My mom just passed away and...?

Question

My father and mother were married for 54 years. We always thought that he was the stronger of the two and now that she is gone he appears to be almost helpless. He is a very humble, private man without many interests, so he doesn't have too much to occupy his time. He seems to be waiting to die now so that he can go to heaven and be with her. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did you help the surviving parent to cope with their loss? I would like to hear from all people if you will answer respectfully. No offense but if you aren't a Christian and you answer please don't use this as a forum to say why you don't believe. If you aren't a Christian you can still answer in a helpful and respectful way. Thanks to you all.

I am 48, my brother is 44. There are three grandchildren rangin in age from 24(my son) to 5 yeras old (my brother's youngest). We all live on the same 50 acres of land in the country and we see him everyday. The kids spend a lot of time with him and even the youngest knows that he is different. I appreciate all your answers they have been kind and concerned.

Answer 1

It is said that when one of a couple dies after being together that long, the other one usually dies within a year. That is statistics, but I think you should maybe get him involved in some activities he might enjoy. If you have children, let him spend more time with them if possible. If he has given up the will to live since she is gone then all you can really do is spend as much time with him as you can and make the most of the time you have. Also, you have my sincere condolence for the loss of your Mom. Do not forget to give yourself time to grieve. Good luck with your situation and I wish the best for your Dad.

Answer 2

It is very common for long married couples to be almost lost without the other who has past. Of course there is a time when everyone including yourself need to greive the departure of that person. This is a natural process and can take some time.
Your dad has live as a partner for many years and that partnership is in the routine of his life. There was that safty there that all was right and at least they had each other to go thru the good and bad times. He needs to know that he is still a part and partner to the rest of the family. That you all depend on him to be not only dad but now he will play mom's roll too. He needs to know that he has value in and of himself and that he is wanted. His pain will lessen as time moves on, soften by it's distance but it will never completely go away. Don't expect it to. Moving on is not forgetting, it is accepting and taking another step. Give him the reasons to continue. Give him the support that your mother did. She needed him as he was, you need to let him know that you need him the way he is. Let him know that you are aware that he has many more memories of your mom than you and that sharing those times will help you heal too. This is a time when families can show what they are made of. Include him in everything. Let him remain the leader of the clan. Show him he is loved and wanted and needed and a most important part of everyones lives. There is nothing worse in life that to not be needed by someone. Help him fill that active gap in his life, help him remember the good times, the funny one and show him love.

Answer 3

Kim Noblitt wrote:

Our prayers have all been answered. I finally arrived.
The healing that had been delayed has now been realized.
No one's in a hurry. There's no schedule to keep.
We're all enjoying Jesus, just sitting at His feet.

If you could see me now, I'm walking streets of gold.
If you could see me now, I'm standing strong and whole.
If you could see me now, you'd know I've seen His face.
If you could see me now, you'd know the pain is erased.
You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place,
If you could only see me now.

My friend, words can not express feelings we have when things like this happen. The Bible calls death the last enemy to be conquered.

1 Corinthians 15:54-56

54 So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.
55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
56 The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

However God did say: "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." Psalm 116:15

We know it is precious because HE is able to welcome them home. (I would like to point out to everyone that a saint is anyone that has placed their trust in the LORD for salvation.)

Still, all of this does not take away the pain of someone that has been together for 54 years. Often the best thing we can say is nothing....just being there, helping someone cry (or even giving permission to cry) will be the best thing we can do.

You dad needs time to grief. I do not intend on hurting you in anyway but when you said: "He seems to be waiting to die", you are right. Often when couples have been together for this long, they lose the will to live when their husband or wife departs. Unless you can get him interested in something, this could happen. If possible find something that you need his help with. If he is able, find some work he can do. Men often express their grief with their hands, doing something, building something but your dad needs to be needed now.

My friend, you dad is not the only one missing your mother. I am sure you are too. If you need someone to talk to, or even someone to help you cry...we are here.

Answer 4

I have seen this with other people, not in my family. We are Christians, and know we will see our loved ones again someday, and moved on.

Is there a senior group around? A lot of people like to go there. Most towns around here have one. They play cards, tell stories, and even go shopping together. It usually takes a year to mourn a death, so it may just take time. Get Him out of the house from time to time, visit him often. There must be something you can find for him to do... make him feel wanted and important.

Answer 5

there's no suffering and helplessness in life if we can accept it as it comes and if we can stop resisting its natural flow
as an old person he surely already knows this
but its a hard time for him
all you have to do is to remind him one more time about it
he just can not accept that change in his life
he will surprisingly feel peace and happiness as soon as he accepts anything life has brought
what makes us suffer in life is the ego(personality) which is merely a bunch of memories and habits..
we should realize and step out of it
we should look beyond our egos which are the shields we use in resisting life
just keep your mind free, accept life as it comes and there will be no suffering

" Pain is physical; suffering is mental. Beyond the mind there is no suffering. Pain is merely a signal that the body is in danger and requires attention. Similarly, suffering warns us that the structure of memories and habits, which we call the person (vyakti), is threatened by loss or change. Pain is essential for the survival of the body, but none compels you to suffer. Suffering is due entirely to clinging or resisting; it is a sign of our unwillingness to move on, to flow with life "

Sri Nisargadatta

Answer 6

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Actually, this is very common. Men seem to have a harder time going it alone, because the wife has generally been the caregiver. It's quite common for a widower to remarry very soon after losing their wife so that they can feel comforted by having a woman take care of them again. This happened to my grandfather. Give him some time to grieve, and if after a few months this is not getting any better or is getting worse, please get him some counselling.

Answer 7

I am sorry for your loss. May Allah fill your hearts with patience and peace and have mercy on your mother.
Though my father died and left my mum behind, I am not sure the situation can help a lot as they had spent about only 25 years married, not like the case of your parents + mum still has good intellectual abilities and works. It must be really tough on your father.
Does he have hobbies? friends who are facing the same loss? places he likes to go? maybe going to church? reading the Holy book? praying? or a mixture of all that?
I am sorry if I am not much help, Allah will help you, I am sure.

Answer 8

That's what happened after my grandfather passed away. Grandma hung on for a couple of years and passed on. She wasn't the same after his death. My father passed away 4yrs. ago today. My mom has not been the same. Her health has been good, however, her motivation is significantly reduced. I try to motivate her, make her think, get out of the house, but she just prefers to stay home alot more. I'll continue to try , but if she's content, there's not much more you can do. And keep in mind, that no matter what you do to motivate him, he may be content with whatever happens. It's not necessarily so bad, because if you and I really think about it, we may do the same when we get older and lose a spouse. It happens to be quite common. We can only love them when they're here.

Answer 9

I'm sorry to hear about your family. All I can say is be there for your dad. Let him know that he is not alone in his grief and help him remember the good times. As a Christian, let him know that God will take him when it is his time and he should not be rushing into it. He has so much more life to live here on Earth.

Answer 10

Sorry for the departure of your mom with the Lord, but rejoice this brief grief it's temporary. you and your father as well will rejoice when you meet each other again. About Daddy, enjoy him as much as you can, be with him and give lots of love. For men it's hard to loose our soul mate, you know 54 for years it's not a day. But the good news is that she is waiting for him next to Jesus at heaven's gate.