Where is the fine line between stay-at-home parent and maid drawn?

Question

I am a full time student right now, and I also have a 6 year old and a 10 month old. This arrangement works out nice for us, because I can finish my degree while being home with my baby, and by the time my husband gets out the military, I'll be set with my education and I can get the job and money that I want.

My problem is that my husband seems to think he doesn't live in this home too. I do 99% of the laundry, ALL the household cleaning, clean all the bathrooms, do 99% of all the cooking, food shopping, miscellaneous errands, pay the bills, take out the trash about 85% of the time, and I am the only one who seems to remember minor details like when to change the water filter and when to fix more bottles for the baby.

To be fair, he does do the following: vaccum, mow the grass twice a month on weekends, tend to the kids ok, and get the mail. That's all though unless I jump into his posterior. He only works about 6 hours a day at a laid back office. Am I the jolly maid or what?

Answer 1

girl its time for you to have a hissy fit.... i know when i have one every now and then my man moves faster than i do when i am cleaning even my 16 year old and 7 year old get the moving i look around and bam they are all cleaning like little robots i get mad and hold it in and then all of a sudden boom my bomb explodes not to the point to hurt anyone but to the hollering and pitching a fit about being every ones maid and how i get tired while my man goes to his job and fire meetings and lodge meetings and my oldest son is keeping the roads hot and wants to holler at me for his specific clothes he asked to be washed cleaned after me washing all day long with no laundry to do he will come home with one outfit and want me to wash it but then my seven year old likes to eat snacks and candy and throws the paper in the floor and says mama will get it when i finally get enough i blow and they dont say a word they just get up and when i start crying no one speaks they just clean clean clean it lasts for a couple of days but then it will slowly get to its old way again until i blow again which is working fast.... good luck

Answer 2

Your not the jolly maid, your a wife/mother and what you just listed is the basic job description. I am not an anti-feminist, but I will say that over the years I've noticed that because of the feminists movement more and more men are getting somewhat displaced. Years ago our roles were so defined, the men worked and the women took care of the household and the children and somewhere along the line those jobs weren't good enough. Now women have so many options, which is a wonderful thing, but the households and the kids didn't go away, they are still there and very needy. I only work part-time from home just to supplement our income after 12 years of being a stay-at-home mom and it's tough trying to get it all done. It would be nice if our husbands could make enough money for all of us to stay home and raise our own children if that was what we wanted to do. The options given to us are wonderful but the workload is more than enough for one person. Also, on the side of all the men out there, they really are just unaware most of the time. It's not that they don't care, they just don't notice. My husband wouldn't even know where to find our vacuum.

Answer 3

It doesn't sound fair. My situation is very similar, but I have chosen this situation in order to stay home with my daughters. I don't mind that my husband doesn't do any laundry (he doesn't understand sorting colors), but I wish he would put his dirty clothes in the hamper instead of leaving them on the living room floor. I don't mind doing 97% of the cooking (I prefer my cooking to his), but I would like some help picking up after the kids once in awhile. Also, by this time next year, I hope to become a full time student using online classes. He works 10 hour days, does all the yard work, and works on the house in his free time.

I guess you could look at your situation as being the maid, or talk to your husband and possibly giving you a little more help. He's going to have to start doing more when you go back to work anyway, so it wouldn't hurt him to start helping now.

Answer 4

i had the same problem with my husband (only without kids) the best thing to do is sit down with him and tell him you feel he may not even be aware that there is a problem, DONT complain at him that isnt the same thing, tell him that you feel overwhelmed and would appreciate it if he could help more around the house and decide what tasks he will take over and which ones you will keep doing, also it helps to switch once in awhile to break the tedium of houswork, ex: sometimes i'm responsible for the dishes, sometimes he is, also if any of your bills can be put on auto pay then do it you would be surprised at the relief you can get, just make sure you check every month for errors, also a 6 yr old child is old enough to put dishes on the counter when their done, put their clothes in the laundry basket and pick up their toys, it'll take pressure of you and teach them responsibility, if you dont have them doing stuff like that already

Answer 5

i know how u feel darling i'm 22 married with a 4wks old girl. it seems like my work never ends & if i dont do it it wont get done and i feel frustrated when the place is a mess & the bills r late & the cupboard is running on empty! but gues what i dont mind i like to be in control. u r different so talk to ur husband let him know how u feel like how u told us here & show him how much it would mean to u if he helped out more seeing as how u have to study be there for the kids clean the house and service him at nights :) ! u'll be fine when u guys talk it through.

Answer 6

I agree that he can help more. I hope he at least cleans up after himself! I do most of the work around the house too but I refuse to be a maid. My husband puts his own clothes away and cleans up after himself..so do my kids. My family is expected to take dishes they use to the sink as well.

Answer 7

If you feel like you're doing too much, what I would do if I were in your situation is this;

For about 2 weeks, keep a daily diary of everything you do. Sort out which things you are more comfortable with doing, such as if you're more comfortable preparing bottles over your husband preparing bottles, then keep those tasks for yourself.

Sit down with your husband and go over with him the other list, of things you would like his assistance doing. Mention that you would like him to do these things without having to be prompted or nagged for the sake of both of your sanity.

I know I would prefer cooking dinner over my fiance cooking dinner. I kick him out of the kitchen. But he does do dishes, since I cooked. It's a fair trade off. Just an example.

It's not a pipe dream. It's a matter of sitting down and explaining your expectations and why you want him to do these things.

Gee, some women upset that I have the balls to talk to my fiance and lay out my expectations, and actually have him comply? Not my malfunction you're living with or married to garbage. It's called having a spine. Grow one.

Answer 8

This is married life honey. Get used to it. Its not a 50/50 split. Men think clearer at work, women think clearer on home issues.

Exepcting any man at any age to remember things like changing the water filter, or even REALIZING the floor needs vacuumed is a pipe dream.

Be lucky he does anything around the house. Its really not a bad set up you have.

Generally the title of stay at home mom incompasses all house hold duties, as well as preparing food, raising children, and in most cases running errands and paying bills. He works and brings home the dough to afford your lifestyle, you stay home and cultivate it.

Answer 9

Well, honey, thats married life. I am comfortable with all the cleaning and laundry because he goes out and makes all the money. Thats how it was years ago and that's how it should be today. They don't call it "woman's work" for nothing.

Answer 10

you let him get away with it its your fault . now put it all back the way u both want it . sit him down and write a list of all the thing u do and all the things he does. then ask( tell) him to take some of them off your hands it worked for me