How do I handle an adult child that spends the night with her boyfriend?

Question

Our daughter, who is almost 21 just moved back home. She stayed the night with her boyfriend (who has his own place) and I'm not sure how to handle this. I was raised with strict parents and that was never allowed. I'm pretty open minded and as long as she calls to let me know and doesn't do this too often, I'm actually OK with it. (the boyfriend is not allowed to stay at our house overnight). She's a good person, works fulltime and pays her own bills. The problem is we have a son still at home, he's 14. I've always been open with him but I'm not sure if I want him to know exactly whats going on with this situation. What do I tell him if he asks where she is?

Answer 1

I totally understand where you are coming from. It is so good to know that there are mothers out there who still have morals and values when it comes to this type of behavior. I could never understand why a parent would condone a child wether she/he is over 21 or not to spend the night out of the house or have a boyfriend/girlfriend stay over. This is totally wrong. I am 33 yr old mother of a 13 and 15 year old and I would NOT condone my daughter spending the night at her boyfriends house. I am sorry, if she wants to act grown up then she will have to be a grownup and move out. She cannot play house and then come home and live under my roof. It is disrespectful to you and her brother. She is not setting a good example for him. Right now you are thinking of your 14 year old son, and that is what a wonderful mom such as your self is supposed to do (I commend you for that). Therefore, if you are that concerned about your son asking where his sister is then it is time for big sis to make a decsion on where she wants to lay her head at night. You don't have to kick her out. But if it was me, I would sit her down and have a talk with her and tell her as long as she is living under your roof she STILL has to abid by your rules. Therefore she cannot stay at her boyfriends house over night she has to come home. Point Blank. Tell her she cannot do it. Let her make the decision on what is more important. I could see if it was just you and her living together, but its not. You have a 14 year old that you need to protect from influences. I knows she is 21. But that doesn't matter because she is still living under your roof and you still are raising a child yourself, and she needs to take that into consideration. This just proves that it is time for her to be out on her own.

Answer 2

You said your daughter works full time and pays her own bills.How is she paying her own bills if she is living with you? There is no reason for her to live with you at age 21.She needs to take responsibility in her life and get out in the real world and pay real bills.You may not like this but it`s none of your concern where she spends a night at.It is not you 14yr old sons concern where sister stays a night at.What do you mean by you are not sure if you want your son to know exactly what is going on?You dont even know what goes on in that mans house with your daughter so there really is nothing to tell your son except your daughter went to spend a night at her boyfriends house.Your parents was strict and would of never put up with this,well sadly enough that was then.In these ages alot of parents dont have the strength or knowledge to teach their kids self repect and morals like parents did years ago.

Answer 3

Just because you don't give him ALL of the information of his sister's where abouts does not mean that you're lying to him! Tell him she's spending the night with a friend. Don't say 'boyfriend'. He's on a need to know basis and he doesn't need to know this information.
She's 21 with a job, and carries her own responsibilities and she's got a boyfriend. It shouldn't be a big deal. As long as she stays in touch with you and let's you know where she's at and that she's okay I wouldn't have a problem with it.
The 14 year old, more than likely, knows what's going on over there and once you tell him she's staying with a friend, he should leave it alone from there. He can put two and two together and come up with four, I'm sure.

Answer 4

If she is 21 leave her do what she wants. You can decide if it happens under your roof or not which you have but thats it. Why not let her boyfriend stay over in a spare room so you can get to know him. Its a different time now and its just not possible to get married and buy a house for years. Your son at 14 knows whats happening. How to handle it..... be nice to your daughter and go for lunch and try to have an adult relationship. Also there is nothing adult child about a 21 year old.... maybe a 16 year old but she is defenitely an adult even though she will make mistakes.

Answer 5

Tell him that she is 21 and he is 14. Did you let her do what she wanted to do at 14? You have to earn adult privaleges. The fact that your daughter pays her own bills is a indication that she's responsible. You can't really apply your strict standard of upbringing to your daugther's life because times have changed. Teach her how to make responsible decisions and she should be fine. If you already have, don't worry.

But if you pay the mortgage and your daughter does not, it is still your house and your rules should apply. Even in a rooming house, there are rules to follow. If your daughter wants to come and go as she pleases, she needs to pay rent in addition to her personal bills (which shouldn't be your concern). If not, maybe she should consider moving in with her boyfriend or getting her own place. She can't have it both ways. If she wants the comfort of home, she has to live as if she's still at home, to a certain degree. As far as your son goes, you shouldn't have to explain to a child what an adult does. So when he asks where his sister is, don't be ashamed to say that she's at ________ house. When he starts with, how come she gets to.. and I don't? remind him that he's a child. When becomes a grown up, he too can live as he pleases.

Answer 6

First, there is no such thing as an adult child. You have a daughter who is an adult. As such you should explain to your son and only if he asks. That your daughter is out with friends and she will be home when where it is you may expect her to be. You be honest and let him know that when you get of age you will be allowed the same priviledges. Instead of hiding it from
him make it something he can look forward to when he get older.

Also, how do you make sure a 21 year old is on birth control? (read in a comment) You can talk to her and let her know that her brother is looking up to her and to be cautious of the things she does and the example she sets.

You seem to be a pretty cool parent with moral and standards but also can be flexible in todays times. Your son already knows whats going on. My advice is to bring it up to him now so it doesn't come back in 3 years when he tries to do the same thing a little earlier because his sister did it.

Answer 7

I know that it is very hard for a mother to think of her child as being an adult. We have to face the fact that once they turn 18, they are adults. We want to keep them in our world of mother's love and protect them from everything we can. It is hard to let go.
Your daughter is an adult and as long as she calls and let you know where she is staying the night, there is nothing else you can do. If you disagree with any of her decisions she makes, I promise you that it won't be something you want to put yourself through. Keep your rule to not let the boyfriend stay at your house. Till this day, my children who are over 18, are not allowed to stay the night with their boyfriends or girlfriends. They would have to be married first. As far as your 14 year old, he knows what is going on, he just wants to test your reaction. Tell him the truth that she is staying the night with her boyfriend. And be sure he understands that he will not be spending the night with his girlfriend until he becomes an adult. If you lie to your son, believe me, he'll get you back one way or the other.

Answer 8

What can I say???? Im 24 yrs old girl and sometimes I have slept over my boyfriend's house; but most of the time he stays in my house, my mom knows about us, as Im pretty sure you do about your daugther too; there is not much you can do about because she is already 21 and she knows what she is doing, about your son 14 is not a easy age and he already knows why she is not @ home and exactly what she is doing too; dont try to hide anything from him because he will hide those things from you when they are happening to him, just be honest, I mean if he ask you where she is just tell him "with the boyfriend" he wont ask U "what they're doing" or anything like that 'cause he already knows. Just make sure he understand the deal you have w/ your daughter, she is @ home and sometimes she stays over her boyfriend's house but she is responsable for what she does, she pays rent, she works, she does everything a responsable adult does, so when he is ready for that make sure he knows his responsabilities, ahhhhhh I dont know if you would let him bring her girlfriend to stay @ night @ your house, but I you wont also make sure you clarify that in the future for him, that you would accept if he doesnt come to sleep, but you wont let them "sleep for the night" in your house. But if you will allow that, that would be better because in the house they will be safer than anywhere else.

I hope it helps you, that point of view helped my mom to deal w/ me and my brother.

Answer 9

Well first off, your 14 year old son will probably already know what is going on. They play dumb, believe me, but piecing together the information will be simple.
If she lives in your house, then its your rules. Some lienancy can be provided if she is paying rent/bills etc etc, but that does not mean she has the right to do whatever! She may be 21 but you are still her mother, and she is in YOUR house. Just tell her..."I don't mind you staying at his house or whatever, but not everynight, or you can just move your stuff over there and stay there with him. I have a 14 year old to raise, and I don't want to hear it from him about what your doing." simple as that! Hope I helped! ---raechel.denise

Answer 10

If you can't be honest with your son, then tell him she is staying with a friend or something of that nature. But the fact is, she is an adult and should be allowed to make her own decisions. I understand you might not be comfortable with all of them, but it sounds like she is a responsible and respecful person who just wants to spend time with her boyfriend. You also must understand that it's very hard to be an adult and move back in with your parents. Maybe she isn't aware that this makes you uncomfortable and is simply used to having the freedom to do what she wants. Try to relax; I'm sure she is not doing this to be disrespectful or upset you in any way. If it's something you really don't want happening or makes you that uncomfortable, then just talk to her about it. Communication is always key. Hope this helps.