Can abusive guys ever change? answer if YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED an abusive relationship before..?

Question

I dated a guy for about 2 years and was physically abused for about 18 months. Its been about 6 months now since I've seen him becuase he moved to his Dad's house (long story). Even after we broke up we still talked on the phone all the time and had sex. Its been 4 months since I last spoke to him. I finally said **** it and over 2 days I had 326 missed calls from him. That was the last time he tried to contact me. I went through a time when I hated him and didn't even want to think of him existing. But recently he has been the only thing on my mind. It's true some of the time I went through hell with him, but other days were best experiences of my life. I want to call him and just see what he's up to and if his transition went smoothly. What should I do? Can abusive guys change for the better? Im not trying to get back with him, just be friends unless he seriously changes. I know he still thinks about me cuz his AIM password is still my name+anniversary date.

i didn't count his phone calls...my phone can display that info

Answer 1

do not contact him. And seriously consider some therapy for yourself. You seem flattered that he keeps your personal info as a password, which means you are checking up on him and you counted all his phone calls to you. You are addicted to the drama and if you talk to him again you will hook up with him again and you will be abused again. go to counseling and break this cycle.

Answer 2

You can not change him. It does not matter how many transitions he makes--transitions don't change people, just where they live or work...Transitions don't matter, transformations do. And moving into his dad's house is not a transformation. Transformations don't happen over night. They take a lot of time and effort on his part and show from the inside to out. He will still abuse you if he gets the opportunity so don't get all taken in by 326 missed calls which is creepy and a sign of his desperate behavior. I am seriously worried about you. For someone who has moved on, you are still way too concerned and way too connected to him. Don't talk to him so much and definitely don't have sex with him. To him (an abuser), sex would only send him the message that he owns your body. If you get in a new relationship in like the next four months, your new boyfriend will not like that some guy is crazy about you to call you as much as 326 times--whether it's during a day, week, or even a month. I think this guy does not want to or know how to let go, and you seem to be too at ease and making excuses, "I know he still cares..." I KNOW how this situation can turn. You had better be careful with this guy. He is the type that could end your life and his own. Goodness, you even think that you still had some of your BEST experiences with this violent maniac. He abused you mentally as well as physically and I say that in seriousness. Your best experiences will come when you find real love with a worthy and compatible person who shows you every day with words and actions drawn only from pure and true love.

Answer 3

I've read all the other advice and it seems to be right on the money (I'm sorry to say that it's not what you want to hear I know) I dated a man that drank jack and beat me up every night...It wasn't like that in the beginning...he just changed...It got so bad that the SWAT team was called to my house...(No, I am not making this up) There's a story behind it...but basically his drinking and his violent attitude was the cause of the situation...

In short...No he will never change...Since he has beaten you up in the past. Ask yourself....why would he want to change...Because he loves you..maybe he does...but people like him and my ex have problems that we can't fix...we can try and you know we do...but it's not meant to be...Are you serious that psycho called you 326 times?..that sounds like a borderline stalker to me. The reason he has been the only thing on your mind is because when you have sex with someone you release a chemical that makes you addicted to him...Women have this trait because 20,000 years ago it helped us stay with the men for protection..you should read National Geographic...that's where I found that info.. Just admit it you want to call him to have sex...Friends??? Come on now you know that's not true you are just trying to convince yourself that you are not going to let it turn into that kind of relationship again....It's not possible honey ...let it go...I know it feels like u failed but you weren't ever meant to succeed....People like him can't change...they will only bring you down..You deserve someone better... Takes some time off from dating and find yourself...You gotta luv yourself before you can love someone else...Just so you know my ex told me over 100 times that he will change or has changed and you know what? He lied...he never changed...one day I finally got some balls and called the cops and made them stand there while I packed my **** and took off...I haven't seen him in almost 2 years and I'm having the best time of my life...I can honestly say I'm happy right now... Do yourself a favor loose him get him out of your life forever...and change your damn password!!! Good luck girl...I hope you make the right decisions!!! you have a lot to make so get to it!

Answer 4

I feel for you. I know what its like to want someone back in your life, even if you know he's not good for you. I've spent many nights crying and praying that things could be different. But the truth is that men rarely change, and once a relationship has passed its better just to let it go. I wouldn't risk getting back into a relationship like that, its just not worth it. I know it hurts and its hard to move on, but it truly is the best decision you can make. I promise you that all the things you miss about this guy you can find in someone else and even more. There are actually men in this world that will worship the ground you walk on and give you the world. Don't settle for someone who has hurt you so much already. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Abusive guys rarely change. I have a boyfriend that was abusive and I went back to (twice) and even though they say they are going to try to change they can't do it on their own. There can be hope though...I have a friend that told me he was physically abusive to his girlfriend and he worked through it. It took two years of counseling and anger management classes for him to work through his issues. He is better now, but still sees a therapist one a week to make sure he never does anything like that again. So I believe it can happen, but it takes a LOT of hard work and the guy has to really want to change.

Answer 6

I was in an abusive marraige for far too long. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I was away from him for over 6 months. Those 326 missed calls? That's called obsession, and that's bad. Leave him alone, give yourself enough time to be able to look back clearly, and maybe even get some counseling. I wish you the best of luck, but please, cut him off.

Answer 7

Sweet heart, wake up. I am finally getting a devorce from the father of my 3 kids after 10 years of marriage. We have been through everything together and I have been abused and even went so far as to put him in jail. They dont change and I will tell u why, They dont truely want to change deep down.

He has made me the same promises so many times I have got them memorised by heart. I even told him that the only way I would ever give him another chance is if he got saved and went to church with me. God id the only one that can help people like him, but they have to want to change.He lived with my pastor and his wife for 3 years and when i finally took him back , praying to God that he was truely changed, bliss only lasted for about 3 weeks. I left him 3 more time after that and took him back many times.

Abusive guys can not change. They like the way that power makes them feel. It is not about hurting you or because they have anger problems either. It is because they are addicted to control. And it will esculate to murder eventually. I bet if you looked closely you are not his only victim. My husband targeted anyone that he thought was weak. His younger brother, my first child from a previousl relationship before we were married. He alcholic best friend. They are bullies to the 100th power that are capable of murder. Stay away from him. Dont waste your youth on him like I did. I feel so wasted... and it willl take me a long time to recover. You are still in that " I can love him to wellness phase". It won't work.

Feel free to contact me by email. Just click on my picture and send me your email add and then i will write to you and give you mine.

Answer 8

OK, listen to me very carefully. There is NOTHING you can do to change your ex. But yes, it is possible for them to change. My story is this:
I was married for almost 12 years and had 2 kids with someone. In a nutshell, we started doing things that were not smart or productive. He would get enraged at me and eventually, he started hitting me. Well, he HIT me... on about 6 different occasions. But it left bruises and it hurt. We got divorced. We were apart for 7 years. He found the Lord in that time period and 3 years ago, we reconciled. I have to tell you, I would have never believed it. If someone would have told me that my man would change completely and fall in love with the Lord and ME all over again, I would have laughed at them. But it happened. In the time we've been back together, he never has scared me. Never made me think he was going to get violent. He really has changed. We have a strong relationship now and it's based with honesty and trust. And most important, our foundation is in Christ.
So yea, it can happen. But I don't believe it really happens that often.
Good Luck to you.

Answer 9

It has been my experience that they do NOT change this behavior. I divorced my first husband over 25 years ago for violent behavior towards me. He recently beat up his current wife and she is divorcing his as well. Yes, I loved him and yes it was very hard leaving him, especially since we had children. But I got over it and married a nice man. You do the same, physical abuse does not stop simply because we want it to. Get out now before you have to flee for your very life as I had to do.

Peace.

Answer 10

yo u seem physco

how are u going to have his aim password
and he is dumb to have given to u

u ask this question so many time already


this is the situation
an abusive person could only change only if he or she
went for help on there own cuz they realixe they have problem
if they went to anger management there is hope

but if not
dont even bother they will continue to be abusive