mom is controlling and hurtful?

Question

My mom and I have been butting heads since my Dad died 3 years ago. After he died, she gave me a journal she kept about every day he was in the hospital and what happened.
She talked about their life together on the night that he died. She mentioned that my sister smiled when she was a baby, my brother had dimples, and I was "the problem child".
It hurt me to read that because of the 3 of us, I have the most education, the best paying job, and a positive personality. I overcame alot of obstacles as the result of a stroke at birth, and have been quite successful in life.
What hurt me the most is that my dad had that image of me put in his head the night he died.
I know in my heart that Dad didnt share my mom's view of me, but it still hurts like hell. When I told my mom how it made me feel, she said "well you shouldn't have read the journal then" placing blame on me.
More of the same has happened since Dad died and I want her out of my life. Advice?? Can I divorce her and move on?

More on this... she told me that on the day I was born, she was scared to call my dad and tell him I had a stroke and I wasnt normal. She said that she saw another mom leave their baby at the hospital and she was glad when my dad just simply said "bring her home." Thank god he did or where would I be?
We have had a history where she criticizes me when she isnt feeling right about her life, and as much as I try to understand, it still hurts and I want the hurting to stop. I need to heal as this affects my other relationships and it isnt healthy. I have tried everything I can to have a relationship with her but she hates me.
She tries to control me and gets angry when I wont let her. She will agree to plans with me and then change them at the last minute for something else. If she was a "friend" I would have ended it long ago... but she's my MOM. I have tried for years to make her see how she affects me but nothing changes.
Any advice? Do I sever ties and try to heal and move forward??

Answer 1

it's quite rare for a mom to treat her child like that...did she always detest you (even before your dad died), or have you done something (be it right or wrong) she would never forgive?

If there's none, and she keep on doing things to hurt you, you can either leave her alone (move to another place), or talk things through again with her and this time, force her to fork out what's making her hating you so much?

Since you are already grown up, there's no need to suffer alone for that kind of nonsense, maybe she's under some kind of pressure after your dad died, but that doesn't mean she could abuse you mentally, it's just not right. And if you can't put it right in her, leave her and get your own life.

based on your additional info, I think the knot is in her heart during the time you got the stroke, somehow this has bothered her for many years, and she couldn't get it out. I also assumed your gentle character makes her even more daring to abuse you, here you are trying to make things better, when she just make use of that advantage to hurt you even more...

If you still want to try, go find some psychologist or professional or even welfare people, if your mum is willing to go along it would be better, but I doubt she will. Anyway, these professionals might have some professional advice into what or how you can help your mum and yourself, if not, just leave your mum.

I don't like to say this, but i think for all these years of she abusing and taking you for granted, she doesn't really deserve you to continue stay by herside. Still, we all know, she's your mum, there's the blood ties that can never be taken away, just remember you have your own life, and it won't be fair if you suffer too much under her unreasonable way of doing things, and affect your life, maybe your own family etc.

Answer 2

I am sorry to hear your pain.I am estranged from my mother for almost 10 yrs. ,not an easy choice. First let me say it is not about you, her feelings toward you have far more to do with her issues than yours.She probably doesn't have a clue how deeply this effects you and would not share your perspective. If she is the type who would be willing to go to family counselling ,go for it. otherwise my advice to you would be for you to get help coping yourself ,get out of her house,keep contact to topics that are not hot topics and know that she can only do things according to her perspective and parenting skills,the saying "i did better when i knew better" comes to mind.Do you really have the strength to deal with another loss right now? Even if the loss is felt for the mom you wish you had and not the one you do have,it is a difficult situation with the potential to bring more hurt,guilt and pain to both of you.My advice would be to gain some distance and perspective before you make a choice that can't be part of the whole solution.Good Luck

Answer 3

I am really sad at what you have gone through and are still experiencing. It's really hurtful to have a cruel parent. I had a mother who hated me and didn't want me in her house. She did something so horrendous to me that I didn't speak to or see her for 10 years and when I believed like an idiot that she had changed with time and her getting older, decided to start talking to her again. It was a mistake because she still hated me and she still hurt me. I haven't spoken to her or seen her in 6 years. I will say this to you. Leave your mother to herself. Let her have her hatred and contempt and let her keep it to herself. You won't suffer it if you are not around her. You can survive without your mother believe me. It's not a mothers love or support that you get from her but dislike and animosity. Go on with your life and find your peace. You will find that you don't need what isn't there.

Answer 4

you know what some women are just not cut out to be a mom ,if my mother would have treated me like that would have told her to go to hell in a heartbeat.you are old enough to take care of your self get away from her and don't look back make her know that you are sick of her treatment ofyou and let her know you know your dad was proud of you she will one day regret how she treated you ,most children treated the way you have been are the ones the parents will always count on the most

Answer 5

Forgive her for all that she has done, because all the harsh things she had said to you when you were young made you the person you are now, smart, hard-working and happy, you were able to overcome all of those hardships to become succesfull, (talk to her, ask her why she treats you that way)

Answer 6

Just be cold, frosty, and honest with her. If she asks whats with you just say "OH, I'm the problem Child or didn't you know." If she pushes on that just say "Well, you are the problem this child faces." A mother who would insult her own daughter this way deserves likewise.

Answer 7

yes, leave her, no one should deserve that, everyone has a right, and to me, parent has the responsibility to take care of her child and treat her well, not to torture her, even mentally, i know the feeling, you have to get out of it since you have grown up and have a choice of your own, you have to live your own life, decided by yourself, not her.