I dated a guy for about 2 years and was physically abused for about 18 months. Its been about 6 months now since I've seen him becuase he moved to his Dad's house (long story). Even after we broke up we still talked on the phone all the time and had sex. Its been 4 months since I last spoke to him. I finally said **** it and over 2 days I had 326 missed calls from him. That was the last time he tried to contact me. I went through a time when I hated him and didn't even want to think of him existing. But recently he has been the only thing on my mind. It's true some of the time I went through hell with him, but other days were best experiences of my life. I want to call him and just see what he's up to and if his transition went smoothly. What should I do? Can abusive guys change for the better? Im not trying to get back with him, just be friends unless he seriously changes. I know he still thinks about me cuz his AIM sn is still my name+anniversary date.
2006-10-11 11:52:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I meant to say his AIM password is my name+anniversary not AIM sn
2006-10-11 11:53:49 · update #1
You need to seek some psychiatric help
2006-10-11 11:56:02 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My thinking would run like this: You have been thinking about him so much lately because you are ready to focus on the how of your own allowing yourself to be abused for so long a time (please, don't feel insulted since I allowed myself, married to an abuser, to continue being abused for several years after I had a name to call what was being done to me until I finally recognized that if he hadn't changed in all that time he wasn't likely to change). In my area there was a local Abuse Counseling and Treatment phone number I could call and speak with someone who was trained in the abuse cycles -- try to find something like that where you are.)
In my own experience (I was sure I could handle contact before 6 months was up and did spend time with my abuser, only to find I wasn't much better at avoiding being abused in any way.... Give yourself a full year and get some kind of co-dependence counseling or abuse counseling, but keep yourself unattached during that time so your head has a chance to settle and recognize the healthy style of relationship you would sooner be involved with.
It really doesn't matter what "he" does or thinks -- and it doesn't matter that some of your time with him was heaven-on-earth -- only 5% of abusers ever stop the abuse cycle. So the others who have told you to go ahead IF you want to end up dead had good points. No, he doesn't mean it, no, he may not stop loving you and thinking of you, but yes, he will do the same abusive things over and over again until he makes the big mistake of killing you in one of his tantrums. Best, now that you are out of it that you stay clear of him, look for others for giving and receiving friendship, recognize that the move that took him away was your best chance of leaving an abused way of life behind you.
2006-10-11 19:27:55 · answer #2 · answered by Charlee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave him alone. Don't contact him. Don't talk to him. The fact that he called you 300+ times in 2 days tells you he is a classic abuser. If you asked him, he'd probably say he doesn't have a problem. I have a child with an abusive man. And if it weren't for my son's right to know his dad, I'd never speak to or see him again.
If you see this guy in passing, be polite and say hello. But by no means should you be friends with this guy. Doing so may make him think that what he did to you was ok, and it wasn't by any means.
2006-10-11 19:01:12 · answer #3 · answered by Meesh 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Anyone can change for better or worse but men very rarely do without motivation. If he was physically abusive and he hasn't gotten therapy he will be so again. It's an instictive behavior, you can't just decide to stop doing it. It's entirely likely that he'll restrain himself but it's inecvitable that he'll reach that limit because you will enable that abuse just as you did before. The question you need to ask is why you're attracted to a man who hits you. It's possible that you require conflict and violence to make yourself comfortable. I'd suggest you look into BDSM, it could be a healthy outlet for the power issues you and your Ex have in your lives.
2006-10-11 19:03:41 · answer #4 · answered by W0LF 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't believe you need to seek help for what you are feeling. But there is one thing I should say. People who are in abusive relationships are either the abuser, or submissive. You happen to be the type of person who is easily controlled. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, I am that way too. But you need to do something for yourself. Ask yourself, will your life even benefit from having him as a friend? You should be surrounding yourself with people who treat you right and make you happy. Yes you loved him, but he abused that love. A second chance is not worth it!! Not even as a friend!
2006-10-11 19:02:13 · answer #5 · answered by ladyophelia7777 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very disfunctional and you two are a possible Jerry Springer or Maury episode.
He abused me for 18 months and treated me like garbage; sounds magical.
You need to move on or you deserve what you get. Have some self respect.
2006-10-11 19:02:36 · answer #6 · answered by Ice4444 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO!!!! People can change yes but don't put yourself in a situation where he can abuse you again. NO FRIENDS...NO BUDDY...NO NOTHING. He will promise you all these things in the world...guess...in that same world...there are guys who will never abuse you. It may sound harsh but listen: your situation is like a dog pooping and now you want to go and smell it. Go wipe your hands and face and find a new dog to play with.
2006-10-11 18:59:01 · answer #7 · answered by Anoited 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
all i can tell you is if u truly love him just try to talk to him but i do now that when one person starts being abusive they need lots of physiological help in order not to do it again if you want to give him a chance just wait and see how he is doing what he has been up to, to see if he has changed or not.
2006-10-11 18:58:35 · answer #8 · answered by risuena 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Delete his AIM name, his phone number off of your phone, the whole works and dont look back...abusive guys NEVER change!
2006-10-11 18:55:20 · answer #9 · answered by cbeverly4u 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Move on. Have no contact with this man. The abuse will only increase.
2006-10-11 19:02:49 · answer #10 · answered by Tonya L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You must be kidding me right?
You need to forget about his @** and find somebody who really does appriciate you. Theres plenty of good men out there for you.
Abussive men don't ever change.
2006-10-11 19:01:43 · answer #11 · answered by Cynroddddddd 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋