Controlling Mother in Law?

Question

My husband's mother is controlling. My husband is her only child and when he joined the Army 2 years ago when he came home from training she wanted my husband spend about 2 or 3 days with her only and we had been married less than 8 months (he didn't). For 7 of those 8 he was in training. Things didn't get any better when our son was born in March. She came to my house (she's in Dallas. TX we are in KS) 2 days after he was born and she came inside and took him out of my arms without asking! She did that for the week she stayed. My husband tells her to back off a lot but with no success. Now that he is deploying, I am going home for Christmas and will be staying with my parents. My relatives haven't met my son and all of my hubby's have. I am goign to Alabama with my mom so my relatives can see Connor and his mom wants me to go to two family Christmases 1 in Houston, TX & 1 in Paris, TX, right after I get back. I said I'd be in Paris, but she's planning my vacation for me! Help

Both my husband, her husband, and I try to get her to back off and she does sometimes. I want to be able to spend my vacation the way I want to. I love his family and I would never deny them time with their grandson, but I don't feel like spending 90% of my vacation making her happy. My mom and dad and my sibilings don't get to see me or my son as often as my husband's parents do. I'm all for close family, but that woman needs to give up the whole control thing.

My husband is no mama's boy and he will take my side over her's. That has never been an issue.

Answer 1

So, you'll be living in Paris. Well, then. Let her plan away....

Spend your Christmas with your family and invite them to come over the holiday if they like. Let Mother in Law know that you don't mind bringing Baby for a visit once a month..(whatever, you decide) and let her know she is always welcome to come to Paris to see the child. That's all.

You may consider offering to bring the baby for Christmas Eve this year as it is his first Christmas and her son is deployed. I suppose it would be the right thing to do.

When you speak with family members speak with respect. Respond to what they have to say. Do not react. Take a breath, think of what you want to say, and say it calmly and respectfully, as if you were speaking with a friend. Respond, don't react. This teaches respect.

Teach family members where your boundaries are. Do ask husband for input .... he wants Mom to know his son, too.... Try to make fair decisions, but you make the decision, don't let them start making you dance. Refer to paragraph above. If conversations get heated, just say, "I can't talk about this right now." and walk away. As long as you are being fair and Grandma gets time with Baby, then that's the end of conversation. The grandbaby is your child, not a replacement for her son.

So, you have to teach them. Teachers are calm, gentle, and firm in their resolve. Be the Teacher.

Answer 2

Reminds me of "Everybody loves Raymond".

This is not something you will be able to change. You can confront her the next time she takes your child out of your arms and let her know you will let her hold him when she is ready but no snatching! That would drive me crazy!
However, even with your husband telling her to back off it seems she is not getting the picture. You let her know your plans. Not her letting you know your plans! that is outrageous. I understand she wants to be with her grandchild and that is great but there is a line between her job as a grandmother and it's not best to cross that line.
This is something you are going to have to live with. The more you go against her the more she will control. She will feel like you are trying to call all the shots and she will get upset. This isn't a good relationship either between a mother and daughter in law. You are going to have to let her know how you feel when things happen without an argument starting. People are set in their ways and will not change. But if you bring it to her attention (you not your husband) then maybe she will be a little less controlling.

Answer 3

Just let her know that you already have plans for Christmas. But maybe just compromise a little on other holidays. Maybe you can get together and both can plan what holidays you will spend together. Let her know that you are willing to compromise sometimes but not all the time. Your mother-in-law isn't going anywhere so try to keep the peace as much as possible. I have gone through the same thing and this worked out for me. Just remember it won't happen over night. Be patient and communicate with her on the things you don't like.

Answer 4

wow!!!! that sucks. I would talk to your husband about getting an allotment directly to you. also try moving out... If you do, Your husband will be paid BAH (basic allowance for housing) and that usually covers rent and stuff like that. And that can go directly to you. A mother in law who treats you like that will never stop as long as you put up with that.. and she needs to realize that your husband now has a family of his own to care for and that you guys are his top priority. I think that she is feeling that she will not be needed anymore now that he has you and she is threatened by it.. TELL HER she needs to butt out of you and your husbands financial life and any other part of your life that she is unwelcome in. Have your husband change the bank account so that she doesn't have control.... OR have the allotment set up so that all the money you will need will go to your PRIVATE bank account... Being a new wife when your husband is deployed is hard I KNOW i 've been through it myself. You do not need the extra stress from your "dear sweet mother in law" making it worse. Talk to your hubby about moving out. And assure him that you are not the one lying.. he should trust you. Let him know how uncomfortable you are there and especially how they pick on your girls!! I hope things work out for you. good luck

Answer 5

The root cause of this problem is mother's excessive indulgence.
She loved her son and she still treats him as a kid.In the overweening circumstances she forgot that her son is married and that his wife too would require his love and care.There are domineering mothers-in law. You will have to tackle the situation carefully and tactfully. If you are harsh towards her, you might incur the wrath and displeasure of your husband.When your mother-in law weeps your husband will be mad at you.It is a bit of Oedipus complex situation and so be careful.Go back to your mother's house for the time being and when he comes to meet you, you tell him how hurt you feel when your love is interfered with.Also confront your mother-in-law in some happy situation and tell her that you are not cutting her off from her son and that she too should be understanding in not poking her nose too often.It is common to see woman become too indulgent towards their son particularly when her husband becomes less powerful or is of a meek type.A mother's pride towards her son is blinding and this makes her feel that she is on top of the world. Since you are also a woman you have to deal with this rivalry nicely.

Answer 6

Stand up on your own two feet like a big girl and tell her what's going to happen. Don't take any crap out of her. You are an adult with a baby to think of. If it's important to you, SPEAK UP.
Keep speaking up until she hears you, if she doesn't hear you, ignore her and do your own thing!

You are going to be living with this for the rest of your life. She is always going to be your sons grandma, even if you part ways with your hubby, you can't change that. You have to establish yourself with her. Don't back down!!!

And honey, she would have pulled the baby from my arms over my dead body. She could have gotten away with it once, then never again! You let her do it! Why didn't you say something?

Answer 7

Your an adult! You stand up for yourself and say NO. Do not let this woman control you like this, she is really not needed in your daily life so it really wouldnt matter if your relationship with her came to a halt.

Tell her your plans for the holiday and express your feeling about how she never listens to you and treats you like a child, in a respectful way of course.

Answer 8

Be honest with her. You are reading her mind and expecting her to read yours. Life doesn't work that way. You will get a lot farther if you are willing to share your husband with her. Remember that she loved him first. She feels about him like you feel about Connor. Respect her feelings and then set some limits. You are coming across as being a selfish baby, which I am sure is not what you mean to be. Try to grow up and learn to share. I don't mean this to be harsh but sometimes people need to hear the truth. You can't control her or change her. All you can do is change yourself and how you react to her. Changing your reaction will automatically change her. (Don't tell anyone. That's a secret to getting people to change -- that is by changing your reactions).

Answer 9

Tell her that you don't want to travel all over creation with your baby. One trip is enough. Is is dangerous to drive that far durring the holiday's with an infant. Be very matter of fact with her as to what you want to do, If she gets mad at you, who cares???She sounds annoying anyway. She only wants what she wants and does not care about you or the baby being comfortable. I can't stand women like this. Don't let her control you because you want her to like you. It will just cause you to resent her more and more.

Answer 10

Just do what you want to do. If she wants to plan let her, doesn't mean you have to show up does it. She can't control you if you don't let her. Just be firm to the point, and don't waver. Tell her you'll be in Paris, but won't be able to to the Houston. End of discussion.