Ideas needed to punish a child.....?

Question

My cousins 13 year old step son is failing 65% of his classes because he admits to being lazy and not turning in his homework. He also doesn't take a pencil or book to class. He has the potential to get all A's. And currently he is getting A's in Social Studies and Spanish--but failing Language Arts and Math among others. She has taken away all forms of entertainment TV, Games, etc. He goes to school, comes home and does home work, and then does chores around the house after dinner and goes to bed. She has even taken away trick or treating. He just doesn't care. He has been hanging around with some bad kids who talked him into stealing a bag of cheetos from a grocery store last week. He was caught but the store didn't press charges. However his school made him go to the jail on Saturday and watch a video and meet a kid from the video that's in jail and he also had to go to the grocery store and do community service for 2 hours. Nothing seems to phase him....what else can she do??

Answer 1

The only way to have any impact on a child like this is discipline, not punishment. Obviously this child is missing something huge in his life to be acting out like this to receive whatever he needs, such as attention. (Bad attention is better than no attention.)

I really recommend the book called "How to Behave So Your Child Will, Too" by Sal Severe. (Available at his website or at Amazon)

This book will help your cousin and the child's other parent understand what it is in them that is encouraging this behavior. They should also read "The Five Love Languages of Children" By Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. This book will help the parents understand how the child needs to hear that he is loved (everyone hears it differently).

Whatever else happens, under NO circumstances should any parents give up on a 13 year old CHILD!!! He is not in jail! He is STILL the RESPONSIBILITY of the parents and it is entirely up to them to accept this and make the very best out of this child. He has a long life ahead of him and it should not be wasted.

Answer 2

One, she needs to stay firm. If he is supposed to be staying home, what was he doing in a store with friends and getting the chance to shoplift?

TV, DVD, video games and phone privelages should all be gone. She should check his homework every night and have daily contact with teachers in the areas he is having the greatest problems in. But perhaps what she should be considering at this point it getting a therapist for her son. Often times, this type of behavior is covering up fears and emotional issues and these will not go away no matter how well he decided to do in school.

My 18 yr old went from being a straight A student her freshman year to barely graduating. At the beginning of her junior year, she attempted suicide. She has been working with a therapist ever since, but school had become her area of control. This was the part of her life where she could act out and even when she was punished, we could not force her to learn, In the end, we had to accept that she would do as she pleased with her education. However, she is finding out the impact it has had now. She is currently working full time in a retail position because her grades were not good enough to get her into the college she wanted to go to or to qualify for the scholorships she would need to go. We ave made it very clear that her attitude about school makes us hesitant to pay tuition for her to attend an out of town school. She will need to do at least a year in a local college, while living at home, before we are willing to provide more financial support. While this may seem unfair, it is the direct result of her own choices and inaction. Your cousin should tell her son how this behavior will impact his choices in the future...and make it perfectly clear that if he wants to go with friends, be given $$ for activities and such, than he has to earn those privelages by taking responsibility for himself and his school work.

Answer 3

Hang in there. Do not freak out. Be calm, stern and fair. You are doing the right things. In the end 'the acorn does not fall far from the tree' He will at some time grow up.

One thing we have done is take away their bedroom. In life if you do not do well you may ask a friend to sleep on the sofa. Make them live like that. They only have a few clothes, must keep them in a bag, keep their blanket folded, and stay out of the way. Just like you would have to do if sleeping on a friends sofa.

One thing that will help you maintain is not to hold a grudge. It will eat you up and increase the friction in the household.

Sometimes it takes going to jail to get through to them. Make sure he is responsible for his actions and let him deal with the consequences.

Don't give up. Good luck.

Answer 4

It's my belief that many childeren who "have the potential" and still fail in school are doing so out of boredom. Public schools don't have the resources to cater to each childs learning speeds and habits.

When I was in school, I was the same way (except I didn't get into too much trouble). When I began my senior year, I was worried I wouldn't graduate on time. I ended up getting into an independant study program and graduating 6 months early.

I realized my downfall was that I learned at a much faster pace then what my classes we going at. When I was allowed to work at my own pace, I was able to get through it all.

The only trick to this method is a goal at the end. The kid has to have something to look forward to, and have someone to support him along the way.

Answer 5

Well it appears that punishment is not doing the trick, maybe they should try a rewards based program instead. Give him some positive reinforcement. Maybe sit there with him while he does his homework to make sure he gets it all done.

Also, just because he says he is lazy, it might not be the case. Maybe he is having some learning difficulties with the above subjects.

Also, I would maybe look into the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program. Maybe he needs some more positive male role models in his life. Maybe they can hook him up with someone younger (Late Teens/Early Twenties) and closer to his age.

As for failing grade maybe try to find someone to tutor him. Think REALLY HOT Chick! He should be starting to think a little bit more about girls by now. Maybe a hot chick can help get him to pay attention.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

I am 16 and there are many kids like that in my school. They are just lazy and don't want to do anything. They are great people once you get to know them, and they can be really smart if they try. They are just not very happy and don't see any point in trying. Maybe she could try something different. Taking things away from him obviously isn't working. It is just making him less happy and giving him less reason to try. He is realizing that she keeps taking things away, and he is going to get in trouble no matter what he does, she he might as well do something fun and get in trouble for it.

My brother is 33 and has always been great at disiplining his 14 year old. My nephew is very outgoing and i am sure far different from your cousin, but i just want to give you some examples of fun punishments that aren't going to make him rebel.

My nephew kept on accidently setting his alarm clock on saturdays, and it would wake up his little sister. So my brother found about 20 different alarm clocks and set them all 5 minutes apart in the middle of the night and hid them in various places in his room. Hahahahah

Another time, he was not turning in his homework. So my brother told my nephew that they were going to the grocery store and he wasnt allowed to stay home by himself because he hadn't turned his homework in. My brother really had no intentions of going to the store. My nephew LOVES to skateboard. They went the the skate park and my nephew had to watch my brother try to skateboard for an hour.

It actually brings them closer together for some reason to do little things like that because they can laugh about them, and he DOES learn his lesson. All i can really say, is stop trying to even really "punish" him. Find out what is bothering him, and deffinitly quit taking things away from him.

She could just walk up to him one day and tell him that he is allowed to have everything back. He can have his radio, tv, video games, whatever she had taken away before. But she should also spend time with him instead of him spending so much time with his friends. Don't tell him that he can't hang out with them, that will just cause him to rebel and go and see them just because you told him not to. I wouldn't even bring up the subject of him friends. Don't spoil him, just try to make him more willing to try in school and everything else.

Answer 7

My dad did this to me when I was sixteen.

He simply made me do all the missing assignments, regardless if I could turn them in for partial credit or not. He made me retake the tests at home if I failed them and made sure I understood the information.

If I was going to act like a child, he was going to treat me like one. He dropped me off at school (right before the bell rang), picked me up from school (he was there ten minutes before the end of the day), we sat down and had to do homework right when I got home TOGETHER. I ate dinner, did my chores, and then did what ever I wanted within my house. I still had freedom and personal time but I had to do things the way my parents wanted me to.

My parents treated me like a baby and I could not stand it. They acted like I couldn't be trusted with anything. So, I changed. They slowly gave me back privileges and I did my homework on my own. I walked home by myself. I went to school by myself. I didn't skip classes. I am so grateful of the lesson my dad taught me. I know now in order to get respect--you have to earn it. You can't just act up and not reap the consequences.

I now look back and see what an amazing sacrifice my family did for me. They put my well being over their own. They had to make special arrangements to do these things for me and really tried to make things (me) better.

If he still doesn't care after they try all of this. Keep up with the same routine but get a counselor to talk with him. There may be underlying issues--depression or anxiety.


Best of luck!

Answer 8

I think the best question asked is "where is this kid's father"? It's HIS job to discipline this child - the step mother is in a no-win situation. This is a tough and tender age - lose 'em now and they could be gone for good - family counseling, parental involvement, and the dad getting in gear. if the kid's father isn't taking the principal role, this situation is doomed.

Answer 9

Hmm, it sounds like your cousin has followed the appropriate steps in punishing. but how did the 13 yr old get to a grocery store with his "bad influenced" friends? He shouldn't be around them at all, unless in class. Perhaps your cousin should talk to a concelor about these issues. A boys ranch may even be needed to "scare" him? Good luck!

Answer 10

I would remove everything from his room but a bed. Come straight home from school everyday....do hanging with friends after school!!!Also, does his parents spend time with him? There is a problem somewhere that needs dealt with. Has he dealt with the divorce of his parents okay? Maybe he and his parents should see a counselor.