Shouldn't you feed friends that you invite to your house on your dime?

Question

I was brought up understanding that when you have guests in your house, whether its family or friends, it is proper to feed your guests. We are not talking a course meal but you should not ask them to go "halfsies" on take out or the grocery bill if they run out to get things for your visit. Once in awhile its cool to order chinese food or pizza but not every single time you visit! I have this friend (who makes good money, mind you) who for years has always asked people to bring food and/or drink with them when you come over to visit and its drives me crazy! We are planning to see each other soon at her house and I know she's gonna ask for stuff. I'm thinking of coming clean and telling her how inappropriate this is when its constant. What are your thoughts?

Answer 1

Of course when you invite friends over you should be the one feeding them. I make all the food and not ask for money when I invite people over, its just the proper thing to do. If you don't want to provide food then you just shouldn't invite people over. Some people are rude.

Answer 2

There's nothing wrong with a guest bringing a dish ... I personally was raised it was rude to GO to someone's house empty-handed, whether it was food, a good bottle of wine, even flowers, etc. Perhaps your friend prefers organizing pot-luck? However, I do feel that even if it's a pot-luck, it is the responsibility of the host to provide everything else, and that includes most of the food, by far. And if the host runs out of something while guests are there, the guests should not be asked to chip in for it - especially if those guests were already thoughtful enough to bring a contribution.

One thing comes to mind, simply because I find myself in this boat often .... how often do other people invite your friend places? If your friend is ALWAYS the host for the get-togethers, perhaps they feel it is unfair to constantly be paying for EVERYTHING and never getting invited everywhere back. I know that if I didn't organized parties, they would never happen ... and yes, it gets expensive if you're paying for everything for 14, 15 people (or even more) all the time.

Answer 3

Technically I agree with you, and I would usually not expect my guests to provide food when they were at my house.

Nevertheless, I don't feel that your friend is breaking etiquette rules here because she is asking you before you come over. It would be different if she ordered a pizza and then asked you for money after the pizza got there. Since she is asking you beforehand, you already know the "terms" of the visit, so there's no surprise. If you don't like it you can always refuse the invitation.

By the way, this isn't all that different from hosting a potluck, and people do that all the time.

Answer 4

I don't think it's fair to assume anything involving a get-together at someone else's home. It's polite to ask if you need to bring something whether it be dessert or drinks. It's not good to assume that just because someone makes good money, they'll feed you when they invite you to their house. You don't know all the intricacies of their finances. In some families, this is pretty normal for everyone to contribute to the meal... maybe this is the way this host was raised. Unless the evening has been labeled a Dinner Party, I think it's safe to say you may need to contribute in some way.

If you want to avoid these situations, make a point to eat before you arrive and arrive after everyone has eaten.

Good luck!

Edit: Probably what is lacking in the question is what kind of invite are we talking about... people are posting links to proper etiquette for parties and things like that and I assumed that you meant social invitations to come hang out... not a housewarming party or a wedding, etc.

Answer 5

Not necessarily true in all cases. There isn't anything PROPER these days not in the working world I know. And it depends on the occasion, the type of friends we are talking about and one's budget. It would be nice to always flip the bill but I personally don't know who has the extra money to do that, maybe she doesn't really.
I would say unless it is a very special occasion like a dinner party, a birthday, family coming over, friends of the kids or you just want to entertain maybe with some new recipes or something like that I would suggest a BYOD. BRING YOUR OWN DISH party. When you invite them just say I'm having a little BYOD party (to watch Football or movies etc.) if you would like to come. Then I'm sure they will ask what that means, it would be self explanatory BRING YOUR OWN DISH. I have had a Bring Your Own Steak party before, I'd fix other stuff but everybody brought there own special cut of steak and cooked it or hubby cooked it. It's just the actual getting together part that means something.
In your case being the invitee, you should want to bring something whether you were asked or not. I hate going somewhere empty handed, it just courtesy to contribute out of friendship or just showing off a new recipe. Everyone in my family is like that. Unless they give explicit instructions not to bring something, then I still feel odd but I respect there wishes.
Do you host parties a lot, if you don't then why. And if you do aprox. how much does it cost and who much itme does it take you to shop, cook, clean & get ready? Think about your friend, maybe this will help your appreciate just having friends that actually want to invite you.

Answer 6

You are, of course, correct. As the host/hostess, you should provide for your guests, unless you state it's a potluck event.

However, it would also be rude to point out her gaffe to her. Instead, you could politely decline her invitations if it comes with strings attached. "I'm sorry. I'd love to attend, but I just don't have the extra money this week to bring pizza for 15 people. You know how it can get tight around payday."

If she's any sort of hostess, she'll make amends and tell you your company is more important/

Answer 7

I, for one, almost never ask for anyone to bring food/beverage when I entertain, however, when I am asked to go to friends for dinner, I am truly thankful that I have friends, and think nothing of buying a beverage or a nice appetizer that would accent the dinner. I don't ask what they want, because they won't say, but they are always appreciative of my generosity when I show up with whatever I bring. At the same time, I always am returned the favor when I entertain, and I never ever have to ask for them to bring something unless it's something minor that can be picked up quickly on the way over. Besides, I know they're bringing the wine...

Answer 8

You are right, it is proper etiquete for the host to supply the food on their dime. If she is a really good friend, you could approach her by saying "I was thinking the other day about proper etiquite when it comes to inviting people over to my house. I have asked people on several occasions to bring things with them when they come over and I have read that this is actually inappropriate. You should never ask anyone to bring something. If they ask if they can, then it is ok to suggests something. What do you think about this?"

"As for asking for guests to bring food and beverages… Yikes? This is what young people do when they first leave the house and have their first parties. They do it because they don’t know any better. The simple rule is: you invite, you pay. We never expect our guests to supply the party. You are a good friend for helping her understand what is proper and what will be viewed negatively. " As Quoted In ETIQUETTE BY REBECCA

Answer 9

Well as you said you were brought up differently. Maybe the same goes for her. Don't say anything just do the same thing to her next time you invite her over. See how she reacts to that. If she's ok with it then you'll know that she really thinks that's how it should be. Some people are just frugal that way. Is she this way with everyone or just you? I too would never expect anyone in my home to pay for food especially if I invited them.

Answer 10

I am wondering how often this friend hosts get togethers. If her house is the frequent or only gathering spot, then I would say it's fair for the guests to bring some food along with them, since she is supplying the house and facilities.