My 9 yr old daughter has been giving me problems lately with lying about schoolwork, etc. I have caught her in these lies and punished her twice before. Yesterday, she did it AGAIN! What am I doing wrong? I tell her that I am disappointed in her and now everything she tells me I am going to question because all she can do is lie to me. I have taken away priveleges and made her go to bed earlier. Nothing seems to be sinking in....any advice would be much appreicated....
2006-10-11 02:51:37 · 17 answers · asked by WonderTwit 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Grade-Schooler
I will be watching this one. Lol... HERE'S WHAT I THINK! It's the age. I have a friend with a 9 yr old daughter, and my son who will be 9 in January are having the same issue.
Consistency is the key. Keep punishing.
I always tell my son that he can tell me anything. The main thing is that kids don't want to disappoint their parents. I have asked how he would feel if I were to lie to him. I have also explained that when someone lies, people tend to not trust them anymore. They will think about that...ALOT. He is learning that although he is still punished for doing wrong, the punishment is much worse for a lie. He's been pretty good lately. (Keeping my fingers crossed...)
2006-10-11 03:13:56 · answer #1 · answered by Tracy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should try taking away the thing she's really attached to. My daughter is 9 too and I found something that has worked really well so far. The first thing I did was I set down rules, in our case it was staying in bed at night and not calling out (which she was doing for x amount of reasons until 11pm every night, followed by serious grumpiness the next day! Ugh!) So the rules were repeated to her every night at bedtime and if she broke the rules her punishment was not being allowed to go to 2 trampolining classes, she loves and adores trampolining so when she was forbidden the first time and 2 classes is a lot to miss, she quickly twigged that
a/ there really were Rules and
b/ I would apply the rules no matter how sorry she was (or how sorry was seeing her sad, little face!)
If your daughter lies about schoolwork for example you could make a table with the days of the week and every time she lies about homework you mark a cross on the table. Maybe give a couple of chances before getting to the nitty gritty and them slam her by withdrawing what she really cares about the most. For a certain amount of time - not too long either, three days or something.
I'm not down for telling her she disappoints you, it's a bit mind-game, a bit "you have to work hard/be good to earn my love". Letting someone down brings on guilt which has to be the most self-destructive feeling going. Maybe tell her that it's her behaviour that disappoints you, not her.
2006-10-11 05:32:53 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you ever sat her down and told her just how disappointed you are in her? At nine years old this is such a crucial stage in personality development. I wouldnt go as far as saying she is a sociopath, kids like this go through stages. I know I did when I was her age and it was the disappointment in my parents eyes that made me realize I was doing wrong.
Maybe your punishments are too lienant? What does she hold close to her? Are you consistant with the punishments? Does she understand that when she lies she will recieve an even worse punishment?
Maybe there is a problem at school with teachers or friends that is making her not do her school work or lie about it? Has anything changed since last school year? For every action there is a reaction and maybe lying is your daughters way of reacting to a situation. You should check that out.
If the lies are just about schoolwork maybe work something out with her teacher where she has to bring home a chart of what she is supposed to be doing for homework that night and whether or not she turned certain things in.
Email me and maybe I can help more.
2006-10-11 03:06:43 · answer #3 · answered by corrinegurl 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Everyone could disagree with me here, but first of all it could be the age, but I think some kids are just more prone to lying than others are. I know my 7 year old is a liar and I hate it because I have 3 other boys and I never know if he is telling me the truth or not when he tells me things that the other boys supposedly did. Anyway to make a long story longer, we have punished him several times but here is what finally worked.
On the weekend my husband told my son that we were going to go to the mall on Saturday and he could get a playstation 2 and pick out one game to go with it. His choice. He was like, really? and we said, yes. Well when the time came he got on his coat and sneakers and was so excited and then we told him. We lied. He was very upset, who wouldn't be, but it was at that point that (even at age 7 ) he realized how a lie can make you feel.
He has yet to tell a lie, that I know of, and if we doubt him on something initially, he reminds us about how he will never lie about anything because of the playstation thing we did. I felt really bad, but it did work. We also explained how maybe next time we tell him we're going to do something he might not believe us because we lied one time and that that was how his lies made us feel. Good luck because it can be so frustrating.
2006-10-11 07:33:36 · answer #4 · answered by JennieLouie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try not to give the opportunity to lie. If you know she has homework, don't ask her, "Do you have homework?" Instead say, "I need you to sit down at the table after your snack and let's go over what you did in school today."
Also, tell your child that she is a (insert your last name here,) and that (insert your last name here.)'s don't lie. Example, "Susie, your a Smith and Smith's don't lie."
Tell her that when she does there are going to be consequences if she does make the decision to tell a lie. Tell her what the consequence will be. This will take some thinking on your part, what does she really like to do? use the phone, have friends over, play video games? Decide what you will take away, and for how long for each lie. And here is the magic part, when she is on restriction, make it your number one priority to spend some extra time with her. Maybe a date with her, or story before bed. Don't tell her that you are doing anything special, just act like you want to spend more time with her. I guarantee you will see improvement. parenting is an investment of time. The more you are able to invest, the better your dividends.
2006-10-11 06:27:39 · answer #5 · answered by momoffourwifetoone 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Chances are that she is having trouble at school with the subject matter. Speak to the teacher about the girl's performance. If this is the problem, get a tutor if you cannot give the academic help.
Punishment of going to bed early or saying you are disappointed does not work on a 9 year old. When she is caught in a lie, tell her that is a wrong thing to do, and give her a long and hard bare-bottom spanking. After one of two of the spankings, your problem will be solved. Do not do it in anger but out of love and concern.
2006-10-11 04:13:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should have a heart to heart talk and ask her if she's having some kind of problem at school or at home or with her friends. Get to know her some more so she'll know she's still important to you and that you love her. Tell her that you're always ready to listen if she has something she needs to say. Of course you should also ask why she lies. teach her the golden rule (which she shouldn't abuse or use against other people).
You can't just punish her forever without knowing why she's lying. punishing her wouldn't make her lying stop if you don't get to the root of the problem. Show her more love and concern but don't spoil her. give her consequences. give her cause and effect. Teach her to be more responsible with her decisions (on lying and/or others) because it's not only for her own good but for people she loves and cares for too.
If after doing the suggestions above, she still doesn't behave, maybe you should ask more professional help.
Good luck!
2006-10-11 03:07:09 · answer #7 · answered by Iya 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think that you should sit her down and tell her why lying is wrong. I think it is a bit extreme to call her sociopath. My younger sister went through a phase like this. My daughter went through a phase where she had started stealing, so I waited until her birthday, when she received money as a gift and then I took it all out her drawer (It was about $120.00), and I held onto it for a week. Before I returned it to her, I sat her down and asked her how it felt to have her belongings stolen. She said that it hurt her tremendously especially because she had plans on going shopping, after I listened to her I explained to her that when she steals that is how others feel. Needless to say, I have never had that problem from her again.
2006-10-11 03:58:56 · answer #8 · answered by juicie813 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The first reason a child may lie is in order to avoid a perceived punishment, a second reason is if they always fear it then becomes a habit and a reflex, a third reason is that they lie by example (if others do it and get away with it maybe I can too), and a fourth reason is in order to get what they want. To punish may only reinforce this fear and lead to more lying. Type in "a child's compulsive lying" in web search and you will find a number of resources at your fingertips, especially webhome.idirect. Good luck.
2006-10-11 03:13:00 · answer #9 · answered by mzmscheeveeuhs 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to smack her legs.
Failing that, Tell her something wonderful. Like you're taking her to a fun fair at weekend. She'll get all excited. But when weekend comes along don't take her to the funfair. Just say "I was lying" She'll feel awful. Then you say to her, "remember how awful you feel now, coz that's how awful you make mummy feel every time you lie"
That might make her think twice before lying, But a smack on the legs will work best x
2006-10-11 08:31:42 · answer #10 · answered by tom 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋