How to handle in-laws that want your child to do things even though it is against your will?

Question

Let me start by saying that both my Mother-in-Law (MIL) and I are Catholic. I allow my MIL to worship in her way but I expect that she allow me to worship in my way. For example, she makes us take communion from her (eucharistic minister) if we don't attend church on Sunday.

My MIL often does things that I disagree with in terms of the raising/influencing of my 13 month old. My MIL has a miniature Jesus "doll" in her kitchen that she makes my daughter kiss every time she walks into the kitchen. Additionally, she wears a crucifix around her neck and has my daugther kiss it every time she picks her up. She has insisted to me that my daughter (and any other children that I have) MUST go to Catholic school because her children did and that is the "right" thing to do. I am concerned about having more children at this point because I don't know how to communicate to my MIL that I don't want her to continue to do the things that she is doing in terms of religion with my daughter.

Help

Answer 1

First off I would talk with your husband and see if you both feel the same way. If y'all do then HE needs to bring up the subject with his mother on "y'all" views! Make sure he conveys that these are both your views.

If he does not agree, then you have a hard row to hoe. But talk to your priest. See if he and your MIL and yourself can sit down and he can pass on feelings that you have. Also once your daughter is old enough to understand, I would let her know your views and that she has a voice to. If SHE is not comfortable doing some of the things your MIL wants her to do, then she can say so also.

I would no matter what, sit down and speak with her and talk to her. Tell her how you feel and why you object to some of the things she is doing. Don't "preach" or make her see it your way..just inform her of YOUR beliefs and that this is YOUR child and that it is YOUR decision on how she is to be raised. If she does not agree and really gets up set..you may have to resort to not seeing her as much. Controlling IL can be very difficult. But if you don't nip this in the bud, they she will control more and more of your life little by little. You really need your husband on your side on issues.

Answer 2

Depending how close your MIL and your husband are is how you should handle the situation. I had a very controlling MIL. I wasn't as agressive as I am now, and she just took over. Your MIL sounds controlling, and if you don't get her understand that YOU are the mother, she will take over, and then it is too late. Even your kids won't listen or respect you anymore. Me, I'd move, but that may not be an option for you. You need to tell her very clearly, that your children will be raised your way. She'll be put off, but she will know then that she can't bully you. But then she may just try some passive agressive behavior and go behind your back. Make sure your husband knows your feelings. If he isn't too attached to mom, he can be a good go between.Tough situation, I REALLY do feel for you. Been there and don't ever want to go back...

Answer 3

Religion baised on tradition is hollow and without purpose. Thats what she's teaching your child. That some how these acts of respect towards objects influence her on a spiritual level.

Thats asinine.

You need to set up boundries. She might be a minister, but she is not the parent of these children. She's also not the final authority on all things relating to God and his ways. She's human and capable of mistakes, which means that all the efforts she made in raising her own children she did based on her own personal conviction to provide them with the best before God.

That said, you should do the same.

If Jesus was concerned with how many times your child kissed his likeness, or a crucifix it would go against his own teachings. He wants a one on one relationship with all people, not one based on religious acts and traditions of men.

You need to stand firm in what you believe, your mother in law has no more authority on the subject than you. You both recived the same salvation, and you both are guided by the same Holy Spirit. Knowledge is one thing, but your mother in law assuming she has some sort of right to decide how you should be convicted in your parenting is rediculous.

Set limits, tell her what you will and will not accept. You want your children to seek the approval of God, not a minister or man.

Answer 4

Well I'm not Catholic and neither is any of my family but it sounds like a similar feud that my sister is going through with her MIL. Her MIL has custody of her two oldest grandchildren and sends them to a private christian school because "it's better for education". She has raised her sons to think that if you have gone to a public school then you are basically dumb. But my sister decided to go ahead and send her little boy to the same school last year when he was 4 for kindergarten. Well he had so many rules and wasnt able to "be a child" and always got in trouble. So when he finished the school year there, my sister decided to take him out of that school and put him in public school this year. And guess what....they apparently didnt teach him anything that he needed to know in order to go to first grade. In the public school, you have to be able to read at a first grade level in order to be passed to first grade. He LOVES school now and is always reading stuff to us now.
I suggest you do as my sister did....set your MIL down and just tell her straight out that she has already raised her children and therefore have no say in how you choose to raise your child(ren). It sounds like she thinks she is very self righteous and everything is "her way or the highway" type of thing. Talk to your husband and ask him how he feels about it. You and your husband are the parents, not your MIL. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

First off, don't let your MIL get in the way of your having more children. It is YOUR and YOUR HUSBAND'S life, not hers. Ultimately what it comes down to is that it is YOUR child. She had a chance to raise her children, now it's your turn to raise YOUR children. It is really tough when you disagree strongly with your in-laws when it comes to children.
First talk with your husband about this, feel him out and let him know how much it bugs you and what you plan to say...then talk to the MIL about it respectfully and very NICELY. There is no doubt that she will at first get very offended by what you say, but she's probably not offended about the ways you want to raise your children, she is most likely offended because she feels as if you are telling her that her way is wrong(even though that may not be what you say). Tread lightly when you speak to her about this as everything will go straight back to the hubby.
After you finish your conversation it is important to report back to the husband right away about the conversation(what was actually said)..it's also important that he has your back if this ends up causing a huge problem.
The reason this is my advice is because my husband has children from another marriage. No biggie. But because him and his ex-wife divorced so early on in the childrens lifes(1 1/2 and 2) the MIL ended up taking the children a lot and making decisions as to what was best for the kids. The MIL also tends to be the type that thinks that ONLY her way is the best way for children and tends to "take-over" when children are around, even if mommy or daddy is there. The ex-wife had no problem with this because it was a free baby sitter for her, and well my husband never really knew what to do because he was on sea duty during most of the childrens lives up to that point. So when he would be visiting with his children at his moms house, his mom took care of them. So my MIL has some sort of sick relationship with my husbands ex-wife now and goes over to her house all the time and invites her and her new husband over for dinner all the time and does EVERYTHING the ex asks. My MIL even have given them furniture and a car. At this point, my MIL has offered care anytime for the ex's new child she has had with her new husband. My MIL even goes as far to still call the ex her daughter in law and the new child her grandson. This wouldn't be a problem with me except for the fact that this woman has screwed us over SO MANY times and dragged us through hell and back, but the MIL continues to have a loving relationship with the ex. So with all this craziness and animosity and how she seems to be trying to blend our families togethers(she calls the ex's new kid and I and her son's new kid brothers~???!!!!) I do not want my son around the ex's son. They aren't even related. My husband was on board with me for this one. Of course the MIL though once again that she knew what was best for the children. But I stood my ground and said that our son will not be around the ex's son. She got really mad and called me predgadist and said a whole bunch of other nasty sh*t. I think she expected me to give in or something. Anyways after that happened, my husband(her son) was on the phone with her for 2 hours...while she was still trying to argue the fact that the two were in fact brothers just because they both had the same sisters or something. And that we should be okay with this. I had to drill in my husbands head first that it is OUR child, OUR choice. Not his moms, no matter what she says or whether she knows best. This was not his mother's choice. It has been a little rough since but I'm sure we'll get over this hump. One thing for sure is that the MIL probably won't be trying to pull anything like that again for a long time. STAND YOUR GROUND NOW!!! sorry I went on for so long...................

Answer 6

How does your husband fit into this picture and did you consider what religion you were going to practise before you got married and had children? This is very important as you can now see. You need to tell your husband to tell his mother to back off that religious training should come from you and him. It is his mother therefore it is his problem.

Answer 7

You and your husband ought to agree first on a thank you to boost your newborn. He needs to have the means to tell his mom how he feels. finally the infant is yours and he or she needs to repect the form you sense. it may harm her emotions yet she is a huge female and he or she would be in a position to recover from it. there is not any way i could enable all of us- my mom, my MIL, all of us to have my newborn kiss a jesus doll or curcifix.yet i'm not non secular in any respect. All i in my view could say, is which you and your husbabnd mutually go with a thank you to boost your toddlers and the place they bypass to college- no one else. in the event that they are able to't manage it difficult success for them. Your mom and your MIL had thier danger to boost childrens now it is your turn. in simple terms remember this once you childrens have childrens.

Answer 8

this is you and your husbands child. NOT MIL. you and husband make the decisions on how you want to worship and influence your child. NOT MIL. your husband needs to get involved and gently but sternly talk to MIL explaining your feelings. if she does not comply, its up to you to not allow your child to go to MIL house unsupervised. drastic? yes and child is the one that is going to suffer by MIL refusal to comply with your wishes. but this is YOUR child and you and husband make the rules. period.

Answer 9

mybe catholic is different than other christianity but your not suppose to worship items your suppose to worship god,jesus mary whoever,so i can see your point just tell her your feelings i had to tell my own mom to back off when she got to pushy on how to raise my little girl so dont feel bad for voiceing your opionion its your little girl not hers to raise you know good luck with the pushy mil i can feel your pain!:)

Answer 10

Sit her down and tell her its your way or not at all...they are your children and yes you will raise them as catholics but it will be your way...as far as catholic school...that's for you and your husband to decide..not her.