how to feel angry without hating?

Question

i am constantly angry and upset by my parents,we have a closed communication household.They say that i am being argumentitvie when i speak my mind.I am the opposite of them and i feel restrained and irritable when i hold things inside.They would rather die then make any initiative to talk to me if there were any issues and instead they torture me with passive aggression and resentfull silence,looks of dismay and dispisal.the resentment is soo thick in my household i could cut it with a knife. i can't speak to them without exploding and they fear to approach me.i hate them but they do alot for me.what they lack in emotional suport and presence ,they make up for it with material and financial support.I am greatfull for that but it dosen't come without a price. i know that they love me, but i feel as if they are ashamed of me and that they are utterly resentfull of me and hate me.is this the case or am i merely projecting my hatred onto them?it's a never ending cycle with them,i hate them

my father is (and i am assuming always been) the classic silent type,with an explosive anger.my mom is really sensitvive and giving,but nasty and cold when felt like she has been done wrong-the slightest thing can trigger this and i am forever punished by her passive aggression and mind numbing silent treatment.they don't talk to me,they slam doors and rustle about the house irritatingly.this poisons all of my relationships in life..this is the root of all the dysfunction..

Answer 1

They love you but dont know how to show it. I suffer with the same issues with my 16 year old. Up until she was 13, she was my angel. THEN the hormones came & I didnt know how to reach her. So buying her things "seemed" like the only things that got her attention that made her happy. It is hard being a parent in these days & times.

I will remember you in prayer. Hang in there!

Answer 2

First: you sound very well versed in psychology, especially if you are young. It takes most people YEARS to achieve the level of understanding you show, and sometimes they never "get it"! I'm impressed! As the parent of a teen (I'm not sure of your age), I'd say that your first step has already been taken: realizing that your parents are flawed and are probably acting out their own neuroses and frustrations, often at your expense, though they don't mean to...probably. The passive-aggressive thing has become far too common a replacement these days for outright aggression (hitting and spanking kids).

Not that I think kids should EVER be hit, but many of the parents of my generation (the "boomers") somehow feel that, if they don't hit their kids, they can use all kids of psychological warfare on them (such as the passive-aggressive bit...which I HATE, 'cause I was raised by nuns! lol I'd rather have a good fist-fight any day! Sad, huh?).

Many parents don't realize that cutting words, criticism and yes, even disappointed silence, can be as damaging as blows from a fist. Still...consider yourself "lucky"; my parents' generation used BOTH! What a screwed-up species we are!

As to not "hating" your parents...it looks like you are, again, "ahead of the pack". You realize they have "issues" and you're trying to factor those into your view of them, along w/your (justified) anger at their behavior.

It's a good method, but not at all easy! I've been trying to do that w/my own mother for...well, let's just say DECADES...and with marginal success!

If you're not of an age where you can just leave, then try acting more adult than your parents (sounds like it won't be hard!)...exit the room, with a statement like, "I'm sorry if I disappoint you, but you're really hurting me right now. I just can't talk about it!".

If they're anything like me, they'll be begging forgiveness after 5 minutes! Har! yep...it's a "cheap trick" but it works...if they love you...which it seems they do.

The other thing you might try is just asking them to sit down and listen to you air your grievances and feelings in a non-yelling, non-judgmental way.

Most parents expect their kids (even over teenage) to rant and yell and throw fits. If you keep your cool...they'll look (and feel!) like idiots if they lose theirs...so you could score points for maturity AND possibly gain some ground in the eternal battle between parents and kids!

As Jason Robards says in the wonderful film, "Parenthood": "It never ends, whether you're 18 or 40 or 65. You never get to cross the line and do your touchdown dance. I [parenthood..and kid-hood, btw] never ends! It's like your Aunt Edna's A**; it goes on forever and it's just as frightening!".

If, in the end, they keep treating you like this, YOU could be the mature one and suggest family counseling! Here's a secret: most educated people of my generation are ashamed to admit it if they don't want to go to a counselor...they're afraid of looking like guilty, dumbass hicks!

Good luck to you. You've got a good head on your shoulders and I, as an adult and parent, am impressed!

Answer 3

Many of us have grown up in households similar to yours, and I feel for you.

One thing I would suggest is get support from outside your home. If you are in school, seek out the counselor at school and explain what is happening. They can help you to unload the anger building up by talking with you about it. It would be helpful if that counselor had a conference with them, considering this is an unhealthy environment for anyone to grow up in.

They need to learn better communication and parenting skills and I suggest you write them a note explaining that you want to have family counseling to work out your differences. I say write a note so that you won't become explosive and they won't tune you out. Understand that this is the beginning to a better relationship and peace within your home. It takes work from both sides too, be sure you do your part and put your whole effort into it. Your parents probably had lousy role models as parents and unfortunately have adopted those modes of communication and parenting to use on you. Have a little mercy on them, they're skills are limited for a reason, it is what they learned.

Start by not saying you "hate" them. Hate is a very strong word that is damaging to you, it will eat you up inside.

Answer 4

Hey mate, now that I am an old man in my thirties I can say "I remember when..." I was a teenager and my father was a total **** to me. He is a really cool guy, but his behaviour was piss poor then, and he wasn't himself when he interacted with me. Looking back, I was a **** too. The disapointing thing is that he was the adult. He did his best and it wasn't fantastic. If I knew then what I know now, I could have taken control and improved life for both of us. No one enjoys conflict with loved ones. It is a waste of precious time.

I'm sure there are all sorts of crap going on for you, but if your situation is similar to how mine was, it comes down to a few things: mutual respect, trust and honest non judgemental communication. Easy in theory, very difficult in practice.

You know sh*t they don't. They know sh*t you don't. When they don't trust you with something it hurts. When you don't trust them it hurts them. You need to lie to them sometimes because they don't understand. This alienates you from them because they are probably not stupid. Deep down you won't feel good about this yourself because you are not being impeccable with your word, which is what makes us strong and confident. They need to earn your trust by being open minded and trusting you. The same goes for you! They are just people most probably doing their best for you. Their best might not be very good, but it is their best. Very few people wouldn't give up everything for their kids. They are probably no different to most.

Just because they are your parents doesn't mean you can't take some control of the situation and improve it. Tell them how it is. Explain to them that you are not perfect. No matter how much you are tempted to point the finger at them (and it will be really tempting), be the mature one and let them know trust goes two ways. They have years on you and years brings wisdom. Years also fog the brain and make people forget what it was like to be a teenager (I'm making an assumption you are in your teens - you may be 41 for all I know :)

So filter out the good help from the bad. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Let them win their little battles sometimes.

Enough waffle, here is the skinny: If you can't communicate without exploding you have a communication problem. You feel out of control and hence you are intolerent of their opinions cause is pisses you off. You want your own life, but you ain't ready just yet. You are a plane wanting to take off but you still need to taxi out to the runway first.

Read this book: The Four Agreements. If you don't lose control and manage to calm them down and communicate effectively, everyone is a winner. Your question is articulate, so you can do it. The hormones are to blame so don't take it all so seriously. Do these things and you will be happier. I have spoken. Now I am off to bed! J:)

Answer 5

You end your tyrade with "I hate them".. which obviously is not the case... you hate who they are, or how they act... you don't hate them, just as they may have a problem with who they percieve you to be.
Tolerance is not an easy thing... but if you all agree to try to be more tolerant, you are at least recognizing the issue, and it may help to ease the situation.
Talk to them about being tolerant of each other... it has to go both ways or it's a waste of time... if they can at least agree to try... you have made a HUGE step!
Good luck.

Answer 6

WOW.... Hate is such a STRONG word... However, Love and Hate are closely connected. If you felt NOTHING (indifferent) towards them, NO emotion at all... then that is NO love. But you must care about them to some extent, you just dont like the way the treat you. So I wouldnt use the word hate... Id say you disagree. Also, They might be silent because they are scared of starting an unwanted fight with you. Try calmly talking out your issues with them. REMAIN CALM... Dont let it boil over and dont let it consume you. If I had a child that couldnt control himself, Id treat him like a child. MEANING... NO ADULT privelages... NO afterschool privelages.... NOTHING! So to your OWN dismay, YOUR OWN ACTIONS are causing THEIR ACTIONS. Remember ONE thing... YOU can only control YOUR actions, So if you act like you are out of control then they are going to treat you as such. The only way to redeem yourself is to act like an adult.

Answer 7

Grow up.