Found a love letter in 14yr old daughters room?

Question

My daughter is 14(will be 15 in Feb) and likes this boy that is 16. She is a very beautiful mature looking 14. I told her she isnt aloud to date but the boy can come over with supervision and I talked to the boys parents(fathers a preacher) and told them my feelings and that they werent to be together un-supervised and to explain to him that it going to be hard to "date" my daughter because she's not aloud to go out on dates. He has a truck and if they go to the movies I take her and pick her up. I do like the boy they see each other at school,talk on phone and see each other at shool funtions. I find this letter he asks when they are going to have sex. Says he respects that she wants to wait but he is wanting to be her first and its pretty explecit on the things he wants to try-5 pages of I love you - you are the one-I want to make love to you-and go down on u..made me sick
She told him not going to happen-says he is fine with it. I'm still not! Should I just trust her and let it go?

Wow great advise so far! I was not snooping I was looking for something when I ran across it. I did tell her that and that I found it. I've just learned that this isnt the first time the boy has written such a letter. The last one he wrote (JUST LIKE THIS ONE) the mother took to the parents-for him to do it again is desturbing. I have had the "sex" talk with her and she is a very smart girl. Like some of you said I probably need to talk to the parents.
I am really impressed with these teenagers who have replied - you all seem to be very level headed!

Answer 1

His parents really need to know about this. He's laying it on pretty thick and apparently his parents' values aren't being reflected in the boy. I remember some of this sort of thing from when I was your daughter's age (I'm 23 now). The hormones were running at a fever pitch and if I had not been supervised with boys I would have become sexually active around about 13-14 years of age.

These kids need to be made to understand that 1. It is NOT NOT NOT appropriate to have sex before marriage, and 2. As strongly as they feel about each other now, they are NOT old enough to make a marriage committment. The chance of them actually getting married when they are older is almost nil. Don't forget to explain to her why sex is only appropriate within marriage. If you don't explain why she may think you are just being old-fashioned and that your ideas do not apply in this day and age. Premarital sex causes all kinds of problems later on down the road--not just the danger of disease or out-of-wedlock pregnancy, but emotional problems now and in the future. Sexual problems after marriage, as well.

This kid obviously does not share his parents' faith or values. Do not let your guard down because his father is a clergyman. Sometimes precher's kids can be some of the worst. Do NOT let these kids spend time together without an appropriate chaperone! I cannot stress this enough. I vividly remember how I felt about boys when I was your daughter's age, and the things we talked/wrote about, and the things we did when we snuck off alone. Your kid will probably think it is so lame for them to not be able to go out alone but stick with it. It's more important to protect her purity than for her to like you. You're the parent, not the "best friend".

Let the boy come over for dinner, or to watch TV with your daughter, or anything like that in a public area of the house. Come through the room and/or pop your head in to check what they are doing every ten to fifteen minutes at the most. Their hormones are driving them very hard and they will do anything they think they can get away with and sneak off whenever they can to do more. The schemes are endless. Society nowadays is so sexual and that has a BIG impact on kids (I remember being influenced quite a bit by music and TV/movies when I was a pre-teen/teen on sexual matters). Pay attention to the music, television, and magazines your daughter is into. Don't be afraid to ban the things you think are inappropriate.

Whatever you do, dont' just trust her and let her do whatever! The kind of notes that they are passing back and forth are just fanning the flames. I can promise you she is reciprocating his feelings in her own notes back. I got "love notes" like this when I was her age so I know from experience that they are on dangerous ground. He may not put overt pressure on her but he will keep stoking her fire and telling her what she wants to hear. Boys even at that age know that things like "I love you" and "If you really loved me..." are powerful ways to toy with a girl's heart.

Please, do not delay in explaining the value of virginity to your daughter. Let her know that you understand that she is dealing with a lot of physical urges and might really, really want to give in, but that she will be so glad if she saves it for her wedding night. Let her know that her virginity can only be given once, and she can never get it back, period. When it's gone, it's gone. I gave in when I was just slightly older than your daughter and I've never stopped regretting that I didn't save it for my husband. It's a priceless gift that belongs to her husband. It's to be saved for him and him alone, until AFTER the wedding. Having sex before marriage is just stealing from your future spouse the gift that they deserve, and she needs to understand that. If it is given before marriage, it is devalued. She needs to think of the wonderful husband she will have someday and to save this special gift for him only. Her virginity needs to be regarded as her special wedding gift for her husband.

I sure wish I had stood firm when I was young. My parents didn't teach me these lessons about the special-ness of sex and remaining a virgin before marriage, I learned them the hard way. It grieves my heart so much that I did not wait for marriage. Since I've found God, I've realized just how special sex is and how much I wish I had saved this gift for my wonderful husband. I know from experience how hard it is to be a pre-teen or teen today and not give in to all the pressures (both internal and external) to have sex. I have a heart for kids that age, because I understand how it feels to be there and what they are up against. The best foundation you can give a kid is God. I wish I had made God my foundation a long time ago. Raise them with a good set of morals and values. Don't give in to moral relativism and permissiveness. If they have God to hold on to, it will be so much easier to walk through all these difficulties they are facing.

God will never give us any temptation that we are incapable of overcoming. God helps us overcome any temptation that we encounter, but we can't give in and say "Oh, I can't help myself!". Keep your eyes on God and He will provide a way out.

I wish I could talk to your daughter myself and tell her. I never thought I would say it but I WISH I HAD LISTENED TO MY PARENTS WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER. I would tell her the same thing. Now that I'm older I realize that Mom and Dad were right about sex and other things, if only I had listened. The biggest thing I can tell her is to save it until she's married, and she will never ever be sorry she did. I can promise her that.

I hope this helps, I know being a teenager is really hard and confusing lots of times and I do have children so I can understand wanting to teach your kids the right way to live, and being grieved to see them perhaps heading down the wrong path. You have a chance now to stop her from making a really wrong decision but you have to act now. Life doesn't offer a re-test, so kids need to know that the decisions they make now are forever. They need to weigh carefully. There's no going back. They need to make the right decision, one they will be proud of and not ashamed of. I'm going to do all I can to let my kids learn from my own mistakes instead of doing like me and learning the hard way.

God bless! If you like you can tell your daughter I'm praying for her--and you.

Answer 2

I also have dealt with these situations when my daughter was between the ages of 13 to 15; at this age it's hard to tell the child she's too young to date because this is the age we all know too well, you tend to think you can make choices and decisions on your own and get really upset when told you can't do something you want! If the boy is 16 and she's 14; there's only a 2 year difference in age, and as long as the dates are supervised and under parental knowledge, I say let her see him, otherwise, if your daughter is bound and determined to see this boy, she will probably try and do so without your consent! THE best of luck to you!

Answer 3

Wow, this happened to me, I was 14 and sort of interested in a 16 year old guy that wanted to date me, but my mom and dad said I was too young to really 'date'. Here is what I learned, that many guys at that age (not all, but many) cannot think about anything but sex. So, with that said, watch out for your daughter. Gently try to emphasize to her that this may be just a new friendship with this boy, but there may be other guys in the future that she will want to get to know better. I guess is what I am trying to say is to trust your daughter, but talk to her about how treacherous dating and relationships can be. Your daughters body and feelings are a gift for the right person at the right time, so make sure she understands how to show respect for herself.
By the way, I didn't fall for the "come on, let's have sex, your parents wil never know" ploy...I was afraid of getting pregnant, getting a disease and also not respecting myself. Make sure your daughter is informed about all the dangers. I would say trust your daughter, keep the lines of communication open, but let her know the dangers - both physically and emotionally that she could encounter if she does something too physical at such a young age. Best of luck!

Answer 4

First off i agree that you DID NOTHING wrong by reading the letter.
How you handle the next phase is whats important. This happened to me and my step daughter, i was truthfully NOT snooping but hunting a sheet of paper and stumbled on her "journal" written in a spiral bound notebook. Saw what it was and chose to read it, was pretty shocked(she was 16) at what i read, even though i was the ultimate bad teen (never got caught), well i sat on the info for a few days, spoke with a friend, then told my husband(her dad) what i found and read, we decided I should call and talk to her mom, maybe together we could decide what we could do to help her out of her behavior, well her mom hung up on me(shocking) my step daughter moved out to her moms and didn't speak to us for 2 yrs. Now her and i are closer than her and her mom or dad and she understands why i did what i did and she is a better person for it.
I don't regret it (she is now 20) and i have a 13 and 14 yr old girl and boy and i will do the same thing.

Answer 5

Tough one. REAL tough one. You have to trust that you raised your daughter right and instilled in her good morals. If she is putting the boy off and keeps telling him no, then she more than likely will stick with that. And with all of the supervision they appear to have, it would be very hard. As for reading the letter as one parent to another, you should be upset, but your daughter has already set the 16 year old walking hormone straight. As a once 14 year old that had her mom go through her room and read her letters including ones that she would send to family members out of state (she worked at the USPS), not cool. It's a violation of her privacy and it will put a dent in your relationship when she finds out. She will not trust you any more and the relationship will be strained and akward, then she'll start hiding things from you. You don't want that. Good luck!

Answer 6

I can honestly say I was in the same situation when I was 16 and by the way DID GET PREGNANT! Its sad because you really want to trust her but like I say sometimes we all make stupid choices and mistakes. I really told my boyfriend no but as time went on he kept asking which eventually turned to begging and I gave in. It made sense at the time because all my friends were doing it so I just ended up giving in. I placed my son with family members who can't have children and have a very open adoption with him but it still haunts me to this day to wonder what might have been if I wouldn't of got pregnant at 16. Now I am 22 and am married now for almost 3 years and have a 7 month old daughter and can tell you when she gets to that age I know this sounds bad but I probably won't be able to trust her or her boyfriends because I was that age before and know things go 90% of the time. Granted, I do know there are teens out there who will save themselves for marriage but not many in todays society and when it comes to my daughter i'd rather be safe than sorry and when she is older and has children of her own one day she will understand hopefully. Good Luck

Answer 7

Wow! I'd hate to have been your kid!!! You're too strict. Kids that age are experimenting with dating, and boys, and all that. Don't you remember being 14?

The fact that he comes over, they see each other in school, and go to the movies--- what else is that if not dating? The tighter you make the leash the more she's going to want to defy you. Believe me, kids can have sex if they really want to- without you ever finding out.

The fact that you actually snooped around her room and read a private letter is also questionable. Unless you have a good reason to be going through her things (eg. if you thought she was on drugs, or something else dangerous) you should respect her privacy.

Kids that age are curious about sex. The best you can do is teach her your values, and let her know what is expected of her. Aside from that, she's going to make decisions like that on her own.

Answer 8

OMG never read your kid's letters unless you think it's a dire emergency!!!!!! I remember my mom found a note in my pocket once, I said I liked some guy I never talked to, and my mom flipped out on me! She made me feel so dirty and guilty - and all I had was a simple crush. Here's how I'd deal with this:
a) Don't let her know you read the letter
b) engage her in conversations frequently about sex and how it's good go wait, etc.
c) trust that she will make the smart decision
Trust me, this is not the last time she'll get asked for sex from a boy. It'll happen all her life. She needs to become indepedent and stand on her own two feet. she'll remember what you've taught her. look she already said no to him.
If you go yelling at her, etc. you're only going to build a bridge between you and she might end up doing it to get back at you. Good luck.

Answer 9

Wow that is a tough one. You don't want to break the bond you have & respect of telling her & letting her know you invaded her privacy than she may never come to you or talk to you about things.
Maybe you could sit down with her and just have a generalized conversation about the relationship she has with this boy. Maybe it will help her open up to some things she would like to talk about with you. Sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders from her response to him in the letter that she said *its* not going to happen. Trust her but keep communication open & keep being an involved parent. Sounds like your doing a great job with the supervision of them when they are together. Good Luck

Answer 10

Mother, you're doing a fine job. The rules you've laid down are firm but fair and not unnecessarily rigid -- routinely chaperoning your daughter with her boyfriend rather than expressly forbidding her to see any boy until she's allowed to date. This will pay off BIG in the coming years when your daughter continues to value your opinion and your rules rather than completely rebelling against the perceived tyranny...

And, it sounds as though your daughter has a pretty level head on her shoulders, too and you can probably claim some of the credit for that.

Teen love letters are famous for thier..well...their rantings of devotion and physical angst and this is probably the first in a long line of many letters your daughter is likely to receive throughout her high school career -- from her long line of admirers. While you shouldn't ignore it by any means, do please remember to take it in context and to continue to trust your daughter and remind her often that you trust her and why. Kids don't, as a general rule, live to disappoint their parents and if you continue to remind her that she's on the right path, she's much more likely to remain on that path.

And remember...raising teenagers is like trying to nail jello to the wall! :-)

Peace to you and your family.

Answer 11

You are not wrong for reading your daughter's note. The way I see it when she pays a bill or two, that's when she gets her privacy. Just wanted to clear that up.

But altogether, there is nothing you can do to stop your daughter from having sex. Unfortunately, if she really wanted to then she would. You just have to provide her comfort during this time now to ensure that you two have a good relationship where she can come talk to you about anything.

Like discuss the situation with her. Instead of saying "It's wrong to have sex" say "It's better to do it with someone who you will be with forever''. Tell her about all the consequences that come along with it. If you make it seem as if you are angry with her, she will rebel even more with this boy.

Make sure you add that if he really loves her like he says he does, he will wait on her. Her virginity is precious and can only be given away once and it should be with someone that is going to be there always i.e, her husband. Just advise her to wait, not instruct her. Good luck.