How do I deal with a difficult Sister in Law?

Question

My single sister in law (brother's sis) came to visit and stayed 3 MONTHS. During that time she practically told me how to run my life. Everything I did was wrong. She even advised me how to raise my child (she has no children). I felt I bent over backwards for her during her stay - took her places and paid for everything but still it was not enough . Towards the end of her stay I had had it, I was physically, emotially and financially exhausted, and we left on bad terms. I felt used. She left the room she was staying in a pig sty. My husband says that I was in the wrong and that I should have made up for his sake before she left, he will always defend her actions. Now it's a constant topic of argument, even 3 weeks after she has left. I feel like she is haunting me and I know I should not let this issue consume our relationship but it is. I even hate hearing her name mentioned. How do I cope with this on a long term basis so I can come out with some dignity and grace.

Answer 1

kill her-- haha- actually dont. i dont wanna get like sued if you really do!

Answer 2

There is no other choice but to forgive. To do any less will wipe you out. You cannot harbor bad feelings toward and not have it affect everyone close to you.

But to forgive is not to invite one to walk all over you. You are the queen in your house, and you are in charge, not your sister-in-law. Tell her the way it is in a kind but firm voice. She can take it or leave it. The key is to stand your ground without getting emotional.

Three months is a ridiculously long time to call a "visit". That is 1/4 of the year. A visit should be no longer than a week or two at the very most. Long periods of people living in your home will only complicate your marriage and put a real strain on it.

Your husband is "dead wrong". It is the place of the husband to support his wife in all circumstances--PERIOD.

Your sister-in-law stayed her welcome and tried to mind all of your business. She owes you an apology. Only you know if you owe her one, but the bottom line is that you still have to forgive and put it behind you.

Answer 3

Seriously, I feel your pain. In-laws are a touchy subject, but you are going to have to suck it up and take the blame. I know how her evil ways are like straw under your fingernails, but you can't put your husband in the position where he basically has to 'take sides.' It is ruining your relationship and it's allowing the demon spawn sis in law to do even more damage!!!! Take the control away from her and just apologize or at least tell your hubby that you were wrong and then he will drop the issue...hopefully. I know you are probably feeling bitter bcuz your hubby should at least see your point of view and acknowledge that your actions were understandable, but that is expecting a little much from a man don't you think (hahahaha, just kidding, sort of) But let the bitterness stop and really, you know who the biotch was. Find another outlet for your anger towards her, anyone other than your husband... I am sure he knows her ways but it's "only ok if he says it" kind of thing.

Answer 4

Often times it is better to love people at a distance. I would just cut ties with her by gradually diminishing the contact you have with her. Then it will seem like you just grew apart naturally. I would not say anything else to her about her behavior I would just let it go. I had to do this with my own twin sister. I hate it and it took a lot to actually come to the place where I could do it. If you do not see her or talk to her throughout the year except a family functions it will be better for you. I would be willing to say your marriage is probably stronger and happier then hers. She is back biting out of jealousy. Just get away from her in a nice way so that when you have to be around her you can be civil and not let things build until you explode.

Answer 5

It is probably worth keeping on good terms with her, at least for your child's sake, having friendly Aunts and Uncles are good. You probably dont wantto avoid your husbands family entirely at Christmas or Thanksgiving. To start with work on damage limitation, don't let yourself get into arguements, and find ways to avoid talking about her.
It also sounds like you were not assertive for your needs in the relationship you had with her. Why did you let yourself pay for everything? Tell her money is tight with a child, and if she wanted to go somewhere she had to pay her way also or you'd plan something less expensive. It sounds you let her walk over you. A useful way to expres syour feeling with being confrontational is to say: When you say or do this, it makes me feel as if you don't care, don't realize how little money we have, etc... She can not argue with how you feel, and if she has any humanity she will try to adapt her behavior.
Once you have worked on your assrtiveness there is no reason why you can't build a reasonable relationship with her again.

Answer 6

You got to let your brother understand that you are not the type that will sit back and be used like this. Tell him this is just another form of abuse and that she was in your home not his when all occured. You set the ground rules for your home and they can set ground rules for theirs. What ever you do in your home is your business and she has no right to pass judgement on child rearing since you live with your child 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

Answer 7

That's a tough one. Because it's your husbands family, he will always be inclinded to defend them. So, that leaves you the bad one if you mention anything negative about his sister. Not fair, I know. I think you'll need to bite your tounge, and just 'put up with her' when you have to. It sounds like it's usually only temporary (although, 3 months is WAY too long to stay over)...If she choses to live her life in a way that is so rude, then this will come back to her one day. Ignore her comments about how to raise your children, or say something back to her like 'we'll see how you feel about that when you have your own one day'. You know what's best for your kids, so who cares if you just let her go right on thinking she does. She'll grow up one day...or maybe she won't, but you will come out the better person by just 'putting up with it'. I know it's hard, but it's not worth arguing with your husband about it for weeks on end. Just know that you are a better person, and it's sad that she's the way she is.

Answer 8

Three months is way too long for anyone to visit. Three weeks is a ong time but is bearable. If another of these "visits" comes along, there should be some ground rules set and agreed upon between you and your husband beforehand, and then discussed with the sister when she arrives.

You should make her feel welcome in your home but it sounds like you might have been too accommodating.

Answer 9

Communicate directly to her & tell her how you feel.
Tell her that what she said had hurt your feelings.
If she continues to degrade you & make you feel worthless - tell her point blank (whether related or not) - that you do want her to come over to your "home" again.
No one deserves to be made worthless (esp in their own house).
Tell your husband to back you up (not her) - you are his wife...
I would not want anything to do with someone if all they want to do is put me down & make me feel worthless.
Life is for living & to be enjoyed.
Who the hell is she to judge you anyhow? Tell her to clean up her own backyard before she judges anyone else?
I bet she has a lot of faults of her own (such as her "F'in" manners when she visits someone's house).
All the best.

Answer 10

I am assuming you mean your husband's sister.
If you want to end the argument with your husband I would sit him down and say you want to state your mind without interruption. Clearly explain things that happened between you and her before the whole argument and without name calling etc. Tell him maybe you did overdue it with the argument but whats done is done and you want it to no longer be something between you and him. BUT as much as you want him to hear your side, be prepared to hear his. But have that as the final say, agree to disagree (unless he is willing to understand your side and agree with you or vice versa) and let it go.

If she is feeding the fire by telling him how "awful" you were or arguing with you still.... maybe there is a talk needed between the ladies as to how each of you felt (similar to the one with your husband). Then let it be, you spoke your mind, they did theirs, not everyone will agree. Good Luck.

Answer 11

She did take advantage of you...big time. Your husband needs to stop defending her, and be more understanding of your feelings. just try to put the bad experience behind you and move on with your life. If you let it bother you, it will consume you. Good luck.