For religion -- How to handle in-laws that want your child to do things even though it is against your will?

Question

Let me start by saying that both my Mother-in-Law (MIL) and I are Catholic. I allow my MIL to worship in her way but I expect that she allow me to worship in my way. For example, she makes us take communion from her (eucharistic minister) if we don't attend church on Sunday.

My MIL often does things that I disagree with in terms of the raising/influencing of my 13 month old. My MIL has a miniature Jesus "doll" in her kitchen that she makes my daughter kiss every time she walks into the kitchen. Additionally, she wears a crucifix around her neck and has my daugther kiss it every time she picks her up. She has insisted to me that my daughter (and any other children that I have) MUST go to Catholic school because her children did and that is the "right" thing to do. I am concerned about having more children at this point because I don't know how to communicate to my MIL that I don't want her to continue to do these things.

Please help!

Answer 1

hmmm, well you have to set boundaries with your mother in law, you and your husband both... you are both adults now, raising your children the way you both see fit.

I have experience with this one, and I know how frustrating this can be... I am already getting mad for you, but girlfriend, you and your husband have to stand your ground on this... you are going to visit your mother in law, not church in her house!

It isn't up to her to place demands on you whether you go to church or not she is not responsibile to keep you guys responsible for your own salvation.

It sounds like you need to distance yourselves from her, call less and visit less, uh I lived two houses up from my mother in law, she soon got the hint to back off when I stopped calling so much or coming over...
You and your husband are grown ups and its time to stop enabling your mother in laws behaviour, sorry to say but you have to get tough, who comes first, God or your mother in law... God in your lives and the way you worship Him has to come first not your mother in laws demands or wishes. You have to be united in your decisions with her and you both have to stand your ground with her. Kid gloves have to come off, but I am not saying be mean, just be firm and say your objections in a respectful manner, but hold firm.

you need to help her understand that she is a grand parent to your children, and a parent to adults not children who need guidance, you need to discover your faith with out her influence, and make mistakes and learn from them, if you choose to not to go to church, it isn't her that you should be making the time up with( it's not her business when and where , if you go, wht you do), it's God...

I would talk about this with your husband first, so the both of you together can approach your mother in law as a united front.

God Bless,
Shannon

It does get easier... had an argument with my mother in law about schooling as well, she'd slip sometimes and call my daughter " come to mom" meaning her...oooooh fumes would fly out of my head!!

Answer 2

Okay, I'm a protestant so some of the particular things I might say about Catholicism may not be germane to this answer.

But as a father and husband, my REAL answer is that you need to stand up for yourself as a daughter-in-law and STOP following your MIL's wishes without objection.

You are your daughter's mother...not your MIL. Whatever she things is the 'right' thing to do is great...but you're NOT bound by it. You don't mention your husband in this at all...should I presume he is either not in the picture, or is passive with regard to standing up for you?

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife". In a healthy marriage, there is a real and actual SEPARATION between households to allow the new marriage to build a real unity and foundation without the distraction and influence of the parents.

From what I understand of your post, this is the real root of the problem, not the incidental syndromes of religious practice that your're describing above.

Hope this helps, best to you.

Answer 3

You and your husband need to agree first on how to raise your child. He needs to be able to tell his mom how he feels. Ultimately the baby is yours and she needs to repect how you feel. It may hurt her feelings but she is a big girl and she will get over it. There is no way I would allow anyone- my mom, my MIL, anyone to have my child kiss a jesus doll or curcifix.But I am not religious at all. All I really would say, is that you and your husbabnd together decide how to raise your kids and where they go to school- no one else. If they can't deal with it tough luck for them. Your mom and your MIL had thier chance to raise kids now it is your turn. Just remember this when you kids have kids.

Answer 4

I have a Catholic MIL so you have my sympathies. I love her dearly but there were plenty of times when I was glad she didn’t live in the same state.
One question, how does your husband feel about all this? If he agrees with you, then perhaps you could let him talk to her or the 2 of you talk to her together.
I guess my approach would be: We’re glad you’re her grandmother. We’re happy you’re in her life, but our beliefs are a little different from yours so to keep her from getting all mixed up, we need to ask you to trust us as parents to teach her what is right. Trust us to do this our way.
Same with the school part, tell her as nicely as possible that as parents this has to be your decision.
Then if all this being really nice doesn’t work, be a little more forceful.
This is your child and you have to do what you feel is best for the child. But if at all possible you want to keep a good relationship with her grandmother. Kids need grandmothers too. Kids need all their extended family, but it gets to be difficult when they are trying to say how to raise YOUR child. Sometimes the mom gets forced into the position of playing diplomat, trying to keep peace while doing what’s best for your children.

The closest I ever came to really saying what I thought to my MIL, she said something about my husband, her son, and I said, I’m sure we can trace that back to having to go to Catholic school all those years.

A harsh Catholic school upbringing can breed a lot of atheists.

Answer 5

Your MIL seems to be a bit obscessive and controlling. You need to stand up for your beliefs, and have your husband grow a pair and support you in this. Does your MIL know about the commandment AGAINST idol worship?

She should back off a bit.

Answer 6

Sounds like mother-in-law wants to take over parenting for you! You need to remind her that she's a grandmother, and her job is to spoil the child, not raise it. Make it clear that you are the mother, and your decisions are not up for negotiations. She has absolutely no power as to what school your daughter will attend; indeed, as a grandparent, she has no paternal rights to your child whatsoever. In a nice way, you will need to establish this; as well, you definitely need to establish your authority over your child. As a last resort, let her know that she can either comply with your wishes, or not get to see her grandchild as often as she'd like. Being a good father sometimes means not being Grandma's best friend.

Answer 7

You first should talk to you husband. Express your opinions and feelings to him. How does he feel? Does he agree with his mother or you? If he two is of the same opinion as yourself, then it should be easy for the two of you to talk to her together. I am not of the catholic persuasion, but by God, if my MIL offered to pay for my child's schooling, whether it be catholic or any other religion I would take her up on that, but the choice should still be YOURS (The parents) ~ Not the grand parents. If her husband does not agree with you, but thinks his mother is right, then you need to get a new husband with some guts to stand up to his mom.

Answer 8

You really just have to do it. There's no easy way to confront someone about something that's important to both of you. Plan out what you want to say in advance, maybe even write up an outline, so that your argument won't be weakened by tripping over words. She's your daughter, and it's your choice how to raise her. Be firm but not insulting. Good luck

Answer 9

Your MIL is a borderline Fanatic that gives religions a bad name.
What are the consequences of going against what she says? Hopefully, she doesn't control things to that point.
I say raise your children the way you want, she has no legally binding authority over them, so really the only thing she has going for her is her fear factor over you. Don't let her do it.

Answer 10

This is a family conflict masquerading as a religion conflict. Your mother-in-law is wrestling with you over your husband's loyalties and your competence as a mother. You don't mention your husband, but I think you should get him to tell his mom to back off. Your kids can kiss her crucifix and Jesus as a game, but decisions about the children's schooling are not hers. Ultimately you and your husband control the children's schooling, activities, and access to their grandparents.

Answer 11

When in her house you have to live by her rules and expectations, within reason. It is argueably within reason for her to expect your child to practice religious dogma in her home.

However, when in your home, and with regards to how you raise your children she can have an opinion, but she has no right to intervene.

Tell her how you feel. If the things she does with your daughter in her home really bother you then ask your MIL to stop. Let her know that if she continues these practices you may curb your visits.

Good luck.