How do I cope - part 2 ( serious replies please)?

Question

I am extremely grateful to each one of you for the support you have given me.I went to the Doctor this morning peering down my throat he found a growth and got me to get a MRI. As it turns out, the cancer has returned.The biggest problem is that during the course of my treatment, I received a massive dose of radiation( double of what a person can withstand in his whole life). My MRI was a must but under normal circumstances even an x-ray could prove fatal. Chemo is going to be of no help and there is no question of surgery. My treating doctor is very fond of me as it seems I liven up the hospital and is very frank with me. Now as it stands I have cancer, a time period to live, no voice, no food passage and still have the responsibilty to look after my mother, wife and two teenaged sons. I accepted the verdict very normally as I know there is nothing I or anyone can do. I have lived an extraordinary life and have no regrets. I have ensured that noone in the family will lack anything.

Adding to the above, financially they will live a very comfortable life but this has hit my wife and mother very badly and are refusing to accept the verdict. Guess women are like that. As I said I have lived life to its fullest and as my mother puts it - most people will have to reborn seven times and still not do half the things I have done in this one lifetime.
Any suggestions?

Adding to the above, financially they will live a very comfortable life but this has hit my wife and mother very badly and are refusing to accept the verdict. Guess women are like that. As I said I have lived life to its fullest and as my mother puts it - most people will have to reborn seven times and still not do half the things I have done in this one lifetime. I have played games on national level, I do horse riding , swimming, play all raquet games, I have modeled for Valentinos, I have travelled all over the world not once but a number of times. I have made money and lost money. I speak a number of langauges, love designer clothes and drive the very best of cars and bikes ( a SLK and a Hayabusa). I know it sounds crazy and unbelievable but honest to God - each word is true. I have kept my house in Spain and my apartment in London for my sons and am glad that I did invest in them.
I do not know how to tell my sons about this development as they worship me.
Any suggestions?

I have even written a book which has been published by Penguin called .'. for men may come and men may go...." and all the money we earn from the book goes towards kids with cancer.

One last thing - I am just 48 years old.

Answer 1

if i had half the guts that you have i would could confront anything.you are indeed a truly remarkable person.godbless.

Answer 2

Once again I say WOW!! I sit here trying to find the words to express my thoughts on your situation. I am so sorry your cancer has returned, I remember my dear father and each time he thought he was cancer free and it would pop back up in another place and the anger and fustration he would feel and the unfairness of it all. We had been seperated for 25 years (I didn't know where he was) and then when we did find each other it was a year later he was diagnosed with his first cancer and then it was 7 years of fighting it along with a heart attack and then I lost him. I say all that to say this:

If he had not fought the battle and stayed around for that long I would not have the wonderful memories I have of him or the family history I learned (as I lost my mom to cancer in my young adulthood). However there does come a time when the treatments can outweigh the benefits and only you will know when that time is right for you. But however you decide to fight your personal battle use what time you have to leave your family the most important thing you can-------your love, your memories, your legacy. It's great that you are such a responsible person and have made sure your family is financially provided for, however that is not what will get them thru the days, months and years to come------what will is knowing how much you loved them and being able to pull out the memories of you. Take lots of pictures and videos, talk to them on the videos, give them the guidance you would if you were with them.


As far as your wife and mother are concerned----as women we are programmed to love, protect, care and cherish those closest to us, we never voluntarily accept a verdict such as yours. We are eventually forced to accept it and then we don't do that well.
As far as your sons are concerned------speak the truth, they will respect and appreciate that you treat them as the young adults they are, and give them the chance to try and come to grips with the situation. It gives them the chance to decide how they want to spend their time with you.

Also give others in your family or community or church the chance to reach out and help you and your family. I know from being around the men in my family this is not an easy thing for you men to do----------but try---------you all need it.

You all will be in my prayers and thoughts. One last thought remember to tell your family everyday you love them, they will remember it for the rest of their lives.

Answer 3

Elizabeth Kubler Ross, a psychiatrist, wrote a book in the '70s about this very subject. She noted that in working with people (and their family) who have developed an illness that is fatal, and for which no effective treatment is available, there are a series of psychological and emotional stages which a person will have to navigate.

These are:

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

Not every person goes through all stages, and not necessarily in the order listed above. However, be patient and understanding and allow them the emotional space to deal with this situation. You may find yourself going through the same sort of reactions, and that is within the limits of normal behavior.

Some people will begin a journal to leave to their children and grandchildren, to help preserve their memory in the family.

If you have items of great importance or significance to you, and that you want specific members of your family to have after your body is no longer alive; think about what to do with those things now, before you are in your inevitable last days when your judgement may not be as good as it is now.

It sounds as though you have provided for your family and/or any charitable institutions already, but review that with an attorney who specializes or has frequent clients with the same problem.

Many people find solace and comfort in prayer, but certainly that is an individual decision. Can't hurt, might help is what I tell my patients.

If you are so inclined, seek out a minister, talk with friends you can trust, you have a right to be angry, but remember: No one leaves this world alive, and many who die have no choice at all in the matter.

Well, this is something to look at and possibly apply to your life circumstances.

Good Luck, and may you have the Peace of God which surpasses all human understanding. I give you my best thoughts of support and comfort.

Charles F. Johnson, MD

Answer 4

i am a nurse and i have breast cancer. I have been looking into clinical trials. I read one woman's story where she had has survived 15 years on clinical trials as her CA kept metastisizing other places. She kept trying new things and she is still here.I don't know how aggresive you wish to be with your treatment.Sounds like you have had a full life. However look in to clinical trials being offered if you want to be aggressive, otherwise my honest suggetion would be enjoy your family for whatever time you have left. I personally will not give up-I have too many things in my life I haven't done. You however have to decide when enough is enough. I wish you the very best and my prayers are with you and your family.

Answer 5

I am so sad that your cancer has returned. I was hoping you would be okay. When I was sick, I read "no death, no fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh. It helped. As a mother and a wife it would be very hard. You have been a good spouse, son and father, so I am glad you do not have a lot of fence mending to do. My thoughts are with you. I will wish for a miracle.

Answer 6

Hi Livingonthinice, I just finished reading your post; I am not sure what to say to you, except live the several moments you have in love and happiness. Indeed you have experienced a wonderful and magical life. You have done things that have touched and affected people on a global level. I pray that you and your family will find peace and comfort; and come to terms with your imminent departure. Please squeeze out every bit of happiness you can in the remaining days you have. Rather than ponder your death, please celebrate your life.Convey to your family the happiness and joy you have experienced. All of us will follow your path, we just do not know when, but it is guaranteed.

Answer 7

That is sooo sad. My husband passed on June 6th from lung cancer. He had it everywhere no symptoms was diagnosed March 20th. He was so brave never complained. You sound alot like him. He was 57. Went thru chemo radiation gamma knife and an experimental drug that cost $2950.00 a month. To no avail
I am still trying to cope it is soo hard. Its like he just disappeared from my life. Its a good thing we have children. God Bless you and your family you sound like a truly amazing man. Ill pray for you and your family.

Answer 8

I hope you understand that your statement is helping people like myself to learn how to cope also. I appreciate your last three sentences the most. YOU are a good person. YOU are loved by your family. This is beautiful. I hope that I can say the same at this point in my life. Remember, your strength is being passed on to us readers by you showing yourself to us. My heart goes out to you and your family. Just reading your story brought tears to my eyes.....and I'm on a public computer at school. I almost ran from your story. But by reading it, it gave me the strength to be a man and write to you. Whatever your believes our in your concept of "God", hold on to them. In my belief, God is with you, always. PEACE my friend.
Billie Watkins Jr. [phone] c

Answer 9

well...you seem coping really well...
May God bless you and give all the patience for you and your family ...
No matter how much time left try to live it to the best ...do what you like to do ...listen to your favorite music...watch your preferable show....and remember it is very natural if you get scared (it is human nature to be afraid from the unknown)...
and i suggest since you are coping so well to write letters for people just having the same issue as you do and let the Dr.keep them with him and when he will find someone in need to talk to someone who has similar experience he will hand your letters to them...what do you think?

Answer 10

don't give up on yourself. if you decide that you're not going to die of cancer, and make yourself believe it to the very core, you won't die. there's also a certain kind of vitamin c that will literally kill cancer cells. dr. linus pauling discovered it, and became discredited by the medical world because of his studies, because they can't afford for people to be able to have vitamin c kill cancer. it would eliminate the need for chemo and radiation, which are major money-makers. it sounds to me like you have nothing to lose, and trying it won't hurt you like the radiation did. good luck, and i wish you the best. if you would like, i can get you the exact name of the vitamin.

Answer 11

U r an extaordinary person...& peace is bursting from u're message......
I'm a med student..I've seen alot sick people.....& feel their sorrow...but u're story is overwelming...to me.....
I wish u the very best...& just "keep the faith"...........

if u're asking how to tell u're sons..this is a big challenge..& a very sensitive one...I think (in my point of view) the most important thing is the good memories..which i'm sure u share with them..........