What to do about daughter's bad choices?

Question

My 23 yr old daughter broke up with her looser boyfriend three months ago. When I say looser, I mean, big time loser: he does not have a high school diploma, my daughter worked and supported him when they lived together, his big goal in life over the past several years has been to try to collect social security for a faked back injury from a car accident. He's also hooked on pain killers. Shortly after they broke up she found out she was pregnant and he is the father. She decided to have the baby and not tell him. We have helped to support her financially since the break up. I have just found out she has gone back with him. and my heart is broken and sick. Do I want to even meet my grandchild? This guy has already screwed up one kid, and will surely screw up my grandchild. Should I take away the cell phone I gave her and pay the monthly charge for? I gave her a car which is still in my name. Should I take it back? The last car she had, she let him drive and he drove it into the ground

Answer 1

Hello. I'm very sorry to hear of the heartache you are having over your daughters life. I know how it feels to worry about your daughter and her well being. It sounds like this is a guy who doesn't want anything out of life yet. Maybe its not too late for him to grow up. You mentioned that your daughter was 23 years old so its obvious that you can not make choices for her. My heart goes out for you in a situation like this because you want whats best for her and she can't seem to understand that. Honey when you have done all you can to raise your daughter right, instilled moral values in her, taught her right from wrong, there is only one thing you can do at this point and that is pray for her. Please don't get so upset with her over her bad choices that it destroys your relationship with her. Sounds like you are already building up bitterness inside you from the statement you made about your grandchild and the taking away of the things you gave her. Why hurt your daughter and grandchild because of this. A mothers love is very deep regardless as to what her child does. Just try sitting down with her and explain to her how bad it hurts you to see her going through the unnecessary changes in her life. Don't take away the cell and the car, she needs those things. The last thing you'd want to see is your daughter completely helpless. If you take away those things then she's completely helpless and will have to depend on others who may not be their for her. She's the one who has to live her life, you on the other hand ask God to give you the strength to get through this ordeal. Whatever you do, pray, have faith, and believe God that He would open up your daughters eyes and get her on the right path. Let me say once again, please don't let the mother and daughter relationship be destroyed over her choices. You both need each other and more importantly, please think about the innocent grandchildren. They need to see love, not hatred or bitterness. I pray this advice will be of a help to you.

Answer 2

Well you definately want to know your grandchild,you might be all the kid has that's stable one day if your daughter keeps staying with this guy. As far as the cell phone and car, don't help her anymore if she's going to stay with this looser and make sure you let her know that's why you don't want to help her out anymore. Also let her know that you will always be there for her and that baby.Don't give her a car, if she needs a way to take the baby to the Dr's or something like that then give her a ride, then you don't have to worry about that looser using the car.You see what I mean?You can still be there for her and the baby without having to help the looser boyfriend out to.

Answer 3

I sooo feel your pain. And it's just so sad to think that your daughter isn't using her head. I mean, the guy's no good at all and your daughter doesn't see how sooo lucky she is to have a mother like you! The only thing you can do for her is pray. Pray that she'll be enlightened to know that she has such a very wonderful mother who's supportive of her. Pray that she'll use her brain. Pray that she'll make the right choices in life. About the cellphone, don't take it back, but let her pay the monthly charge for it. About the car, don't take it back but talk to her that if something happens to the car again, you won't give her anything anymore. I hope that helps. :-)

Answer 4

Thank goodness my oldest is 13. I feel for you. She made her choice so let her deal with the consequences. I would take the cell phone or at least make her pay for it. She has a job right? Get the car out of your name make them pay you for that as well. You had to pay for it right. With a baby coming they had better get used to being responsible. And yes you want to be a part of you grandchild's life. You are just mad and frustrated right now. You can still love and be there for your daughter even if you don't agree with her choices. She needs to make her mistakes, it's her life. I know that it is hard but she is a grown up you can't make her do what you want.

Answer 5

Oh Honey I know how u feel . I have a 19 yr old daughter who is pregnent by her loser boyfreind. Before I knew she was prego I told her to either get a job or get out.She was using y house as a flop house . She graduated in June and hasnt done nothing but party since. Well she chose to move out and my Aunt allowed her to move in with her. Then she drops the prego bomb. Now her and her bf who says he was injured in a car accident are living off my stupid aunt who I told this would happen . I told her to tell my daughter to get a job and get out. Andthat bf she go live off his own family members.Anyways they dont listen they think they know it all. My daughter keeps telling me shes grown so let her be grown. Dont come running to me when playing house becomes too real and u cant hang. If I were u I would stop paying for everything for her. They need to learn the consequences of their bad choices. Since your giving if she wants to take she has to follow your rules. If she dont want to follow your rules which is her choice as an adult then it should be your choice to no longer foot the bill for her. Especially if she allows the bf to use the phone , drive the car, etc. Put your foot down. Tough Love is hard I know I have shed many a tear over my own girl but if you dont teach them now when r they gonna learn? And what will they do when were gone?I

Answer 6

Question you need to ask yourself is do you want to lose your daughter over some butthole? If you take back the car and the phone she may feel that you are not on your side and it will make her cling to loserboy even MORE! Also, I'm sure you want to see your grandchild. My advice: try to keep the communication open with your daughter because if she left him before she will leave him again (hopefully) because whether she knows it or not she needs your love and support. You may not be able to give your support but you can give your love.

Answer 7

Sounds like a loser! (the boyfriend i mean) I think you should talk to her about it and let her see what kind of a choice she is making and tell her how it well effect the baby and her relationship with you and the rest of her family. As for the cell phone and the car take them back or have them put in her name, let her know you won't be responsible for the payments. As for the kid, i agree that you should see it and let it have a chance at a normal life.
Hope all goes well.

Answer 8

So, she's 23, and she has mommy's car and mommy's cell phone? Are you sure you want to chastise her for her choices when you're enabling her?

I mean, you said you supported her financially, but you just found out she's gotten back with the deadbeat dad...so you're helping pay for her room and board too? No decision she makes is going to have any real consequence in the bubble you've put her in.

That doesn't mean kick her out on the street. But if you're going to help financially, that has to come with some sort of price. She may be an adult, but she's not acting like it, and it's not up to mommy to bail her out all the time, either.

Is it going to be hard? Sure. She's used to one type of treatment, and she will be facing a totally different type. But she's got to grow up sometime.

Answer 9

Stop paying the cellphone bill. If you don't need the car, then make her put it in her name. If you want the car, then get it back. Tell her the truth and give her some logical choices. You probably need to at least see your grandchild to show him/her some type of normalcy in a family.

Answer 10

As a former daughter who made bad choices I know the only thing that helped me was that my mother prayed for me every day. You do need to cut off all that you supply to her because if she is old enough to have a child and make the decision to support a user/loser, she is old enough to do it without help from mommy. My parents took away my car, my credit card and kicked me out of the house (I was younger) - it was a real wake-up call for me. Pray for her and pray for your unborn grandchild. PRAYER WORKS!