Does anyone know any really good limericks?

Question

If so post them here so I can have a laugh. I would post my favourite one but it's rude and will probably get reported :(

All right I will TRY to post it here...hope it doesn't get reported. If it does, then some people obviously have NO sense of humour.......

There was a young rabbi called Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
It wasn't for leisure or s--ual pleasure
But to get to the cheese underneath.

Answer 1

That man from Nantucket? Completely over-rated

Answer 2

A Limerick gets laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Answer 3

I hate to repeat but,
There was this woman from Ealing,
Who one day had this strange feeling,
She lay on her back and opened her crack,
And pissed across the ceiling.

Tarzan went to see Jane,
He gave her a shilling, but she was'nt willing,
He gave her a slap, she opened her crack.
After nine months, out came Korak with a nine inch c*ck.

There was a man from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
In an hour his nose was a flower,
And his head was a riot of weeds.

There is one about Cleopatra and Ceaser (I forget) but the last line is He saw, he conquered, he came.

Answer 4

The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck Eating a Bag of Scallops
One fell down his Trouser leg and Burnt His Ankle!
(Missed His Bol****s By Miles)

Answer 5

There was a man from Boston, Mass
Whose balls were made of solid brass
And in bad weather they clanked together
And lightning shot out of his @ss.

And since nobody's done it yet:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose d*ck was so long he could suck it
And he said with a grin, wiping sperm from his chin
If my @ss was a p*ssy I'd f*ck it!

Answer 6

There was a young lady from Ryde,
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented inside the lamented,
And made cider inside 'er inside!

(Ryde is a town on the Isle of Man)

Answer 7

Linda Blair with great favour confessed,

She'd been exorcised, thus finding rest,

But alack and alas

Her old demon came back

and now the poor girl's repossessed.

(Contributed by Dick Lamb)


***

The was an old man of the isles

Who suffered severely from pisles

He couldn’t sit down

Without a deep frown

So he had to row standing for misles

(Contributed by Natalie Moffitt)

***

There once was a sculptor named Phideous

Whose sculptures by most were thought hideous

He carved Aphrodite

Without even a nightie

Which shocked all the fussy fastidious

(Contributed by Natalie Moffitt)

***

'Tis a favourite project of mine,

A new value of pi to assign.

I would fix it at 3,

For it's simpler, you see,

Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

***

There was a young girl from Rabat,

who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;

It was fun in the breeding,

But hell in the feeding,

When she found she had no tit for Tat.
--
(Contributed by Terry Walsh)

***

There Once was a Man called Reg

Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge

Along came his wife

With a big Carving Knife

And cut off his meat and two veg

(Contributed by Matt Barton)

***

Said the Vicar to old Bishop Price,

My wife's just had twins,, ain't that nice.

But the Bishop said, "Father,

in future I'd rather,

you abstained, or were not naughty twice."

***

An exceedingly fat friend of mine,

When asked at what hour he'd dine,

Replied, "At eleven,

At three, five, and seven,

And eight and a quarter past nine.

***

A limerick fan from Australia

regarded his work as a failure:

his verses were fine

until the fourth line

?

***

A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,

Really liked playing with fire.

One night in the dark

He swam with a shark,

And his voice is now two octaves higher.

***

A bather whose clothing was strewed,

By winds that left her quite nude,

Saw a man come along,

And unless we are wrong,

You expected this line to be lewd.
***


There was a young lass from Australia

Who painted her ass like a Dahlia

The shape it was fine

And the color devine

But the aroma--well, that was a faihlia

(Contributed by Maurie Houseman)

***

There was a young lady named Kite

Whose speed was much faster than light.

She left home one day

In a relative way

And returned on the previous night.

***

I once took our vicar to tea;

It was just as I thought it would be:

His rumblings abdominal

Were simply phenomenal,

And everyone thought it was me.
***

There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall

Because its feet stuck

Or was it just luck

Or does gravity miss things so small?
***

There once was a girl named Irene,

who lived on distilled kerosene.

But she started absorbin'

A new hydrocarbon,

And since then has never benzene!

***

A gourmet dining at Crewe

Found a rather large mouse in his stew.

Said the waiter, "Don't shout

And wave it about,

Or the rest will be wanting one, too."
***

There once was a slimmer named Steen

Who grew so phenominally lean

And flat, and compressed,

That his back touched his chest,

So that sideways he couldn't be seen.

***

A young schizophrenic named Struther,

Who learned of the death of his Brother,

Said, "I know that its bad,

But I don't feel too sad.

After all, I still have each other."

***

The incredible Wizard of Oz

Retired from his business becoz

due to up-to-date science,

To most of his clients,

He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

***

There was an old gent from Hyde

Who ate rotten apples and died.

The apples fermented

Inside the lamented

And made cider inside his inside.

***

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,

To his offspring both female and male,

"From your offspring, my dears,

In a couple of years,

May evolve a professor at Yale."

***

God's plan made a hopeful beginning,

But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;

We trust that the story

Will end in great glory,

But at present the other side's winning.

***

Said an envious, erudite ermine,

"There's one thing I cannot determine:

When a girl wears my coat,

She's a person of note.

When I wear it, I'm called only vermin."

***

There was a young lady named Rose

Who had a large wart on her nose.

When she had it removed

Her appearance improved,

But her glasses slipped down to her toes.

***

An elderly man called Keith

Mislaid his set of false teeth -

They'd been laid on a chair,

He'd forgot they were there,

Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

***

There's a wonderful family called Stein:

There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.

Gert's poems are bunk,

Ep's statues are junk,

And no one can understand Ein.

***

Archimedes, the well known truth-seeker,

Jumping out of his bath, cried "Eureka!"

He ran half a mile,

Wearing only a smile,

And became the very first streaker.

***

There was a young lady named Harris

Whom nothing could ever embarrass

'Til the salts that she shook

In the bath that she took

Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

***

There once was an old man of Esser,

Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all

And now he's a college professor.

***

The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It's not worth the reading
By persons of breeding -
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.
***

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean -
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
**

There was a young man of Japan

Whose limericks never would scan.

When they asked him, Why?

He said, with a sigh,

"It's because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."
***


A Christian Scientist from Theale

Said, "Though I know that pain isn't real,

When I sit on a pin

And it punctures my skin

I dislike what I fancy I feel".

***

A young man from Timbucktoo

Whose limericks stopped at line two.

***

There was a young lady named Harris

Whom nothing could ever embarrass

'Til the salts that she shook

In the bath that she took

Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.


***

There was a young fellow called Binn

Who was so excessively thin

That when he essayed

To drink lemonade

He slipped through the straw and fell in.

***


There was a young lady named Maud,

Who was the most terribly fraud.

She never was able

to eat at the table

but when in the larder, Oh gawd.
***


A critic refused, as reviewer,

To read the obscene and impure;

He soon left the scene

For the books that were clean,

just kept getting fewer and fewer.

Answer 8

1

Answer 9

there was a young man from gotham, who took out his bollox to wash em, his wife shouted jack,if you dont put them back,i will tred on the bastards and squash em

Answer 10

this one isnt rude but it is funny as...


Marry had a little lamb,
she tied it to a pylon.
ten thousand volts shot up its bum,
and turned its wool to nylon!