Children and punishments ~ what works?

Question

Okay I'm a fairly easy going mum, I do however set rules and I make my children do chores ... my kids are 11,9 and 8.

But my Eldest and Youngest have a HUGE problem with being told what to do, or being given punishments, yep mostly normal of no I'm not doing it, what you gonna do about it etc.

Now I think I am probably the problem becuae they do not do this to my husband, but I kinda feel they control me rather than vice versa.

Example .. my eldest has a huge temper problem, and recently severed his tendons in his wrist because he punched a glass door in temper .. now I have tried everything, I have social services involved to try and help him, I have a youth program involved to try and help him, I set him rules, I give him punishments, usually grounding (doesn't work) or removing items from his room, but he isn't bothered about anything at all.

anyone else going through similar and can give some suggestions?

Please no spanking or harsh punishment answers ... I'm not gonna do that! ... real sensible ideal solutions please.

I have tried mild spanking with my 11 year old, the only thing that happens is his temper increases, and he gets more violent, and I really don't wanna lose my temper on him, that wouldn't be wise for either of us.

I am not against spanking, but he is very very volitile and violent and it makes me more angry when he starts smashing things up or hitting the hell outta his brother and sister, which is why I need a non violent solution to this.

Purple ... I have all the people involved in this I can, therapists, social services, youth prevention, rspcc non of which is helping him at all, he is getting worse rather than better, which is why I am asking if anyone is in a similar situation. I don't want to see harm come to my son, and I don't want to see him harm anyone else.

You are all giving great advice ... I don't as a rule shout (scream) at the kids, but obviously sometimes it happens, spanking does not work on an 11 year old, I have tried the removing things from his room (at one point he only had a bed in his room nothing else) I have tried grounding him, which includes tvs, and computers ... I'm at a loss of what to do with him, I love him to death, but I need to get control back, and well I sure as hell don't know how to do it with him.

Yes I praise them contantly when they are good, or doing good things ... Or even when they are not doing so good things but not being naughty I spend time joining in what they are doing and do activities with them ... blah I don't know, I'm not a child psychologist or the best parent in the world, but there must be something I can do.

Answer 1

Oh yes, I have had that problem with my children as well. My children are a little bit older though but when they were around that age what I did was I would take privileges away. That actually works real good for me now that they are in their early teens. They always want me to take them here and there and have friends over. I would also send them to the top of the stairs, where I could see them and make them stand up there for a determined amount of time. The worse the crime the longer the time they had to stand. I would tell them that they had to think hard about what they did and why they think they are being punished. After their time standing was up they had to explain their actions to me. They really hated to stand up there and then having to explain. I found that that was a real effective way of disciplining them. I would also give them the silent treatment if I was really mad at what they did. Making them feel really guilty. I would never send them to their room where I didn't know what they would be doing. They have too many hand held entertainment gadgets to keep them busy. I don't think sending them to their rooms was any kind of punishment at all. Hitting and yelling at children just shows them that you are out of control so I do not believe in hitting either. I hope this helps and Best of Luck to you!

Answer 2

i have a 10.5 year old boy 8.5 year old girl BOTH RAISED the same exact way BOTH very different kids. My son is easy going and obeys rules almost always. My daughter however is very difficult she has spit on my mom before she kicks punches YELLS stomps throws things has pulled hair. Me and her dad have NEVER spanked her with a belt or any such thing WE will smack her butt take away her toys or her hamster. She got so bad in the last 2 years she's been in the hospital 5 times for getting out of control. She was diagnosed with bi polar and ADHD and a defiant disorder. She is currently on new meds. She was becoming a danger to her self and has ever broke her foot kicking the walls WHEN A KID IS HURTING THEM SELF they need to be put in the hospital and have a mental evaluation done. I highly suggest you do that before he gets suicidal or hurts someone else. We are currently trying a reward method where she gets token for good behavior and earns things like what to make 4 dinner extra t/v time a day with no chores stuff like that it is working well so far. MENTAL ILLNESS is a real disorder it should not be ignored with kids will be kids stuff those kids can grow into dangerous brutal adults when a problem is left unattended,

Answer 3

I would say if you want to punish your children in a non-violent way you need to know them well - think about what they like the most, I'm going to take a guess and say video games/ tv, etc. If your boy's misbehaving, go ahead and take his Nintendo DS or PSP or whatever. Banning the internet is easy to do, or taking his MP3 player, all very effective ways as these are the things I've found are most important in a kids life.

If none of these things are suitable then I guess taking something else he likes to do, erm...football, or skateboarding, etc (without knowing it's difficult to come up with ideas.) You also need to be tough and stick with this punishment, if you crack or show weakness he will realise and use it to his advantage.

Oooh and try watching supernanny, as it's really very good and has some good ideas to do with violent or temper-tantrum kids :)

Have you tried talking to your boy and asking why he feels he has to resort to violence instead of talking? Don't mean to sound patronising just throwing things out there :)

Answer 4

I don't believe in spanking an 11 year old.

It sounds quite severe considering your 11 year old sounds violent. This is an age for him when this temper could damage the rest of his development into his teens. Have you thought about seeing a family therapist? It could do you and your family the world of good.

Answer 5

you need to buckle down adn lay down the law get strict and if they don't like it tough
o yeah replace your glass windows with plexi glass ones so he can't run his hand throw it
um try to put him in activities with his friends if they make him happy if not don't the more you push him to get in to things
do you give your kids allowances ?
if you do take them away and then when they start acting right give it back but not as much as before because you are trying to teach them a lesson
and if you don't give them an allowance then start and give them a littleand then go up when they do things they don't have to they listen to you and ect.
now we can get to the young ones since they are about the same age then keep their rules kind of the same but give the 9 yr old atleast one priveledge the 8 yr old don't have and give them real responsabilties
maybe if you like get on his good side and play around with him and start to like let his friends over after his homework is done and let them have fun and go out for a while then do that .im pretty sure this will help you ma'am
o you could let him start like a journal/scrapbook/skect book to put down his thought feelings and ect. then look at it every week and see if there is aproblem you can help him with do the same with your younger ones too
lay off all the therapists and other people
this is just creating stress and extra drama in his life so lay off them and let him help himself to recover for a couple days to a week and let him be the one to decide which one helped him the most
vote me #1 if this helps

Answer 6

try the hug restraint, its a hug and a restraint at the same time! when he gets angry put your arms round his and sit him down, then wrap your legs around his. tell him that this will happen until he has calmed down and every time he shows signs of getting angry!!

do not give in by letting him go before he is totally calm, he will eventually appreciate the affection that he is getting with the hug!

also try to set some time aside just for the 2 of you doing something that you both enjoy, he may feel left out if the other kids are hogging all your time!

good luck!

Answer 7

I found that if my daughter didn't respect my wishes, I denied her any services I usually provide, clean clothes, cooking, driving her places, when she got tired of sandwiches and staying at home in dirty clothes then she was ready to listen about respecting. I was after all the adult. He may need counseling to find out what he is so angry about. Children feel more secure with boundries. How does your husband treating you? Is he just mirroring his attitude. I had that problem with my Ex.

Answer 8

OK, then, don't spank your kids and use harsh punishments. I did. In the meantime, I'm enjoying pleasant, respectful, age-appropriately mannered teenagers who excel in school. You're writing on here asking other people to fix the mess you created. Go figure.

Answer 9

Seems as if he is another hooligan in the making, get him to a psychiatrist I would think. Seriously I think we all went through a similar stage at that age or through our teens, we did grow out of it eventually so there's hope for him yet. Good luck.

Answer 10

I have been a kid and teen mentor most of my life even working with organizations. And I raised to fine young men.

Don't spank, you don't really need to. Praise is a wonderful way to get kids to do what you want. Also all kids what is your time and plenty of it. If they comply with their chores, do as you say, be kind to each other and others, and respect you and your athority reward them without them realizing it. In other words, when they are good do something special with them one on one like bake cookies together, play computer games with them, let them do something that they think is grown up (like washing the car or teaching them to paint the dog house). Kids respect you more and what to do what you say when:
You treat them like adults (not little kids). It works.
Talk to them like adults
Give them some adult responsibilities (they won't believe it)
Trust them and respect them too.
Never talk down to them or rudely

Try it. Your kids will think you just lost it. At first they will not know how to act, then as it sinks in that you have changed and they your realtionship with them has changed they will be happier and do more to please you.

Parents have always asked me why kids like and respect me so much and I tell them. I not only treat them human but I also try to treat them at least 2-3 yrs older than they are. Kids smile more and want to please. It is the old adage that negative (bad) attention is better than no attention. So spend quality time with your kids (separately when possible so they feel important in their own individual way).
Never take items away like TV games Ipod etc. They get used to life without them and then you lose your power with them. I hate to hear parent use the word "GROUNDED". There should be no such thing. It does not work in the long term. If you use it lose it.
For teens you treat them like adults and talk to them like adults and slowly give them more and more freedom. If they take advantage of that freedom pull back slightly. They will learn to please you if they like their freedom. An example: When my boys wanted to date their curfew (mine for them) was midnight on the weekend. I reminded them on the way out. If they did not return exactly by midnight I deducted an hour off their next time out. They got the picture real fast. (take into account if they call and have a problem).
If your teen is acting out and has anger you may want to get him into an anger management program. It helps and you can find them through youth or teen organizations. Teens can be full of anger for many reasons usually ones hidden to his parents. Here are some:
being picked on at school or he is the bully at school
preasure to suceed (school or socially)
lack of freedom for his age
drugs or alcohol problems (this is a biggie)
hates his home life (your too permissive)
does not know how to vent his feeling is an appropriate way
has low self esteem

If any of these are the problem you can work on it without him knowing what you are doing. Please pick up books on parenting a teen (even tough love) and read as much as possible. It will even help with the other two. There are also parenting classes that give you some great ideas that really work.

Get tough and do not be permissive. All kids like guidelines and they like to know the consequences when they cross them. You are their leader you make the calls.
And give love love and more love. Good Luck