I lost my father....but more so I lost my friend and the most valued guidance and wisdom?

Question

I recently lost my father. I spent 3 straight weeks by his side in the hospital, leaving only to shower, eat, and use the restroom. OUt of my 5 brothers and sisters I was the only one in the room when he finaly passed on. I am lost and confused. I have a pain that I cannot explain...it is deep and fills my entire heart and soul. I have ried to grieve, but cannot find release. I fear it is because I have to keep it bottled up and be strong fro my mother through all of this. They were married 42 years. I guess I don't really have a question...I just wanted to let someone out there know what I am going through, since I can't seem to talk to anyone else about it. Well I guess that is all. Thanks for listening.

Answer 1

Don't be hard on yourself. This takes a long time. You will get through this,I know that my words can't change what's happened...but when I read your story it touched my heart,I can see that you are still struggling, I pray for you to be uplifted and your joy restored.Grieving is such a hard process, sometimes it must feel like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Be kind to yourself, take little steps and give yourself permission to feel bad without doubting whether you have the right to feel that way.Everyone reacts to loss differently and while we may share some feelings and thoughts, there is no right or wrong way to experience this. Grieving is a process, one with no set time frame for "progress" or "success". think of it as a journey that is long and difficult, with bumpy spots and smooth ones, hills and valleys. Sometimes we need to travel alone, other times we need friends and family to help us through. But I don't think the journey ends. Rather there may be points where we stop to rest, to recoup and gather our thoughts, but I don't think we ever come to a complete stop.Sometimes we want to confront God and demand an explanation, an apology, ask Him why He took someone who meant so very much to our heart's.I lost my step father when I was a young child,I still cry years later because I hurt so bad from missing him.I have heard people say that time heals all wound's,I beg to differ....I know this is harder on you and your family then it is on any of us, and for that I am so very sorry.Your Dad was a lucky man to have you standing beside him till the end...Pat yourself on the back for caring so much about him...my personal belief that the dead have down time. Call it 'the big sleep', call it 'asleep in Jesus', call it what you will. But I believe that upon death, the spirit removes to some other place. Perhaps it spends time recovering from the world's grievances, perhaps it is not at all aware of the former life, death, loved ones, etc., perhaps it isn't aware of anything. But I believe that when Jesus returns to our world, and yes, I do believe He will, the dead in Christ will rise first to be with Him, then the living in Christ shall be with Him. It's my opinion that at that point in time,You will finally see your father again.don't give up in yourself or in God.Go ahead and cry. It's okay Don't fight your feelings. Guilt can be a normal part of grief.Each day may seem like a burden,sometimes it will be hard to face.I offer you my sincerest condolences on the loss of your father.although there are no words to ease your grief at this difficult time I do hope that my words will offer you some kind of comfort.Understanding the nature of grief can help us better cope with loss. Grief is a natural, healthy process that enables us to recover from terrible emotional wounds.If you need someone to talk to you can email me...Im up to listen and offer any advice that I can...Good Luck..

Answer 2

You are doing a very healthy thing just by talking about it. It doesn't matter who you talk to; strangers, loved ones, friends. It just matters that you talk about it. I have had a lot of loss in my life. My family consists of myself and my mother. We have lost everyone else. The more people I talk to, the more weight that is lifted.
Don't worry so much about not being able to grieve. Everyone has their own way of dealing with such a great loss, and no one can tell you how to do it. If you don't cry right now, don't let people tell you that you don't care -- because it is obvious that you do. You have to process these emotions in your way, not theirs.
Don't try and put a time-limit on grief. My father died 34 years ago, and it was only 5 years ago that my mother finally got angry. (They say grief comes in stages: denial, sadness, anger, acceptance.) So, it will come in time.
I understand about having to be strong for others, and when your emotional being is ready to finally let go, it will. In the meantime, just keep talking.

Answer 3

I so feel for you. My sympathies are with you. I lost my mother when I was barely 18, that was a shock. I lost my father the next year. It's HARD! He was the most intelligent, empathetic, funny person. I looked up to him so much. He taught me to challenge myself, read any book I wanted. Just...everything.

It took me quite a few years to get over it, I felt so abandoned. He was a wonderful man. He taught me history and how to understand politics. If I needed to know a word, he'd say to look it up in the dictionary, which taught me how to learn on my own.

Anyway, I had a counselor at college who was wonderful to talk to. Don't keep it all in. Vent if you need to. I'd go in my room and pound on the bed asking God why he took such a good man away and cry.

Now, 14 years later, I open a bottle of wine on the anniversary of his death, and raise a toast to him and his photo.

I hated this when it all happened, but time really will heal.
*hugs*

Answer 4

Honey, I know what you are feeling. I lost my husband 4 yrs ago. It was an unexpected death. A doctor had misdiagnosed him and 4 days later he died a horrible painful death in my arms at home. I didn't know how to grieve. I was afraid if I let my feelings show I would totally lose it.

I went through grief counseling for a year and a half. It wasn't until this past summer the anniversary of his death that I was finally able to let him go. I planned a memorial for him and released balloons with a message tied to them. It wasn't because I wanted to forget him it was because I wanted to forget the anger and hurt. I was angry because we were only married 9 months and 6 days when he died. I was angry because the doctor screwed up. I was angry that he left me and didn't take me with him. I had to release that anger and that was the only way I knew how.

When I was going through grief counseling, I had to literally write a letter to my husband and read it outloud to an empty chair as though I was reading it to my husband.

Honey it is ok to let go and release. Your father is always going to be with you. You can grieve and still be strong for your mom. It isn't healthy to keep it bottled up inside. If you have to sit down and write a letter to your dad or just go someplace and scream just let it out. You need to have that release.

I am very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

Answer 5

Sorry about your loss. I'm sure its really hard on you and your family. I really don't have any advise to give to you. I've still got both my parents. I do know that there is a reason for everything and people that pass are in a better place now. How do I know that? Anything has got to be better than what were dealing with on this earth. So keep your head up, remember the good times you spent together and may he rest in peace.

Answer 6

First I want to tell you how sorry I am about the passing of your Father who was also your friend. What a wonderful relationship you had.

Just moments ago I was looking on my bookshelf for something when my eye caught a glimpse of my father's old Bible. I remember him sitting in his recliner and reading it. Oh, what memories. Brought tears to my eyes. I opened the front page and found that along with his name in the death section was my mother's and I saw that I needed to add my brother who passed on September 2, 2004.

However, as I continue to read this book, which is God's love letter to me, I see that this is not the end. I will see my mother, father, and brother again because they belong to Jesus and I do too. What a great comfort this is. I pray for this same comfort for you too. God bless you and your family in this very difficult time..

Answer 7

My dear Jack.............condolences. I know how you feel. I lost my Dad 10 years ago and I had spent the previous 20 years having panic attacks about his going.
The thing I found comforting was knowing that he is no longer suffering, and it sounds like your Dad might have been. The world went very quiet and that winter seemed like the darkest and longest I have ever known.
But time does heal. Within in a year you will be remembering the funny things and having an affectionate chuckle. I found my 4 sisters comforting as well........not for anything they said or did..........but just being around them. My Mum went a bit strange at first, but she got through it.
My heart goes out to you. XXX

You are welcome to e-mail me also.

Answer 8

Grief is a strange thing. I lost my adored mother THIRTEEN long years ago and I still cry for her every now and then. So don't expect yourself to just snap out of it. You probably never will.

There is a very short book by C.S. Lewis called "A Grief Observed". The book chronicles his thoughts on how he coped with the death of his wife. He refers to his departed wife as "H" throughout the book. He doesn't offer any advice but reading his thoughts is very comforting. It makes you know that you are not alone with these strange feelings. This book really helped me adjust to the loss of my mother.

My parents were married 37 years and my dad really suffered when he lost his wife. I gave him a copy of that book and he told me later that he read it three times, sobbed a lot, and it really helped him too. Try to get that book ASAP and after you read it give it to your mom. You guys both need it.

Answer 9

I also lost my father two years ago. Brain cancer turned him from a strong, confident man into a confused, tortured soul in a matter of months. He was gone 8 months after his diagnosis. I was totally in shock that such a strong man could go so fast. It reminded me of my mortality. My sadness at his loss made me realize I need to be around for my children as long as possible. Showering extra servings of love on my wife and my daughters helped me grieve.

I am in my 40's and I now have no parents left. (I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer 10 years ago.) I cried on my wife's shoulder and and thanked her for being there for me. I felt much better afterwards. (I also learned that grown, married men to cry sometimes, too.)

I understand how you feel. Be glad that you are the only child that was there for him. Be glad that the last face he was was yours.

Give your wife your honest, unbridled feelings. Cry on her shoulder. It's okay. Opening up to her will strengthen your bond to her.

Hang in there!!

Answer 10

I wish I could help take away some of that pain you are carrying . Take each day just one at a time......and find time to greive, it's healthy to sit and cry and let out those feelings of being lost and left behind. Being strong for your mother is admirable, but remember to take time for you.
God bless and cherrish you!