). For parents, it is so hard for us to let our children make mistakes, knowing the pain they will cause. Understand, however, that SHE MUST LEARN, or be forever a child.

You no longer have the "right" to make her choices for her. But as her parents, you will always have the right to give her the benefit of your wisdom. I believe it is not only your right, but your duty. She must learn, but she need not learn only from her own mistakes and successes. She can also learn from yours. Share with her your experiences, your perceptions, your wisdom. Don't coerce her into making your choice. Lead her into making her own choice the right one. At 18, her perceptions are skewed. Help her to see clearly. Help her to understand the consequences of her choice: the benefits and the losses.

At 18, she is vulnerable to manipulation. Until she has a lot of successes in her life, she will not have strong self-esteem (true self esteem comes only from personal success). Without that, she will be susceptible to the acceptance and criticism of others. This older man is offering her acceptance as a woman... that's a very powerful attraction for her. He may be lying; maybe not. Either way, she thinks he sees her as a woman... as an equal. He's also offering her criticism for staying with you (that she's still a child if she does, that she's letting you decide for her, etc.). That's a very powerful detractor. Without some balancing influence, he will win. No 18-year old has the wisdom, the insight, the perception and the inner strength to resist that kind of manipulation alone. Don't kid yourself, he is manipulating her. So, manipulate right back. That doesn't bring you down to his level. Your motives are different than his. He's seeking his own best interests. You're seeking hers.

Use the same weapons; just use them in different ways. He's offering her acceptance as a woman; as an adult. Offer her the same thing. Tell her you see her as an adult, and that this choice is hers to make. Tell her you respect her judgement, and accept her right to choose. But, as someone who loves her, you want her to understand what that choice means. What she will gain, and what she will lose, by her choice. He's offering her criticism. Offer her the same thing. Tell her she's allowing herself to be manipulated by this guy. If he respected her as a woman, if he trusted her judgement as an adult, why would he be pushing her so hard? Why would he be calling when he knows she doesn't want to talk? Why won't HE respect her right to make her own choices? Tell her she's stronger than that. That is is worth more than being under someone else's control. Explain to her what life would be like being utterly dependent on some man (any man).

You get the idea.

Answer 8

Tricky one this but just tell her that you are proud that she has been so mature about this decision. Let her think that she has made the decision all on her own for the right reasons. Does she have a brother about 6 feet tall and 6 feet wide who could have a gently word in this guy's ear?? Just a thought.....

Answer 9

That must be really scary.

I will be 18 on November 29th but I am still in school. I would not dream of dating a 30 year old. I think that is gross. I would not even date anyone over 24, I guess.

I hope he is nice to her.

Answer 10

I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean when you ask when you have a "right" to interfere. She's 18 and she's living in your house. If she's about to do something dangerous, then it's not only your right, but your responsibility, to step in and keep her from doing it.

If she were 40, I could see your wondering whether you should intervene. In this case, in my opinion, it's pretty clear. Yes, you should. If she changes her mind back, I mean.