Should I Change my Last name just because he wants me to?

Question

I am getting married this Saturday, and my fiance is having a cow because I haven't done anything about changing my last name. He got quite upset with me when I mentioned that I might use a hyphen and keep both names, and all that stuff.

Should I do what I want, or what he wants me to do?

It's not that I don't plan to take his name. But I am proud of what my family has stood for, and since my father has no sons, I want to keep it, even as a married woman. Any children we will have would of course have his name, but I'd like to hold on to my last name, as I feel it is a part of me. His name will also be a part of me, so why not take on both?
Having a hyphen between the two seems like a symbol of our union. Two people becoming one. Does that make any sense?

Oh, and he's been a total Groomzilla the past week. He had a cow when I told him that there was a chance that two of the bridesmaids wouldn't be able to wear the same color dress as the others, because none of the stores had them in that color and size. I really didn't care, as long as they looked nice and had a good time and were comfortable.

The bad thing with using my maiden name as a middle name is, I already have two middle names that were given to me at birth..

And if I wasn't in this for the long haul, I would've left him when he almost died, and had to have a liver transplant.

Answer 1

You should do what you want to do.

Firstly, do NOT change your name in any way until after the honeymoon. Your maiden name is on the plane tickets, passport (if you have one), etc.

Secondly, YOU'RE the one who has to go by it.

My fiance has been very supportive of my "name crisis," since my first and middle names are both in the top 10 most common names, and his last name is in the top 15 most common--a big leap from my current surname's ranking of 20,000+! You need to tell him why your current name is important to you. Also, it may help if you tell him you would be glad to let your future children's friends call you Mrs. Hislastname, if you're okay with that.

Not wanting his last name has nothing to do with how much you love him. It has to do with keeping your individuality. The tradition of changing names comes from a time when women were "property," which is no longer the case. I'm all for both people hyphenating or creating a last name for themselves, personally.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Congratulations to you. Your soon to be husband needs to relax. You guys should have discussed that a while back. It sounds like to me that your fiance is being unreasonable. There is nothing wrong with Hyphenating your name. You will still have his and yours. In most cases they will use the first name that will appear in anything you will need to fill out. Maybe that's why your fiance is feeling affended. Do what you want what can live with. If you know it's not that big of a deal to take his last name then do that. Sounds like you want to keep yours explain to him your reasons for using the hyphen. Good luck. Thanks for the points.

Answer 3

I think an important thing to understand about this whole subject is why it is important to a man to have his wife name changed. When you are single and dating around everyone knows your name, when you get married you are taking yourself off the market and declaring to the world that you are officially done dating, and that you are no longer available. When your fiance says he wants you to change your name, he doesn't mean that he doesn't like yours or anything silly like that, he just wants you to be proud of the fact that you are married and he wants everyone to know you are his wife. I believe the reason that this happens instead of the other way around is because in our society it is usually the man pursuing the woman, so when a woman changes her name it is in effect putting herself officially out of bounds. Now having said all that gibberish, if it is a big deal to you then I would go with the hyphen. What you need to do, however, is sit down with your fiance and talk it over so he knows that the reason has nothing to do with him. You also might think of giving your maiden name to one of your kids as a middle name.

Answer 4

Personally, I think the whole hyphen name is a bad idea ... I just don't like it. But that's a personal choice. There was a couple here in my town that combined both their last names ... unusual, but it worked for them. If a woman want's to keep her last name, In my opinion, she should be able to. I would not hold that against a spouse.

My advice: Both of you come to an agreement. If you can't, then it's probably a bad idea to get married as problems bigger than this one will certainly arise.

Answer 5

No, don't do it just because he wants to - but think long and hard about why. I, too, struggled with this decision - being my own woman and all that, and my surname was well-known and we are all proud of it. However, hyphenating proves to be so problematic - especially for the children. Also, having children with a different last name than a parent is really confusing. I'm a teacher, so have encountered all of this. It's logistically difficult at times, and confusing for the children who don't feel they "belong" to one family because of different surnames.
I love my husband, and decided to take his last name. He did not make me. But he was open enough to say there should just be one last name, and if I did not take his, then he would change his last name to mine.
By the way, be nicer to your fiance, eh?

Answer 6

Its a good question, but I think you should just take his last name. Your marrying him, it's part of the territory.

I understand you are probably very proud of your maiden name and the family it stands for, I am too...VERY MUCH SO! but you do have to let it go since your getting married. You are starting a new family now. It sounds like maybe you are trying to be married with single perks.
Drop your middle name and use your maiden name there... I am gonna be Ashlie Sav*** McE*** I still will have my family name, but I am fully acknologing that I am married to him, and am starting a new family now. You can drop your middle names, My middle name is after my dad, who is like my fave person in the world, but so is my last name, so narrow um down!

Unless you are famous and have made millions off that name, their is no reason to hyphenate.

Answer 7

Perhaps his issue is not with WHAT you change it to but WHEN..... maybe he sees your lack of "ambition" to change it as a sign that you are getting cold feet... he could just be as nervous as you are!
Assure him that you will have your name change done (whether hyphenated or changed completely) when you are legally able (which will be after your return from the honeymoon). Or if you dont want to have your name changed at all, tell him WHY... he deserves to know - after all you are soon to be united for better or worse. You both need to work this out.

Answer 8

First of all, there's nothing you *can* do ahead of time to get the name change started anyway. Without producing a marriage certificate, you can't do anything to even start the process.

As for what you should do... you two ought to continue communicating about it until you've reached a compromise that you're both comfortable with. It's clearly not advisable for you to just disregard your spouse's feelings about the issue, nor is it advisable for you to disregard your own desires. Consider this your first problem to solve as a married couple.

Good luck.

Answer 9

A bit of background, changing your surname to your husband's surname apparently dates back to the days when a woman become the property of her husband on marriage. Married women had nor legal rights on their own but only through their husband (eg if a woman had the right to sue someone, she was not able to bring an action herself but the husband would have to do so). Thus changing your name is a symbol of traditions that are long outdated ...

This was one of the many factors I considered before deciding not to change my name on marriage. Like you, I have no brothers to carry on the family name so would like to keep it myself, despite the fact that my children will take my husband's surname. Also, it is a real hassle to change you name professionally as you've been known by a ceratin name for so long that, in reality, people your work with get confused when you change your name. Keeping my own name in no way means that I don't respect and love my husband but luckily my husband understands all of this and wasn't at all worried about it.

BTW while it is not really a concern of yours, to all the people that have said that you can't legally change your name after marriage, you obviously don't know what you're talking about. Anyone can change their name at any time to anything they want to. If you wanted to, you could change your surname to your partner's name at any time without ever having to marry him. As long as you go through the proper legal procedure (deed poll etc), it doesn't matter whether or not you're married to the person. A marriage certificate just gets around the legal procedure as a matter of proof (eg to change your name on your passport, a marriage certificate is enough to change it into your husband's surname but you can chance it to 'bananahammock' if you want to as long as you have the proper paperwork).

Answer 10

I personally think hyphening is perfectly ok. It makes the name longer, but it kinda indicates that you're now part of two families. Why does he not like that compromise? Or, if that doesn't work, maybe both of you can change your last names, as another compromise.