I started seeing a lovely guy about 2 months ago, he is kind and attentive, makes me smile and feel safe when I am with him. I know it is early days in the relationship but I really feel like this could go somewhere, I've known him for a few years, we used to work together. But yesterday he told me he just found out he has a 3 yr old daughter, he didn't know how I was going to react, I think it was good of him to be so honest with me, and to be honest I was more concerned about how he was coping with it, and told him I was there if he needs me. And that I will support him in whatever he decides (in regards to visiting her etc). But it's only today now that I have had some time on my own to think, I feel a little tearful. I just think it's a shame that if we settle down and have children together that it won't be the first for both of us. Am I being silly? Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation and how did you deal with it?
2006-10-12 02:49:54 · 14 answers · asked by kchick8080 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
First off, I do have some experience in this situation. Only I got with my man while his ex was still pregnant with his daughter. She is 3 now. I don't have any children of my own, we have been trying, but still we haven't succeeded. I have faith though.
As far as being there for your man, and helping him through this. The only thing you can do is be there when he brings it up and wants to talk about it. I do not suggest that you ever be the one to bring it up. Just be willing when he wants too. If you bring it up all the time, and ask alot of questions that he feels he doesn't have the answers to, you will only argue and upset him and stress him out. So PLEASE, let him talk about it ONLY when HE wants to. And things will be fine. Just *LOVE* him as you already do, and in your *ACTIONS* let him know that nothing has changed between you. Let him know that you are ok.
I have NEVER wanted to be with a man that already had a child. I always wanted that to be an experience that me and my lover shared together, and was our first experience together. I almost broke it off with my man because of always wanting that. I am glad I stayed with him. His daughter is my daughter too. I have grown to love her so much, you would never know that she wasn't my own. We have bonded so much over the 3 yrs. To her, I am her mommy. Even though she knows who her *REAL* mom is.
You can love her as your own and grow a bond with her, and you and him can have your children together, and give her a family with her daddy, complete with little sisters and brothers. And a WONDERFUL step mommy, that will lover her just as much as if she was yours, to complete the family.
This doesn't have to be hard, and it doesn't have to be a struggle. If you love him, then loving her will be like loving him and loving yourself. Children are sooooooooo easy to love, and their love is easy to have.........if......... they know you love them no matter what.
Just relax, and enjoy your life with this man, and be excepting to his choice, and his daughter. Everything is going to be fine. And you can have a wonderful life and find a love in this world that you never knew existed. Life is a learning experience, and if you go into it with love, *pure love*, then love is what you will find as you go along in your life journey. You may have wanted to be with a man that you and him experience *new life* (your first child) together, but you still have that. When you and him have your first child..... together. This little girl did not take that away, but she sure did and can add more love into your life, if you let her. Blessed be...............
2006-10-12 03:24:43 · answer #1 · answered by shy&gental 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I haven't been in this situation, but I wouldn't let it pull me down or let the situation worry me. I know you had your mind set on you two experiencing parenthood together for the first time and it has just all of a sudden went out the window. Things like this happen everyday in life and when they suddenly just spring up like this you have to find that strength from within and tell yourself I will get through this and be happy no matter what. If you really love this man then this shouldn't come between you and him. The point is you will be able to have his kids also, and even though it won't be his first child, the only thing that matters is you will have a child with him. Look at the happiness that you can still have despite this. Just think about it, it will be a very new experience for him when he actually can be there to see his child born and look into it's eyes for the first time, and have that connection. He missed this crucial part with his first child so really everything would be new for the both of you. This situation is only what you make it.
2006-10-12 03:19:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you're being silly at all. You've just found out something quite shocking about your boyfriend. The dynamics are different now that he has a daughter, and as it's a fairly new relationship I think it's perfectly normal to feel a little insecure about how things might change.
The fact that he told you and that he was concerned about your feelings shows he really cares about you, so I don't think you should worry too much (I've been out with men in the past who would have tried to hide the truth!).
In an ideal world, we would all be with one person for life, going through the same experiences at the same time. But realistically, that isn't the case. Very few of us enter long-term relationships without a past, and if you stay together you will have to come to terms with the fact your partner has a daughter with someone else (even if he doesn't want contact).
But remember that he wasn't aware himself that he had a child until recently. If you go on to have children of your own it will still be the first experience of pregnancy and childbirth for both of you.
Don't worry too much, your relationship is still young, go out and enjoy it!
2006-10-12 03:03:32 · answer #3 · answered by katy_bird 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you want a relationship with him you support him. If in time you have your own children his daughter will not take away from that. You will just have another child to love. Please understand that the child will be part of your life. Your boyfriend will be supporting her not only financially, but also emotionally - If he is a good man. Don't get involved in the previous relationship just do the best you can for the little girl if your around for her visits. Remember the child is innocent no matter what if anything her Mom may do. If you treat her right in the end you will come out on top. ** Do not get involved in any matters between your boyfriend and his ex. If you cannot handle these guidelines then bail on the relationship. I know I sound cold, but in the end the child will suffer if you have issues. Good luck and I hope it works out in the end.
2006-10-12 03:01:09 · answer #4 · answered by anntrek 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now a days most people you meet have children from previous relationships and every child need both parents and you are doing the right thing by standing by him and supporting him in this he needs that as its new to him too. He should get to know her and he might enjoy fatherhood too. Thinking about the latter and it not being the first for him if you two ever have children is just silly and a selfish thought that will go away in time especially when you get to know her. You will be ok.
2006-10-12 04:14:21 · answer #5 · answered by flowerpower 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
as a *step mom* myself, let me say that I think it was horrible of whomever this woman is to not tell your boyfriend about his child... but there's always extenuating circumstances. This now involves you as much as him. My advice is as follows:
1.) always remember that his child HAS a mother and it's not you. a.k.a. respect the mom. 2.) don't stay w/ this guy unless you are sure you can love him AND this child whole heartedly 3.) there's a big chance that you will end up crying over this whole situation more than once and it will drain you, if you are not prepared or not wiling to handle this.. then move on before you get too emotionally involved. 4.) pay close attention to the way your boyfriend handles this situation, what he chooses to do about this child... that's the same thing he'd do to you if you ended up pregnant (i.e. if he wants to see his child, if he supports his child, etc....) You said you wanted children, so the way he is around this child is the way he'll be around yours. ALSO, don't sweat that you're never going to have *first* moments with your and his possible future child. apparently he hasn't known about this kid for 3 yrs. THis means you and him can still have all the firsts you want.. first words, first baby breaths, etc......... good luck
2006-10-12 03:09:51 · answer #6 · answered by rachael 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was 21 when I first saw my real dad! It was a real shock! I am also 1 of 8 kids! I know it's a shock for you as well. My stepmom and I don't get along at all. She tried being my mom, then my friend and then as soon as she got me to trust her, she turned on me. Just being yourself with his daughter would be best. If you feel like buying her something nice, then do it. You don't sound like the kind that will say something bad about her family, and that's good. Just be there for your guy, talking to him and telling him that everything will be fine. It's a shock for him too! Let me know if you want to talk further!
2006-10-12 03:32:14 · answer #7 · answered by Charmaine V 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
at least you found out about it early, I got a six year old surprise from my X husband after 4 years together. it is a little sad that yours wont be his first (if it goes that far) and he will be supporting this child for at least another 13 years, if not longer, but DO NOT LET THIS SCARE YOU AWAY. there are worse things that could happen, and you could (and probably will) grow to love this child dearly. go slow, but don't stop, at least not because of this.
2006-10-12 02:56:23 · answer #8 · answered by tigweldkat 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont think it would matter wheather he had 1 or 10 children if you two decide to have children it will be your and his first child together. He will still love that child more than the world.
2006-10-12 03:06:38 · answer #9 · answered by nicolaandjonny 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As long as it doesnot change the person your boyfriend is, does it matter? You will still be able to have children together, eventually. Having another child does not impact you in the slightest,but you do have to acknowledge that his daughter exists.
2006-10-12 02:54:05 · answer #10 · answered by A Good Guy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋