why doesnt my girlfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

Question

We have been together for going on 3 years. we have a 9 month old girl also. and since our daughter has been born the sex has been little to none. we may have sex once a month twice if im lucky. she gets so upset when i bring it up. its always my fault i mean its just horrible right now....we've talked about it and it just doesnt seem like its going to get better. i havent cheated on her....i have a full time job..she is in school we both split chores around the house. we spend all of our free time together but we just dont have sex. its not like i dont want to. we've argued about it so much that i just stopped bringing it up and just am trying to learn to deal with it. she'll tell me sometimes that she wants to "do it tonight" but it doesnt happen, and that leaves me so angry and irrated because she got my hopes up once again. its just very hard for me and im only 25 years old with a huge sex drive.....what do i do????

she wants to have another child so thats not the problem...she isnt going through post pardon...and she gets spoiled by me. i'll do anything for her. but the way i feel is, since she doesnt have a sex drive. then we dont have sex PERIOD. no mutual agreement. nothing its all up to her when we have sex and it isnt fair

Answer 1

talk with her again and suggest couples counseling . . .

it sounds like she's holding something back in her communications with you.

Answer 2

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. Our first year together was filled with fun and great sex. Most recently, I've lost the drive. He became unattractive because of the way he became. He wasn't romantic anymore, was more lazy, wasn't spontaneous, didn't compliment, paid attention more to the tv or music rather than to hang out...yet when in bed, he just wanted to do it. If this sounds similar to you, please change it. Add spontaneity and thrill, sex will come along.

I've watched a documentary how thrills and spontaneity really physically and emotionally change heart and sex drive. There is change and not a feeling of boredom.

Bring back mini memories of how it was back then.

I'm proud of you for not over doing it and persisting to have sex. When my boyfriend started to do the same, I wanted to do it more with him since he stopped asking...

It was annoying when he kept asking and showed frustration.

Keep it up and try not to think of it much. The more you think of it, the more you frustrate the both of you.

Notice how she may want sex when you're not even thinking of it?
Its cause you aren't trying so hard.

But yes...More spontaneity (and being more responsible is sexy) and don't try too hard to get it...

Answer 3

I am 23 years old & has a 10 month old baby girl. After giving birth things have changed alot. having a baby is a lot of work especially when you look after her/ him by yourself without help. Sex & love making becomes the least of your problems, because when you get to bed you would like to have enough rest before those night wake ups. We can all resolve this though, talk to your gf & tell her what this is doing to you. It might have an effect on your relationship later. work it out, but please don't pressurise her that much.

Answer 4

Your girlfriend is in "mommy mode" and NOTHING in the entire world matters more than her child.

When a woman gives birth that mother's brain rewires itself so she can take good care of the child. Her body produces more endorphins when she is taking care of that child then she ever got during sex (endorphins are hormones that run the pleasure drive). This isn't her wish, this is her body speaking and you have no chance of changing that; just as she has no chance of quieting your sex drive.

Women have a limited sex drive; it is all in the genes and a part of her body. Women can go for months without even have a thought of sex. On the other hand the best way for a male to survive is to breed quickly and as often as possible. The average teenage or adult male is thinking about sex at least 52% of the time (according to an episode of 20/20 on ABC aired Sept. 30, 2006). This is why men really NEED sex. It isn't because men are pigs it isn't because we are oversexed, in fact we are undersexed!

The most important survival instinct to a woman is to build a stable relationship in which she can raise her child. This is her primal drive and it affects every aspect of her life. A man can go for a day speaking only 20,000 words, while a woman would speak 70,000 (same episode of 20/20). This is because men can communicate on a simple level and relationships are not their ultimate primary motive. Women have to build that relationship, and they need to know about people to do it, so they talk. This explains everything from why they go to the bathroom in packs, to why they can talk on the phone for such a long time. It isn't because women are chatterboxes, or gossipmongers, it's because the only way to improve a relationship is to talk about it.

Two men can speak only a few dozen words to each other in a month and still consider themselves to be close friends. If two women tried that then the woman would KNOW that something was wrong and their friendship was in danger. They will want to know why the other woman isn't speaking to them, why they are shutting them out of their lives, and what did they do to deserve such poor treatment. They can do this all in the span of 5 minutes as well. This explains why woman are always wondering what a man is thinking, and what his motives are. The man isn’t telling her, he seems to be hiding this from her (he isn’t) and that is a big source of friction.

To ask a woman to do without conversation is like asking a man to do without sex. You are trying to deny them their primary motive in life. The biological directive that is forcing your desire for sex is every bit as strong as the one that is making her so devoted to her child. If she wants a taste of how you are feeling then put her in a situation where a stranger is threatening her child. Both drives are that STRONG. There is a biological reason (not to mention the huge psychological reasons) why a woman will kill to defend her child, she will do it with such rage that it will even shock her (same episode of 20/20).

You can’t help it you are second place in her life right now. The baby needs a lot of care and your girlfriend’s body has adjusted to make that happen. You can ask her for sex until you are blue in the face and she won’t want to have sex. She doesn’t feel the need for it and her natural instincts will tell her to spend that time with her child; these are the reactions of a normal healthy woman. Your reactions are those of a normal healthy man. You need to find a way to make her realize that your need for sex is so powerful. To a woman it is a great thing to do once in a while; to a man it is very close to a physical requirement. You will have to compromise and you will have to work it out. If you understand the biology involved then you will have a better chance of being able to look at it objectively, you may also understand each other’s point of view. You don’t know and can’t feel her need to care for her child; she can’t know or feel your desire for sex. You are going to have to be patient with her and take a lot of cold showers, but she needs to know that if you don’t get sexual relief then you are going to go INSANE. No “if’s, than’s or but’s” you are going to either go crazy with the desire and try to rape someone or you are going to do something as crazy as cheating. Both are clearly, insane acts. The only middle ground that I can see is if she lets you masturbate. I know it is a poor solution, but it is the only sane one, you physically need that relief. I would suggest a hooker, but that is illegal, and to a woman it is cheating—no doubt about it. I wouldn’t recommend going to a stripper club either, that is only going to remind you of what you can’t get right now.

Some of the people who have answered this question have a peice of the correct reasons, but most are only seeing it from their point of view. That's the key to the problem, you have to see the other's position and know why they have that position.

Get your girlfriend to read this first and then try and have a talk. Also you should both read my other answer.

Answer 5

I have carefully read yuour question. I feel that when you do sex with her, she is not satisfied sexualy. On the other hand she might have lost sex drive and she is no more interested in sex. Please consult some Doctor and ask him to administer some med foryour g/f so that she may become sexually active.

Answer 6

Set her down tell her you wanna talk like ADLUTS for her to just listen and explane how your feeling ask her whats really going on with her and what ever it is you want to know so you can try and fix it if possible.

Oh and congrads on the baby.

Answer 7

Could be post-partum depression? It happens sometimes. Did your girlfriend gain alot of weight during the pregnancy. Sometimes women do not feel attractive if they are fat. She needs to get to a doctor and get checked out.

Answer 8

maybe having a kid left her with a scare of having sex. maybe she doesnt feel attractive anymore. do you compliment her? do you let her know she is beautiful and sexy to you? or do you just say i am horny lets do it?
if there is stress in the relationship or in her personal life this affects a womans sex drive.

Answer 9

It sounds like she doesn't want another kid. The only way to make certain of that is to not have sex anymore.

Answer 10

It happens sometimes after motherhood. Your love ,affection and patience will solve the problem.