Where do we draw the line with teens...?

Question

If a parent finds a note and reads it, they are snooping. Thus a "bad parent"

If a parent doesn't read a note and their child ends up pregnant they were neglectful. Thus a "bad parent."

I would like to know where do you draw the line with teenagers? I know everyone thinks if you are open with kids they will come to you but that doesn't always happen. Should we not invade privacy and let teens do stupid things (sex, drugs, and self-abuse)--that will end up hurting them in the end? Or should we snoop and stop the mistakes from happening?

Answer 1

Be a good parent. If you suspect something, snooping is null and void - so is invasion of privacy. If you don't find anything, then apologize to your teen and explain to them your intentions. If you do find something, let proper justice prevail...

Answer 2

Snooping fosters distrust, resentment and closes the doors to communication. Communication is the most important thing between a parent and teen. Realize that the teen years cover 13-19 and those 17+ are by no means children but are young/legal adults. I think sometimes the forums need to seperate the age grous as teen 13-16 and young adult 17-19, to many people asume teen means the very young in this age bracket from what I've seen. If someone was snooping on me I'd just do a better job hiding things and may even get very pissed off and due things out of spite if I where younger.

Answer 3

I was told by the child psychologist that we should only snoop if we have reason to. The problem with that is that we don't always see the signs.
Most teens can be trusted but it never hurts to do spot checks once in a while. Let your child know up front that you will check their private space x amount of times a year but don't tell them when. If they do not like it then remind them that if they have nothing to hide, it will be painless. If you consistantly find nothing, reduce the checks (or you may be able to eliminate them as they get older).
Teens need to be reminded that trust is an earned privilege, not an entitlement. It is not my job as a parent to trust my 13 year old so completely that I I would let her have complete privacy without question. That would be neglectful.

Answer 4

"Snooping" is not a crime if you are a concerned parent. It's the parents that have a nasty attitude with a good kid that is the problem. A teen has basically no rights in their parents home, in other words, the parents have the right to see whatever they want to ensure their childs safety and well-being.

I had a mother that read my diary when I was a teen, to this day, I feel violated because I was a very good kid. Didn't give my parents a reason to do something like that. If they had been better parents, they would have known my inner feelings and not had to read my diary. I feel with some kids, it may be necessary to take those measures, the ones that really warrant it.

The bottom line is this; be a good parent by being a good example. Raise your kids with morals, values and respect for themselves and others. Most parents I've seen don't do this. I find that very sad. When a child is raised well, they carry that through their entire lives.

Answer 5

In my opinion, snooping just to snoop is not right. However if you suspect something is not right or if your teen's behavior has a sudden change and it doesn't seem right, try talking to them first. If they won't crack then I do not see it as bad parenting to see if they are hiding something in their room. If you can prevent it, then by God do what you have to. My parents did similar to me and found out that I was having an issue with severe depression, and because of them finding out when they did I feel that they got me help before I did something over the top like attemp suicide. They never snooped unless they had reason to believe something was not right. Keep as open a relationship as you can, but teens will shy off. Be persisitant. You're a good parent.

Answer 6

As parents, it is our job to protect our children, even from themselves. My children know that this is my house and my rules and if I think something is going on, then I'm going to find out what it is. You really have to use common sense and your judgment on this. If you suspect that something is wrong like drug use or having sex, then "snooping" isn't being a bad parent, just a responsible one. If it's just your normal teenage stuff then let the child make the mistake if one occurs and then make sure you follow up on it. My oldest son has learned that talking to me first often bypasses the mistakes. Sometimes he is embarassed to talk to me, but he knows that I am there no matter what.

I remember last year I noticed my teenage son acting different, he just wasn't his self. He seemed like there was something always on his mind. After a lot of prodding from me, he admitted that he had tried pot. Boy did I hit the floor and the ceiling at the same time. But through it all, I remained as calm as possible and did what I could do to help him work through it. It wasn't the fact that he had smoked pot, but the fact that he knew he had made a major mistake. Since then, our relationship has been better and more open. I wish I could have stopped him from trying it, but he has learned something from this mistake.

Answer 7

Although it is hard for parents to correct mistakes they made when the child was young(trust issues)you can still engage in conversations that would prevent the snooping. Such as... "You know, when I was 14 I decided to smoke pot. It was such a blast at the time, but soon after, I realised that I could get into much more trouble than it's worth." Even if these things are not true about you, talking to a teen at this level will make them more comfortable, unless you have a REALLY bad relationship.

Answer 8

First, a childs' rights (and a teen is still a child) extend only so far as they may without endangering themselves. Therefore the right to privacy bends to allow mom to protect her child. Also, I'm sure in crime novels or TV shows you have heard or read of a criminal crying out to be caught and stopped. If your child does not want you to read a note, she is going to leave it at school, toss it, flush it, or hide it really really really good. If she leaves a note where you can find it, chances are either she doesn't care if you read it or she subconciously *wants* you to find and read it. In the case you describe, she probably wants to stop the sexual behavior, but doesn't know how to do so without parental interference. Approach her, talk to her, see whether the behavior can be stopped without punishment. If not, put severe limits on her freedom. She is going to say she hates you and that you are the meanest mom in the world. She might even think she means it, right now. However, deep down, she is going to be grateful- she doesn't want to be pregnant either, and you are giving her an excuse so that she doesn't feel like she's going to be teased or looked down on as a 'prude'. Instead she may feel she'll be pitied as having a mean old mom. You are giving her an excuse to say 'no'.

Answer 9

If a parent finds a note and reads it I do not think that is being a bad parent at all. Parents need to guide children and as long as said children are living in a parents home, a parent has every right to "snoop".

I also understand how a pre-teen or teen might hate this but if they are not doing anything wrong then they have nothing to hide right?

Answer 10

Snoop and stoping them from runing their lives... they will thank you later when they graduate from college and are sucessful

what the world see's as a bad parent and what a teen sees are two highly different things but the only perspective on how to raise kids is helping your child in to leading your child in to a life as a productive adult, and keeping them from harming them selves and other. Now if snooping to make sure that you kid is save isn't good parenting then I don't know what is...

Answer 11

Going through this right now myself as a mother of a 14yr old. I will just say my mother ws protective of me when I was a teen. She tried to instill good morals and tried to keep me from making life altering decisions without guidance. I thought she was trying to ruin my life and didn't trust me. I did however have to learn a few "lesson" on my own to understand that moms are usually right. Today I am 35 years old and going through the same things with my teenager. My mother is my Best Friend and I may not have realized at 14, 15, 18, that she was only did the things she did because she loved me just as I do my own kids.
If I didnt care what they were doing and where they were-I'd say dont snoop and let them figure things out themselves. But, like my me with my mother my kids will realize one day I do things only out of concern and love-not to make their lives miserable or be a "over protective strict" mom. I DO TRUST MY DAUGHTER-I JUST DONT TRUST OTHERS WHO HAVE BAD INFLUENCES ON HER. The reasoning part of a 14yr olds brain does not work like an adults. I dont care what anyone says about how some teenagers are more mature than you think-ADULTS still have problems making good decisions in life.